So..........my H is buying a house.

[handlingplanb]

My H is moving in to his new home today. He's leaving his rental and moving in to his home. When he moved out 7/08 I just KNEW when he moved out he would be returning to OUR home.

The kids are excited to spend their first weekend there.

It is WAY WAY WAY past time for me to get past the pain of what I've lost and live for myself.

I read the posts by missherlove, ericsmant and PeiMom.....AND many other very very very inspirational people who have found the peace that is on the other side of the pain.

I so want to find that peace.

I want to LIVE for myself.

When I first came here almost 3 years ago, I came to save my marriage. I thought if I did everything right it would happen. I tried so very very hard - at least I thought I did. I look back at all of the mistakes and I wonder, if I hadn't made them would I be here???

I know what THIS is really all about. I know that it is way more important to save myself - but the pain persists.

I am not divorced, because I won't file. I know my H is still waiting for me to do this. How long will he wait? I don't know.

Do I pull the switch to set myself free? Is that the only way I can really cut the ties and live for ME? Today, I can't.

Is that what I NEED to find the peace that I see so many others have found?

Why is it taking me so fu*$ing long to get this?

I live like my H isn't coming back. HE ISN'T COMING BACK. I know this.

I have been employed for over a year now - before a stay at home mom, but very much involved with my H's business. I lost that too.

It's not my dream job (but don't know what that would be) - but I am at the school my kids attend. The hours are ideal for a parent that only gets their kids part-time, and I'm close if needed.

I can successfully manage everything at my house that needs attention - if I can't I know who to call, and I do.

I do not need H in my life.

I still WANT him there. I still WANT him and our M. I WANT my family back together.

IT IS NOT going to happen.

HOW do I make it to the other side?

GAL? I really do try. I've taken up new hobbies that I don't have time for - the house, the kids activities still feeling like I MUST do for them first because they are the biggest losers in all of this - they take up almost all of my waking time.

I would welcome suggestions - and YES, I know there is no quick fix or magic pill.

I feel like a failure.

I've failed my marriage.

I've failed my kids by failing my marriage.

I know I need help. I don't know where to turn.

I have wonderful friends that are very much involved with their families and kids. I have no friends that are divorced. I fill like an alien - like I don't belong because I have been rejected by the man I've loved for 30 years.