I have a bit of food for thought. I first got suspicious of my H's EA at my daughter's birthday party. OW was there, but at the time I did not suspect they were involved with each other. OW had been a friend of my H's that he knew through work. I had met her a few times and seemed like an ok person. I knew she was friends with my H and I knew he had probably talked about our M with her.
Anyway, as she was leaving, I told her that I knew she was aware my H and I were going through a difficult time and I appreciated his friends helping him try to work things out. I also told her that I had a lot of good reasons to hope that things would work in time. I let her know that I hoped we could be friends some day. The startled and pained look on her face was clue number one that something was up with her. She did not look happy at all when I said I ‘had hope.’
At the time, I thought I was putting someone at ease that was helping support my H, I was really taking a whack at her self confidence. Though I am now certain of an EA, I am still not absolutely sure they have crossed over into being a PA. From her point of view, if I had reason to hope, maybe it meant her relationship with my H wasn’t going as well of as she thought.
Admittedly, I have very little contact with OW, but I try to make it count. Since then, I have seen acting confident and secure around the OW or anyone she knows as a way to undermine her. A happy and hopeful wife means that her relationship is in trouble. Hopefully it will make her more clingy and needy. We all know how attractive being clingy, demanding, and needy is, now don’t we?
I even used my facebook page to ‘advertise’ to both her and my H how well I am doing. Not sure what that is doing to her yet, but I know it has helped my H start coming around again.
Here is my action list for those rare times I have to deal with OW: 1. Smile and be generally cheerful 2. Let her know that ‘things are getting better, and that I haven’t given up on him’ 3. Be vague – it lets her imagination go wild
OK, thanks to you both. I will continue to think through this. I think he still thinks he is getting away with me not knowing... deep down he knows I am sure, but the fantasy world is all he can seem to think about.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I even used my facebook page to ‘advertise’ to both her and my H how well I am doing. Not sure what that is doing to her yet, but I know it has helped my H start coming around again.
Here is my action list for those rare times I have to deal with OW: 1. Smile and be generally cheerful 2. Let her know that ‘things are getting better, and that I haven’t given up on him’ 3. Be vague – it lets her imagination go wild
^^^ I like it!
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I have been thinking about rejoining FB for this purpose. I have also been toying with creating an e-mail account and sending myself some interesting msgs from an OM that doesn't exist cause I know he is monitoring my e-mail... thinking of using that to my advantage
However, I feel that I need to let him know, when the timing is right that I love him but don't want him anymore, that he is a different person now. Unless he knows I have let go, I don't think he will ever figure out what he has lost. (I have definitely been showing it in my actions...) Nor do I think I will ever get him to give me the intensive weekend therapy session I want regarding closure/clarity... if something else comes out of it, great but I really do want this no matter the outcome of the marriage...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I would caution you not to make things up with FB. Use it to report your genuine successes, not as a trick. Otherwise they will probably see through it. Keep it positive and a little superficial too, no bashing your H. You want it to show how well you are doing, not how upset you are.
Another wonderful benefit is to you get to reconnect with friends and family whose support you need right now. Just be careful that they know not to discuss your situation on FB.
I would think twice about fake OM emails though. It just lets him think his actions are justified and can escalate your situation very quickly. Besides, you are way classier than he is. Don't let him think you have to depend on some OM, real or pretend. Let him see you stand on your own. It will truly be harder for him to cope with you showing strength and self reliance than believing you stooped to his level anyway.
As far as talking, I would wait. Take some more time to detach, protect yourself, and sort out the specifics of what you want. Closure is often a myth anyway. Real closure is when you can let go of the need for an answer.
Good words Hope. It is true, my W has confirmed all this. They have to see it for themselves, however long that takes and whatever it is that finally snaps them out of the fog. That's why everyone talks about use this time for yourself, because its the only thing you can be certain of.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
