New Knitting

[NotCrackingUp]

Hello,

I like symbols and double meanings and resonances. So, this thread thing makes me think of knitting (while heads roll off the guillotine, while Rome burns, while my H becomes a single man...). And I've been cast off, no two ways about it.

I'm alright, with very blue patches. Detaching myself slowly from old habits of devotion.

Dagny, I'm afraid that if I wait 1 year for every four I've been married until I date, I'll be waiting 4 years and six months. That means I'll be 50. I'll never last that long without male company, I'm afraid. It'll take that long to heal up, or even more. I know my H will always have a place in my heart, it'll be a sore place for a very long time. However, although it would be complicated and selfish to rush into a new R now, considering my children, I really feel that finding out if I'm still attractive to some men, feeling like a normal healthy woman again will be a necessary part of the healing process for me.

I haven't completely given up all hope of ever being a wife to my H again. BUT 1) I can't control his deeds, words and least of all his feelings; I don't even know his real feelings, nor does he, I'd say; 2) He's supposedly finished up with the Hairdresser from Hell, but they still see each other regularly through his work (she goes rock climbing, indoors and out, he's the instructor, she's the club secretary...)and it was a grand passion, so I can't really believe that; 3) He told me in August he didn't intend to remain single, he's since said he's meeting lots of new people, I think he's trying to find someone and keeping me on a back-burner just in case. He's quite capable of coming back to me in a year and saying he's met someone and wants to divorce;

He comes around here regularly to work on outbuildings. He was here this morning and ate with us. I stay pleasant and smiley enough but distant.So he now kisses me on the cheek as he arrives and as he leaves. It's a custom here, but he was not like that even recently, or was more frosty and aggressive. I say nothing until he asks me something, volunteer no info, don't phone or text. So he phones and texts, ending with "kisses". So strange. A few months ago, I'd have given my right arm for a "kiss". Now, I couldn't care less, really. He's hurt us too much.

I'm trying to get on with life and become the woman I'd have been if I hadn't ever met him, in some ways at least. The funny thing is, if he ever makes a move back, it'll be just when I won't give a tinker's curse anymore, I can feel it.

I still think all the time about the situation, about what I did wrong, what she did right. But beating myself up won't help. I really did my best and he knows I always loved him, he just shifted perspective at one time and stopped seeing me with loving eyes, became critical and distanced. I'd love him to get back to the way he saw me in the past, but that'll never happen. At best, he MAY start seeing me in a new light some day and want to discover what hes missing.MAY.

In the meantime, I can't see myself living like a nun for a long time. I won't stand it. At the same time, I'm not going to go out looking for someone, just let life take it's course.Virtue need not get too worried: I'm 46, have 3 kids, stretchmaks and laughter lines to prove it.

HIH,and Dagny, I've got in contact with PH through FCBK, but we've not just stayed on DB topics.I joined FCBK to be able to contact friends, I'd be happy to talk but not for it to become DBII.

To the re-see,NCU