My Situation - any thoughts or ideas

[XYZ]

That's the plan...

[XYZ]

Ok, need your take on a few items from the last 18 hours or so...

First, last night W got WAY angry (over the top) about an item that in the "old" days either would have been no issue or a minor issue. What I did was spend $60 on adult pay-per-view and she saw the cable bill. Now, keep in mind that she and I have watched these types of things before (more than once - sometimes as her suggestion) and she even in the told me in the past that she didn't mind if I watched them in a hotel when traveling. She really went overboard on it, hung up the phone on me, texted a couple of things that were just nutso (said I was just like her XH, how could I do that and then have the audacity to say we shouldn't date, she didn't give a sh#& what I did, etc). I didn't engage in anything and limited my comments to "You're right, I'm sorry" or "I understand, I'm sorry". The only push back from me was I asked her "not to hang the phone up on me". She said she didn't want to talk to me and I didn't call her.

This morning when I went to pick up the kids, she didn't say much to me, but later she texted me several times about the kids and even had a brief phone conversation (also about the kids), but she was totally pleasant with no anger at all.

Is this "normal" (what is normal any more?) WAW behavior? Was it a test? If it was, I think I passed it. She seems so irrational, angry, and just plan nuts.

Second item: I had dinner out last night with the male half of a couple we are friends with. During it he tells me that my W and his W had talked and my W had made comments about how hard I've been trying for several weeks now. No mention of reconciliation or anything like that, but did mention me trying hard. I guess that's a good sign. At least she's noticing.

And last: In our texting this morning about kids schedule she ask 2 items that would make me make minor changes in my work schedule (this was also a problem in the past as I "put work ahead of family"). In both cases, my reply was something along the lines of "Sure, no problem. I'll make it work". More testing?

I know I'm trying to mind-read here and shouldn't but a guy's got to "keep hope alive".

On another note, my friend last night did tell me how he and his W were talking about how great a catch I would be (good job, good looking, in shape, right age, etc) and would have no trouble "in the market" and how W - although she is extremely attractive - would bring two kids to the mix and that's a problem for many guys. Didn't care for the thought of W dating, but did make me feel better about myself. I think I feel a little closer to "wanting" my W but not "needing" her. Guess that's progress too...

-X

[XYZ]

Anybody?

[sandi2]

Not much to comment on. The only thing I would mention is that she is not your parent who you have to get permission to watch something. Why were you continuing to apologize while she fussed you out? I don't see that as progress in a big way. But that's just my POV.

[XYZ]

Well, I think I'm starting to get it. Really bizarre, but more I back off, the more she leans in. Ending phone conversations first, saying "see you later" and leaving, being strong, validating, etc.

I can tell some small, subtle changes in her. Guess I'll keep doing what works.... I think I've heard that somewhere around here before.

[sandi2]

Really bizarre, but more I back off, the more she leans in.

I'm telling you, it works! Put her in the pursuing mode.

[XYZ]

Here's my update from the weekend.... (a little long, but I like to include all relevant details, sorry)

I feel like I detect some softening and would love opinions. Hopefully I not just being hopeful and mindreading.

First, W invited me to come for dinner before taking the kids trick-or-treating. I thought that was nice of her, but not too much of a big deal.

I dressed well, changed cologne, looked good and acted just as I wanted to. In a nutshell, I was as attractive as I think I could possibly be. Had a great time with the kids playing before heading out and interacted nicely with W. We even had some easy conversation - not a bunch, but some.

We discussed upcoming Thanksgiving schedule and I told W that I preferred she not attend an upcoming family member wedding. She agreed and I said "good, I didn't want to insult you, but just would rather you didn't go".

Then took the kids out for a hour or so. After that W had made a coment about a burned out lightbulb, I changed it and paid a few bills that needed paying (we still have joint finances) and hugged the kids and headed out. I left without hanging around or anything like that.

About 30 minutes later, W initiated a text message conversation that ended up going over an hour. I know that text is a weird medium for these types of conversation, but W is a text maniac and it works for us.

Here's the conversation:

W: Thank you for taking them and attending to the bills.

Me: Of course. I had fun! I love being with them. And the bills are not as fun, but no big deal.

W: I know you do, and it's still nice to be appreciated.

Me: It is. Thank you.

W: Glad we were in the same place re: the wedding, we generally don't think the same way.

Me: Me too

W: and it's sad we were in the same with this

Me: I'm trying to see more things your way. You've helped me open my eyes a bit.

W: I'm sorry it has come to this.

Me: Me too. And I know you are.

W: Thanks for saying that.

Me: I know that you're not happy about this. I think I understand a little bit how frustrated and hurt you must have been.

W: No, I am not - I hung on and tried as long as I could - what are you understanding if you don't mind me asking?

