I have just read the book The Sex Starved Marriage. I found it comforting to know that I am not the only one out there and that there might be hope for my marriage. The thing is, however, that although I found the book enlightening and am ready to try it, my husband is balking. That is not really different from the norm. I am willing to do anything, but he seems happy with the status quo.
I really just need to vent, and perhaps find others that understand, because sometimes, I feel so alone and sad. My story is a bit long, but if there is any advice that you can give me after reading it, I really appreciate it.
My husband and I have been married seven months. I am 24 and he is 30. We both have jobs, bought a house a month ago, and are reasonably financially secure. We have many common interests and have such a good time together. I love my husband, he is truly a wonderful man, and in most ways, we have a great marriage. We have been together a total of four years and we have never even come close to breaking up. We agree on almost everything, from how we spend our money to how many children we want to have. There is, however, one MAJOR issue that causes us to disagree.
He is completely uninterested in sex. To be fair, he has never been a maniac about sex, although he was a lot more into it when we first started making love. The first six months of our sex life was great, and then it started drying up fast.
He always has some excuse; he's tired, there's something good on tv, I spent too long on the phone with my mom. . . but it all just boils down to the essential: He isn't interested and he isn't willing to do anything about it.
I have cried, begged, pleaded, and yes, although I am ashamed to admit it, I have gotten very angry. At times, I am embarassed by how I act. But I just get so frustrated. Weeks and months will go by, and I will initiate and get rejected countless times, and then I will lose it. His way of dealing with this problem is to ignore it or belittle it. Usually, he lets me rant and rave or cry, and he'll go to sleep in the middle of it. I just lie there and cry and he snores and sometimes, I want to just scream. I am in so much pain and he just sleeps as if the world is fine.
Realistically, I know I am not gross or ugly. I am five foot six, 134 pounds, and while not a raving beauty, I have the "girl next door" thing going for me with long brown hair and blue eyes. Many people tell me that I am pretty. I also keep myself in relatively good shape and maintain good hygiene. But I FEEL horrible about myself. I constantly battle with my weight and feel as if I am fat. I know that I cannot completely blame my husband for how I feel, but it is hard to feel sexy or beautiful when the one person in the world who is supposed to think that I am so obviously doesn't.
My husband has variety of issues. He has low testosterone, which we only found out about after I practically forced him to go to the doctor. But that was discovered two years ago, and he is on injections, and his levels are now in the normal range. He was on antidepressants for about nine months. It was definitely worse while he was on them, and when he stopped taking them, things got better for a couple of weeks, but now they are bad again.
We had to go to premarital counseling for our wedding, and we got into this issue then. The doctor suggested some things, and we tried them. I had fun, and he seemed to as well, but I can't get him to do them again. We have bought a couple of toys (my idea), but eventhough he enjoyed them once, he doesn't seem to like to use them now.
Anyway, I am tired of always initiating, only to be turned down. Sometimes, I don't know where I even get the courage to ask for sex. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. You'd think I would have learned by now. A lot of times, I would be satisfied with kissing or some sexual touching, but all of that is off limits. I can't even tell him that I want him or that I think he is sexy, because he gets irritated. And I could count on one hand the amount of times he has said that to me.
I am sorry that this is so long. I just have never had a place to talk about this before. Please, any advice, any words of wisdom. I love my husband, I believe in marriage, I don't want to end up a statistic, and I certainly don't want to cheat. But I just don't know what to do.
Quote: He was on antidepressants for about nine months. It was definitely worse while he was on them, and when he stopped taking them, things got better for a couple of weeks, but now they are bad again.
Hi New: You've definitely come to the right place for information, although I'm sure you wish you didn't have to.
How long has your H been off the ADs and which one(s) was he one?
I've been on one AD for 2 months and my sex drive disappeared. Mr Dr. put me on a second AD that is supposed to help with that side effect. Have been on that one only 3.5 weeks and my drive is just starting to slowly return.
I've done a *lot* of reading on ADs and with some the sex drive is very, very slow to return.
of course this all sounds familiar...though my h never bothered to talk to his doctor about it and was always content with the "that's just the way I am" technique.
the only thing I can tell you is that things can get better (probably never fully to your liking) but it may take something drastic to happen first..what that will be I don't know.
Hi You need to have a serious talk about this. You've only been married for 7 months and you are very unhappy. OK it's good in other ways, but can you put up with this for the rest of your life? You wouldn't ask for a D on account of it, but you will slowly drift apart. You will become less close. You will find attention from others hard to ignore. What about having children? You are still young and you may want this in the future even if not right away.
