Albuquerque living

[Albuquerque]

Brief update,

As expected, our hormones have taken control and H and I have been busy little bees. This week has been a little crazy. But both H and I have openly questioned whether introducing sex into our R was the right thing. Neither one of us really had a good answer. The emotion, the passion, the desire was certainly there. But there is STILL an OW vaguely in the picture and H still has a lot of personal work he has to do (and he readily admits this). I was taking it one day at a time and trying to do what felt right and it didn't really feel THAT wrong. And yet there were parts that did. I realized that I was holding myself back at times with things I would say and do via text or email, because I felt it was a bit TOO intimate. Which sounds weird given the fact that we were having sex, but I think most of you can agree there is a deeper element involved and that is what seemed muddy.

I handle stress very well. 13 years of education AFTER high school has made me able to handle almost any stressful situation with a calm, cool, and collected head. HOWEVER, the stress is still there. As it happens, I often only realize I am stressed when I start to notice physical ailments. Well yesterday, I had a tension headache that would NOT stop no matter what treatment I used. By the evening, it got manageable and I made some dinner and H came over. We had a great evening and D enjoyed his visit. We have been somewhat hiding our evolving relationship from D because nothing has really been decided. Last night, I had trouble sleeping because of yet another tension headache. It was then that I realized that this whole situation has really been stressing me out a lot more than I cared to admit. I realized that I'm not being absolutely true to myself. I THOUGHT I wanted to pursue a physical R with H (and it was fun don't get me wrong). But that's NOT what I really want. I want him to WANT to be with me. I want him to CHOOSE to be with me. And he readily admits he's not there yet. And I have grown to the point where I'm not willing to settle. The stress that I was experiencing was my body telling me that I was NOT doing what I needed to be doing for my own mental well-being.

So this morning I talked to H via phone about what I was experiencing and my thoughts on backing off our physical R. He completely understood especially since it was already something we were both questioning the entire time. I told him I didn't think taking a TOTAL step back in our R was good either since that seemed just as weirdly wrong. His voluntarily spending time with D and I at various events and even just hanging out at the house has been very enjoyable.

So this continues to be a rocky road. I can't really say we're on the road to reconciliation because I don't think that can happen until he drops OW. I'm not sure how long that will take (IF it happens). I appreciate that he's been very open with me about his thoughts and is continuing to see an IC. His next appt is on Monday. I'll continue to be me, continue to better myself, and continue to make sure that any decisions are in MY best interest. That's the only way that this R can truly heal.