I am bawling my eyes out right now. Your post hurts in a way that only the bitter truth can. I DO believe that my husband loves me, but I believe it is a selfish love, and perhaps an immature one.
There ARE things that my husband has brought to my attention. I tend to talk too fast and I get really excited about things and interrupt people. I am really working on that, because I WANT to be a good and polite listener. I would never have really noticed until he brought it up. Also, I am a clutter bug. I am the type that walks into the house and will drop my purse, coat, and keys, scattered around. And when I cook, I don't put things away or wash dishes as I go, I just COOK. It drives him CRAZY. So, I try my darndest, especially in our new home, to maintain a neat and orderly house. But at my heart and soul, I am still cluttery, and I am still a fast talker who sometimes isn't so polite and interrupts people. It doesn't mean that I don't love my husband, I just am who I am.
My point, I guess, is that he knew those things about me before he married me. Just as I knew that he wasn't into sex. I didn't go into this marriage as some people do, where the LD spouse manages to keep up the pretense. I guess I kind of feel that I cannot divorce someone for being who they are. I guess I hoped that counseling would help, but I married him KNOWING THAT HE HADN'T CHANGED BEFORE.
The part that cuts like a knife, though, is when you speak of the isolation that you feel. I only have one friend that I feel understands this and whom I trust enough to keep it in confidence. Most of my friends are still either single or just dating, and so don't have a marriage to compare it to. Also, this is so personal, and as you said, humiliating to admit to. And I COULD NEVER tell my mom, even though we are very close. Well, we aren't as close lately, because this is a MAJOR deal for me and it seems weird to keep something this big from her. I know that when you marry, you are supposed to distance from your family a bit, and have private issues within the marriage, but I never thought I would have to hide misery like this. My mother would be horrified if she knew what I put up with. As you know, when trying to avoid sex, the LD spouse can say/do very hurtful things. The other awful thing is that my mother never has liked my husband. From day one, she thought he was controlling and lacked passion. She felt that he knew I was a great catch and would hang on to me for that reason. I know it sounds really conceited, and I don't feel this way, but a lot of my friends and family seem to think that I married "beneath" me. I guess this COULD be a potential part of my husband's problems, because you could definitely say that I am the more ambitious, dynamic, and successful one. People will meet me and then meet my husband, and you can see the puzzlement. I think it was a case of opposites attract. My husband is my more steady side. I tend to be very emotional (have you noticed) and I often act on those emotions. He, on the other hand, tends to be very logical. I am cluttered and at times disorganized, while he is militaristic in how he organizes everything from his closet to our bills. Anyway, I married him for good reasons, despite the bad, and those reasons haven't changed. My point in this rambling paragraph is that I know I would get a huge fat "I told you so," from my mother. Not that that should keep me in an unhappy marriage, but I would also feel like one colossal failure for walking away now.
But the pain is nearly unbearable sometimes. Take tonight. It is our four year anniversary from when we started dating and our seven month wedding anniversary. My husband was so cute and bought me a card and an ornament for our tree (even though we weren't supposed to do gifts because of Christmas and our first mortgage payment). We then went to dinner and drove around to look at Christmas lights. It was a VERY positive evening, with no negativity, and definitely no sex talk.
We returned home and I expected to make love on such an occasion (and it's been awhile). My mom had called to talk to me about my grandmother who is in a rehabilitation center, recoving from a major stroke. We talked for twenty minutes and by the time I was off the phone at 9:30, he had already fallen asleep. I know from experience that if I wake him up, he will be incredibly angry and mean, so I just let him sleep. So, I got online to see if there was anything new on the board, and got your message.
Cathy, I just don't know what to do. I wish that there was something I could take or something he could/would do. I am so SAD right now. I want that wonderful during the day husband to stick around at night. I want a whole marriage, but I want it with HIM. I don't want the humiliation and financial ruin of a divorce. At 24, I have worked SO HARD to get where I am financially. Owning our home is a dream come true for me. And the bottom line is, that he IS MY HEART. He is my best friend. He is my life. I just don't know how I can justify walking away from that yet. Please don't call me a chicken or feel that I am weak. I just know that a divorce is a forever decision. I always can walk away, but it is much harder to come back.
Meanwhile, I do need to do some serious work on me and why I am so confident and able in other areas of my life, and yet, I let him treat me this way and end up so sad.