Can you have a sensible talk about this at a time away from the bedroom. You must be nice but spell out the consequences of going on like this. It is not going to work out. An M is difficult enough when everything is OK. With this problem every other little thing is going to be much harder to deal with. Because I found it difficult to talk to my H about our problems I wrote him a letter about it. Since then things have improved but it has been quite a slow process. That's OK with me as long as I see some improvements and know that he loves me. You will probably have to compromise too but that shouldn't be a problem. Just don't let things drag on any longer the way they are.
First of all, thank you to all that have responded thus far. I have since been reading more posts on this site, and I don't honestly know if it makes me feel better or worse. Part of me is just glad not to be alone, but mostly, I feel worse, because it seems as if most people are just so sad and frustrated.
To address the issue of the antidepressants. He was put on them largely because of his lack of sex drive (which I NEVER understood, since that is usually a side effect). He was on 150 mg of Effexor, which was his second drug (I can't remember the first one now). Anyway, the doctor felt that perhaps he was depressed and that was why the lack of sex, but it never improved. In fact, it seemed that once he had this "excuse" of depression, he felt justified in not making love, and I felt like an a$$ for pushing the subject. After nine months on them, he was tired of letting drugs "rule his life." Against my wishes and the advice of his doctor, he took himself off of them and went through a really rough week. But then there were a couple of weeks, where he felt as if "his feelings were coming back," and we had sex TWICE in one week. However, it then quickly faded back to the norm, which is about once a month, but only after begging, pleading, and crying and about fifty very painful rejections.
To address LostLove and how her husband doesn't want to talk to a doctor, that is also my issue. I had to practically force my H go to after this had all been going on for a year. He was really uncomfortable and threw all sorts of excuses around, but finally went. Unfortunately, I don't believe that he ever explained the gravity of the situation, because the doc didn't seem very concerned. Once, I went in with him, and was made to feel like this selfish person because my h was depressed and all I cared about was sex. That is not the case, but it is so hard to have continued sympathy for someone when they won't do anything to help themselves and they show absolutely no empathy for how I feel.
And finally, to JiJi, I have talked and talked and talked and talked and cried and cried and threatened and threatened and talked and talked and talked and talked. . . Well, you get the message. I believe in open and honest communication and I am not one to suffer in silence. I have tried everything. I know getting mean is not the answer, but sometimes, I just get so frustrated that I don't know how to handle the feelings inside. And as much as I talk, my husband just retreats. Even when I do get him talking about this issue, all he does is apologize. But he will not promise to change.
We went to a premarital counselor. I have to admit, at the time we went (four months before our marriage), I was about to walk. I was starting to realize what a HUGE issue this was, and one that was permeating everything else. The counselor told us that he was impressed by what a great couple we were, and although we had this one problem, he was sure we could fix if. A professional was telling me this, and I do love my H so much, so we decided to work on it. The counselor gave us some exercises to try and it was like pulling teeth! If he did try, he was grudging and reluctant (oh, what fun!), but mostly, he would just refuse. The counselor said that I put too much into sex and that my H shouldn't be made to feel guilty about his feelings, and if he wanted to say no, I needed to accept it. I tried, I really did, but my H just saw that as a license to say no. After our required sessions (four required by our minister), my husband declared that he was too busy for counseling. After the wedding, he promised to go back. It took me four months of constant pressuring, finally we did go back, but I felt as if we were talking in circles and the counselor seemed to go off on these tangents and not offer anything solid to go on. My husband was supposed to continue by himself, but he hated going, and they just ended up talking about politics. He went for three more visits, and now won't go again.
Anyway, so that is where it is at. Believe me, I am frustrated, sad, horribly ashamed, embarassed, and just completely depressed that at seven months our marriage is in trouble. That is why I am here. I know we need help, and soon, because I don't know if I have it in me to feel this worthless and alone for the rest of my life.
Hello newlywed. I don't post much here anymore but you post struck a chord with me. It sounds like your h has been the medical route to address his testosterone levels and depression. Been there done that in my sitch too. I have to wonder if your h has some sexual abuse/molestation issues?
I'm throwing that out because my h was molested when he was a a teenager and our swxual relationship started out pretty good, especially while we were dating. After we married it became less frequent and for the past 2 yrs non existant. (We have been married for 7 yrs).
Even though my h believed that he had dealt with his molestation issues, recent counseling has brought this issue up again and they are issues still for him. I offer this as just an observation on my part and if your h is resisting counselling, I'd bet there IS a deeper reason that perhaps he is ashamed of facing.
An affair is not the answer newlywed, and would create way more problems than answers to meet your sexual needs, IMHO. Is counselling an option for you? It has been for me and it is a support too.
Quote: And as much as I talk, my husband just retreats.
How about not talking about it and focusing on other parts of your relationship that you both enjoy? It does NOT get your h "off the hook" for his responsibility with the problem but it might give him the space to be accepted for who he is deep down inside. My h wasn't able to talk about our lack of sexual relations until I backed right off, took the pressure off for him to perform, and gave him some space to sort out his stuff. We are still in process in dealing with this aspect of our marriage and it will take time. Just my $.02 worth.