Me: Well, know how they say hindsights is 20/20? Well I've looked back at things you said and did and realized now what you were trying to tell or show me yet I was oblivious. I see how many times you asked me about my work and I was just interested in making a million bucks. I see how you worked harder and harder at your business and I just wanted to work out. I see how with sex I misinterperted you doing something as you being ok with doing it. The common thread is this: the old me looked first at my perspective and then at others. The man I want to be and am becoming looks first at others and then my own. If I live to be 100 my biggest regret will be the cost of this lesson.

W: If I had more in me I would expend it. This is at a huge cost to me as well.

Me: I know it is. And I know you would. I blew it. No other way to say it.

W: We have still accomplished the best we ever will and we did that together, twice, and for that I am eternally grateful - you still gave me the best gift anyone has.

Me: I wish I could have done more. The kids are awesome but you deserved a husband just as awesome and I failed you.

W: We failed each other let's never fail them.

Me: We won't. I'm sure of it. I've learned my lessons about what is important and I'll never forget again.

Me: You never failed me.

W: It still feels that way for me, too.

Me: I'm sure it does. This can't be any easier for you than for me.

W: Meaning I bear some responsibility. No it isn't. In fact, I have had a hard time at working - crying, physical symptoms, etc.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that.

W: It's not new, just stonger - I will be ok.

Me: I know you will. You're the strongest chick I know.

W: I know you will be ok, too

Me: I will

W: BTW, both kids out's prior to 9. I really been working on night time routine.

Me: Sounds like you're doing awesome. Sorry I'm not able to help.

W: I know this is painful for the both of us and I do feel like we were imposing a certain contagion-the atmosphere feels different to them.

Me: I agree completely. My beer is gone. Can't decide is I should get another or go to bed.

W: How many have you had?

Me: 6. Kidding 1.

W: you would be ok with one more...

Me: See! That's what I decided too! Get outt my head, W!

W: Interested how on the same page we are....now?!

Me: Well...better later than never I guess.

W: True

Me: Sleep well, lady. I'm sure you have a busy week ahead.

W: Sweet dreams back

Me: Thanks.

W: Can I ask you an awkward question?

Me: Sure

W: When are you taking your ring off?

Me: Not soon, but I understand if you want to. I noticed you stopped wearing the engagement one.

W: Not about "want"

Me: Sorry, I know.

W: Feels odd on and I know it will feel strange off, too

Me: I understand. I'll be wearing mine for a long while, but I understand.

W: Can you help me understand your thinking and feeling with that?

Me: I just can't take it off. I've thought about it too, but I can't do it. I know where we are, but I'm not ready to do that.

W: I understand that. I just wasn't sure if it was about that or not wanting to explain.

Me: It's about me. No one else. It means too much to me.

W: Ok, I understand. Just wanted to ask hope that was ok.

Me: Of course. Beer gone...again

W: Ok, go to bed. You waill always be a cheap date

Me: I'm not interested in dating....;)

W: until the first pair of fake boobs look your way...just don't introducce her to the kids too soon.

Me: Not holding my breath...lol

W: Nite, see you tomorrow.

Me: Nite, chick. Try to sleep


So that was last night. I felt really good about it. But then this morning......two things:

First, she called me about some scheduling items. I reminded her that she agreed to go to my counseling session next week. She said "ok, but you seem to be pretty good with closure do we still need to do that?" I said "yes please"

Then the biggie......
Her mother told her that she had mentioned the wedding to me on Saturday. W went off the handle on me. Said I should have mentioned that yesterday. I said "yes, your mother told me that you two had discussed it, but she didn't tell me your plans". W said "I gave a different feel to it last night, I could have just asked". I said sorry, I did think you were still going based on the last thing you said to me. And your mom didn't tell me otherwise; just that you two had discussed it. But, I did-on my own-decide that it would be best if you didn't go. Didn't mean to misrepresent anything" W told me that "i don't believe that you are doing any of this on your own" and "I doesn't trust you or those supporting me". I said "I'm sorry you feel that way" She replied "me too, with good reason". I ended the converation.

What the heck?!?!?!? This back and forth is crazy. I just don't understand. But I love this woman so much.....

What do I do?

[MakingProgress]

She thought you were letting her go because of the texts (and therefore she could let go of the emotions and guilt trip) but realized you weren't when you said you still wanted to go to counseling, IMHO.

[XYZ]

W just called me and asked about the Wedding stuff. I explained my reasoning. Much better now. Calm. She understands. Whewwww.

[XYZ]

I have a question for those of you that have successfully either reconciled or at least gotten to piercing...

Did you WAS continue to make "definite" comments about D until right before a major change or did the "phase" out?

My W continues to be adamant ("when we're D", "After the D", etc) about D and I know I need to believe nothing the says, I just wonder if that will change slowly or continue right up to the last minute.