I agree that the boundary part is critical. It's a question of timing. When someone is acting that way, they are not open to hearing it. Also, "disrespectful tone" is not an objective fact but a judgment - and a criticism. No matter how "true" it may be, it will likely be heard as such, and will only decrease the chances of the limit being heard.
If the objective is to set a boundary, then doing it at that moment is not effective. Doing it after they are validated is.
Also, "disrespectful tone" is not an objective fact but a judgment - and a criticism. No matter how "true" it may be, it will likely be heard as such, and will only decrease the chances of the limit being heard.
Reminds me of that great scene in Dirty Harry, when the Mayor says:
"I don't want anymore trouble down there in the Fillmore District, like we had last year, Callahan. Hands off -- that's my policy."
Clint Eastwood (Harry Callahan): Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.
John Vernon (The Mayor): Intent? How did you establish that?
Clint Eastwood (Harry Callahan): : When a man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!
why would we ever want to say anything remotely critical and leave when somebody is throwing a tantrum and hurtling insults?
Because doing so decreases the likelihood of being able to effectively set the boundary.
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Shouldn't we reserve our criticism for folks who are behaving well and who have healthy boundaries?
Why would you want to criticize at all? Criticism is ineffective in setting boundaries, since it tends to shut the other person down. And it is engaging in the very behavior we wish to have the other stop doing.
Also, "disrespectful tone" is not an objective fact but a judgment - and a criticism. No matter how "true" it may be, it will likely be heard as such,
More importantly, why would we ever want to say anything remotely critical and leave when somebody is throwing a tantrum and hurtling insults?
Shouldn't we reserve our criticism for folks who are behaving well and who have healthy boundaries?
Oh... the irony is getting thick.
OK, allow me another story.
I'm in the "Express" line at my local supermarket (not the one I normally shop at, but the big "W-D" one), which, according to the sign, is for "10 items or less." And the woman in front of me has at LEAST 25 items -- probably more. Think she paid with a check, too. I'm sighing, and rolling my eyes, waiting for my turn. The woman leaves, and the cashier asks me "And how are you today?" and I say "I'm fine, but you know, you really shouldn't have an express line if you're not going to enforce it. That was ridiculous."
"Oh, we're told that we're not allowed to say anything, sir," she says, very nicely.
"Why not?" I ask.
"Because we're trained that it will only upset the customer."
"So let me get this straight," I persist, in my best John Becker/Larry David mode. "Do as not to 'upset' the customers who DON'T follow the rules, you piss off all of the customers behind them in line, who DO follow them?"
"Yes, that's right," she says. "That's what we're trained to do."