Thanks for the post. I agree with you, cheating would change nothing for the good, and I really don't WANT sex with someone else. I love my h and it is only him that I want to share my passion with. I just worry about that changing in the future.
As far as not talking, I think that is a great idea. I do try that, as well, although I am not nearly as good at it. I tend to do what I call "cycling" with this issue. I posted on another thread about this last night, but basically, I can go for awhile and NOT talk about sex, and not initiate, and not get angry, but when we still don't have sex, I get frustrated. Then, I start wanting him physically, and I lose my resolve "to never ask again" and initiate. He refuses. This happens a couple of times, and then I start getting resentful. A few weeks go by and then I am really getting frustrated - emotionally and physically. And then the anger starts and I get depressed and lose hope. I am in that point of the cycle right now. I just sometimes feel as if I am carrying the weight of our entire relationship on my shoulders. Like if I gave up, there would be nothing left. But that is not exactly fair, because in almost all other aspects, he is very good at keeping up his end of the relationship bargain.
As for the sexual abuse, I am not aware of any. HOWEVER, his younger cousin was abused and then abused one of his friends, so this issue is definitely in his family. And, the issue that I tend to think might affect his desire, is the fact that his father passed away when he was 9. His mother never remarried nor had any serious relationships following that event, and as a result, I don't think he got to witness a "healthy" adult relationship (his parents were divorced for two years before his dad died). There are other issues surrounding his dad's death which also complicate the situation, so I think all of this might combine to exacerbate the low sex drive.
Last night and today were horrible for me. I even talked to a friend about this (something I try not to do). I have resorted to talking to her before and she said she thought I should give up on the marriage before we have kids and "screw them up." I am not ready to give up on my M or my H, even though that sometimes seems like the easier route. I take reliable birth control and we are definitely putting off children for awhile.
I have definitely considered going to a counselor. This has really wrecked havoc with my self esteem and body image. With the wedding, then buying the house, and I am starting a new job, there just doesn't seem to be a lot of extra money floating around for counseling.
Tonight was better, because by the time he got home, I had calmed down a lot and was able to sit and talk with him without the hurt emotions from last night. I just told him calmy that I cannot and will not live like this for my entire life and that it has to change. He agreed that we need to go to a different counselor, a sex therapist. . .
and he let me read some of the book to him!!!!! He wasn't as excited about it as I was, but I could tell that certain parts of the book reached him. I could also tell that he was relieved it wasn't another book, bashing him for being LD. I feel a lot better now, but I also know from our history, that the cycle will repeat.
Very sorry to hear about your situation - seems like your sex life has been marginal or worse for most of your relationship and that your fragile self esteem has been severely tested as a result.
I wish I could see a positive sign that your husband's sex drive would improve over time, but unless there is some underlying root physical or emotional issue than can be identified and fixed, I can't imagine how the situation will improve by itself over time.
The vast majority of posts on this matter sound almost identicle to yours in that the LD spouse rarely develops into a moderate desire indvidual. The LD spouse may make an effort for a few weeks to have a sex life but this is rarely sustained and the relationship reverts back to the never ending circle of frustration, anger and depression.
The only turn arounds seem to occur when the HD spouse threatens to leave and makes serious moves in this regard. This is a very risky proposition as there is a real danger that the LD spouse will not respond and you are left with either leaving or staying and loosing any leverage at all. I am not convinced that the situation improves over the long term if the LD spouse merely goes along with trying to have a sex life only to hold onto their spouse - over the longer term I wonder if the relationship slips back into its old ways.
I wish I could be more positive but I think you have a difficult decision ahead at a very early stage of your marriage. An active sex life is natural and important to most people and being robbed of this is a serious impediment to your sense of well being. From years of struggling in a relationship with a ND spouse, I can tell you that as a HD individual, surpressing your sexuality forever and living a happy life isn't really possible.
I wish you all the best of luck in a very difficult situation.
I don't think I have seen this expressed in any better terms. The ONLY way to solve this issue is to eventually CHANGE the LD spouse. Step #1 is to get the LD spouse to actually UNDERSTAND the issue, and this in it self is almost an impossible feat, you know, the old aurgument, "It's Only Sex" crap. Step #2, not only must they understand the issue, but they must also literally must change their level of desire for sex. I say this because if they don't, they won't be able to "FOOL" the HD spouse into thinking that they actually want to do these things. You must DESIRE to do these things, willingness to do them always results in eventual failure.
