How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[Dagny-2]

Hi NCU!

I've been catching up on everything and would it be okay if I fly over and crack your H over the head? I just hate the things they do to purposely undermine our self confidence. I really think they know they are doing it, maybe it isn't a completely intentional thing, but they know.

I started going to a divorce care group and the topic last night was dating again. The experts advised that you should wait 1 year for every 4 years you were married! Yikes. Though at this point I'm similar to you, I'm not going to take my wedding ring off until the divorce is final, want to show the kids that I mean what I say, and who would date a married woman with kids? No one I would want in the long run. Though I figure 5 years will give me plenty of time to get my body back in shape and hide some of those awful stretch marks!

The overwhelming theme, though, of the dating topic, was doing the healing of yourself before venturing out in the relationship world -- being comfortable in your own skin, not needing someone to feel whole, being happy alone, all the stuff that I think (I hope) doing the GAL stuff will get us to that stage. And I think when we hit the stage, not wanting H back, not needing him, being happy, that is when they are going to show up at the door with their tails between their legs. Though I feel that will happen more in your sitch, than mine, nothing is impossible. Though flirting I think is good. That can be fun, just don't go to far, because I think you would regret it eventually.

And my FB account is Dagny Galt, I just started it for keeping up with some DB friends, nice to see pics with some of these names!

Dagny

[hurtinhartford]

Hi Dagny-2,

I wonder why the arbitrary ratio of 4 to 1 regarding years married to years before one can date? I certainly believe that it is solely based on each individual and how they focus on healing themselves during the S and after the D.

I know the site is dedicated to DB'ing; however, the underlying theme is GALing and detaching to help the LBS become a stronger and healthier individuals and to prepare us for the journey ahead whatever that might be.

I was a disaster when my W left and went dark. I was trolling these posts and dissecting every trivial element of my sitch. Thank goodness for the posters on this site that talked me down numerous times and guided me when I most needed it.

I realized that I could not go on like that and be the happy healthy individual that I wanted to be. So I GAL'ed and I am still GAL'ing like a mad man and doing the things that make me happy. If I feel that I would like to have a person of the opposite sex join me "date" I am certainly not marking an arbitrary date on my calendar based on the number of years that I was married to do so. Though I do use my horoscope to pick my lottery numbers

I use to feel sympathy for the posters who have been on this site for years DB'ing when their WAS has no interest in saving the M. Sure it is noble to sacrafice ones happiness for the good of the cause...saving your M. However, if your WAS is not interested and never will be interested in saving the M...who loses?

I know it sounds selfish to think of ones happiness only, but are the posters who are on the this site for years single handedly DB'ing also being selfish? They are thinking of their own happiness, but have not accepted the fact that they can be happy on their own. Instead they continue lingering into the lives of their WAS making their lives miserable and in return being rejected again and again.

So I am a big advocate of GAL'ing and detaching and focusing on your own happiness and forgetting what the WAS thinks or might do for me or our M. I have started dating...though I am M and have a piece of paper to prove it...wait a minute I think my STBXW has that emotionally I'm not! And dating to me is going out with different people not getting emotionally attached having a conversation, dinner and a movie...nothing sexual. So I do not see it as having an affair. Maybe my dating in the eyes of some of the posters is not the noble thing to do. I see it as part of my GAL. Although, I would like to DB my STBXW has to want that too! I don't plan to be one of the posters that is here two years from now still carrying a torch for my WAS. Life is too precious and short to sacrifice it for others!

[pinhead]

I have to question the 4:1 ratio as well. Maybe that might apply to waiting the same interval before remarrying, but dating? That's just crazy to me. If my W filed today, I'd have to wait four years before dating.

Now sure, that much distance would be a good thing, but a necessary thing? I think it's way to easy for someone to lump everyone together into a convenient metric.

[Dagny-2]

We are hijacking your thread NCU!

The divorce care is a series of videos and then discussions, it was funny because they prefaced the ratio with a bunch of experts saying you are going to like this! Now, I'm not sure if it was for dating or for marriage, as the discussion was on the success rate of 2/3/4 marriages if the healing isn't done first.

I sure do hope I'm not going to put my life on hold for too long waiting for H, I see it as parallel paths, getting my life together and if he ever decides to reconile, then make that decision then. I waited 14 months last time, I'm not going to wait that long again. But, I think the recovery process (not just DBing) is going to take some time, and maybe that is where the 4:1 comes in to play, the longer the M, the longer it takes to heal. I agree, I would be 5 1/2 years to date? I don't know if I want to wait that long, but I'm also too early in the process to do anything but fantasize about some of the cute soccer coaches.

Dagny

[hurtinhartford]

Dagny-2,

I have not read all of your thread, but your H must be some kind of wonderful for you to put your life on hold for fourteen months and now waiting for your H to decide on whether to reconcile or not. Why put your life, health and happiness in his hands? What are you doing in terms of GAL? And are you working on detaching?

GAL for yourself! and think about what makes Dagny-2 happy! Oh!we are neighbors by the way...I live in Hartford, CT.

[NotCrackingUp]

Hello everyone;
The thread police are after me, flaming spears burn my ears etc. So I'm going to have to start a new stoory. I'll call it "New Knitting". Flippancy is getting me through the day at present.
NCU