Wise words ABG...I couldn't agree more. Non-violent Communication is a very helpful resource for learning about peaceful communication where the intention is to truly share and not just approach communication as combat.
It’s completely understandable to be skeptical. I certainly felt the same way when I first heard about this approach. If I hadn’t witnessed its power in relationships - whether enhancing communication or setting boundaries - I would probably still feel that way.
Also, keep in mind that what was presented were just possible initial responses. It typically takes several back & forths to get to that point.
I can’t attest directly to whether it would be effective when dealing with an addict. Depending on the depth of the addiction, an addict is in a permanent state of unconsciousness, and it probably takes more than effective communication to facilitate a change. However, there’s probably very little a spouse can do other than to learn to stop enabling and ultimately leave if the addiction continues. That is the realm of professionals.
Just because something may possibly not be effective for an addict, does that mean it is useless in interacting with a spouse?
It makes sense that this be seen as coddling or even reinforcing “bad” behavior. I felt similarly before I saw it in action and felt its effectiveness. I wish I could state I always take this approach. A couple of weeks ago I had an argument with my W and I did the walk-away thing. There’s certainly nothing wrong with that - and it took a bit longer to process and resolve the disagreement as a result.
That’s why the “why” part is a crucial precursor. I have no interest in being in a relationship with a rapist; I do have an interest in a loving relationship with my W. Since boundaries are a crucial part of that, I want to do what is most effective, and this approach has worked for me and our M. Your mileage may vary.
Also, FWIW, I don't use "conscious" and "unconscious" in any deeply spiritual sense. When I am "unconscious" simply means that I am in the grip of my feelings and am reactive rather than responsive. I am unable to hear what the other person is communicating. When I am "conscious," I am aware of my feelings but not being driven by them. So I am able to hear them.
Also, FWIW, I don't use "conscious" and "unconscious" in any deeply spiritual sense. When I am "unconscious" simply means that I am in the grip of my feelings and am reactive rather than responsive. I am unable to hear what the other person is communicating. When I am "conscious," I am aware of my feelings but not being driven by them. So I am able to hear them.
So when someone "is in the grip of their feelings, and reactive" you excuse any of their boorish behavior?
Sorry, that dog won't hunt with me. I think it's not good for the recipient, and it also does no favors for the boor.
i.o.w. I think you must say "I can hear that you're frustrated, but I won't tolerate the disrespectful tone" ...(or yelling, or whatever -- insert boorish behavior HERE)... "if you can't speak to be respectfully, this conversation is over."
I think we've talked this one to death, Arnie. We're going to just have to agree to disagree.
