I'm going to say somethings here that I have never said on this board before. A little about me first though. I loved my husband, he was my heart. For 13 years I researched communication, expressed my feelings of rejection to him in ways that would not be hurtful to him and I never got anything except dismissed. He was a superb husband by day. At night he turned his back on me. It was as if he were saying, "I love you but not enough to have sex with you." There aren't words to describe the damage that does to your soul and heart...to be rejected by the person who has vowed to love and protect you.

I kept my situation a secret. I would hear friends talk about their husband's pawing at them all the time and would think them foolish for not wanting to be wanted. There were times I wanted to ask my mother what she would do, what I should do. I never said a word because of the humiliation of knowing you are not wanted by your husband.

Since my divorce I have told my mother of the rejection, the times he would kick my feet away from him in the middle of the night. The times he would allow me to come over to his side of the bed to snuggle but only for a limited amount of time. My mother told me I should have my ass beat for allowing a man to do such harm to me.

I have often wondered what I would tell a daughter of mine is she came to me with the same problem. I am 51 years old and I have learned something that should have been evident to me from the very beginning. My husband did not love me. It is as plain and as simple as that. It is human nature to desire the person you love. It is human nature to be able to face even the most emotionally painful wounds if it means being with the one you love. If you are in a relationship with a person who is fully aware of your pain but choosing to ignore it then you are in a relationship with someone who does not love you. I do not want to hurt you anymore than you are already hurt. If you were my daughter, based on what I have learned from years of experiencing it, I would tell you to hire yourself a lawyer and get out before you let this man do more damage than is already done.

You love your husband. If he came to you and told you that an action of yours was causing him soul shattering pain you would not hesitate to change those behaviors. That is the measure of someone's love for you. If you make a reasonable request and you get dismissed you are not loved. Your husband has severe problems. They are problems that he will probably never face. He has already proven to you that his feelings for you are not strong enough to motivate him to face the problems.

You have two options. Stay stuck in a marriage that is more painful than it is joyful. A marriage that is so painful that it spills over into every area of your life. You will have to come to terms with the idea that you will share you life with a close friend, not a lover but a close friend who cares about you but just doesn't care enough. No amount of talking you do, no amount of therapy you participate, no matter how aloof or how angry you become is ever going to make a difference because the simple truth is, his weaknesses outweigh the degree of love he feels for you.

Option number two...get out now while you are still young. Heal your broken heart and broken dreams and then find yourself someone who can love you as you deserve to be loved. Someone who will allow you the joy of feeling wanted and desired. Honey, there is very, very little hope of your husband ever being that person. I'm sorry but keep reading this forum....you will find very few success stories. People in your situation either have to learn to live with it or get out of it.

I think what you should be asking yourself is...why am I so willing to have someone who is supposed to love me treat me this way? Where, along the line did I not learn that I deserve the love and respect for my feelings from my husband? It would break my heart to know my 24 year old daughter was suffering in the marriage that you are.
Cathy