I just got the books from B. DeAngelis about what men and woman want. If you read the book about what women want men to know, "The Key To a womens sex, is through her heart". If you read the book about what men want, "The Key to a man's Heart is through his Penis". If I were a LD or ND spouse, this book would be down right FRIGHTENING. Literally, if you read this book about men, if you are a ND spouse, you will find that you are FAILING at virtually EVERYTHING. You will find out that virtually EVERYTHING about a man both physically and emotionally runs through 6 inches of his body. If you want to have ANY hope at connecting with your man, you must LOVE connnecting with that 6 inches. If you AVOID that 6 inches, THERE IS 100% NO CHANCE OF CONNECTING TO YOUR HUSBAND (if he is HD). Not only must you connect with that 6 inches, you must LOVE to connect with that 6 inches in ALL ways, ESPECIALLY ORALLY(read the book, you will find out that this is the most important form of LOVE for your husband). I probably will NOT recommend this book to anyone until their wifes are further down the trail towards fixing this problem because I would think that a book like this could really give a ND spouse real problems because it stresses that you must perform as a HD spouse if you want a decent relationship.
The problem we both face is that us HD spouses already have the PHYSICAL kick(our bodies actually process testosterone correctly), so all we have to do is fix the emotional issues. But I believe that among ND spouses, they have to fix the emotional issuse, and once this is done, they still need the physical kick to get them over the hump, and it just is not there. Their bodies are literally not processing testosterone correctly,and this is where TRUE desire comes from. This is why some relationship experts say that true desire for LD women is almost impossible to achieve. Why do you think that all these books, including Michelle's keep reminding us HD men that WE have the testosterone and they don't.
Monk, read this web site "Willingness to Desire". It goes through a lot of steps on how to restore SOME desire. You literally have to get your ND spouse to understand the problem first, then you have to hope they have unbelievable commitment to fixing this problem, then youi and your spouse must find the absolute easiest way for the ND spouse to meet this need, and THEN BE HAPPY WITH A HALF ASSED PERFORMANCE ON THIER PART, as they really don't have the tools to actually fix the problem, again, LACK of testosterone!!!! Sorry if this offends people, but read the web pages, Smalley openly admits that LD wives just don't have the real tools to REALLY have desire. 90% of his marriage counselling is for just this very problem!
Newlywed, I have to totally agree with Cemar and Monk. I am dealing with LD on the part of my husband due to illness but years ago I was engaged to a young man and we entered into a normal sexual relationship. He was "normal" in every sense of the word. The night we got married in a big formal wedding was the beginning of the end. Talk about a kick in the pants for an 18 year old bride.
I was expecting stars on our wedding night and all I got was a very rushed upset bridegroom. The next morning he hid for hours in the bathroom. I was so puzzled. After our honeymoon he started avoiding sex with me. He was too tired, had an upcoming baseball game (had to save his legs he said) not tonight, blah blah, all the while going to bed with an erection!
He constantly rejected me and said that I was a nympo. Mind you he LOVED the sex before we married. After we married he literaly had me convinced that I had something wrong with me!
He made me a nervous wreak. He finally said if we had sex it would make me dirty like his mother. (she had ran off with her husband's good friend and left her 6 children when he was 12).
I loved my ex when we married and thought we had a great future. My entire extended family LOVED him. He was like a brother to my brother. (My brother went toes up when I finally did leave my ex-husband) His little brother was only 13 years old and lived with us and he was a great kid.
I stayed way too long because I did not want a divorce. Just after I turned 20 I left. When I left I had high blood pressure and hot flashes! I was an emotion wreak. I can truly say I have never forgot how horrible it made me feel.
After we seperated he started sleeping around with every low life in our town all the while telling me how sorry he was and wanted me back and he would change. NO THANK YOU!
I tell you this not to discourage you but to concur with CeMar and Monk. People with sexual issues rarely change. In my case with the ex he viewed me as a "good" girl who sex would make dirty. I was to be on a pedestal. Baloney!
Before I left him all love had vanished and was just left with pity. His touch made my skin crawl I hate to say. In many ways I really felt bad about leaving him. His mother left him, his father died at Christmas his senior year in high school, and then his wife left him.
But he did bring it on himself. I had begged him to seek counseling and he said no. When I read your posts I felt all those old feelings of hurt and pain that I associated with my ex.
I know for some people sex is not an issue but it was an issue for me. I knew that I wanted to have a normal sex life and not always be angry with whomever I was married to over something that should be joyous.
You have many hard decisions to make. To go or to stay. In the end someone loses big time. A lukewarm sex life to a HD person is am emptiness that can't be filled. In my current situation I find it hard to accept now even though I know the LD is caused by illness & medication side effects.
The result is the same - my sex life has suffered and after years of having a great sex life with my spouse of 21 years it is hard to accept. I miss the fun of a great roll in the hay with, to me anyway, the sexiest guy in the world. We still have sex but not like we used to.
Sometimes I feel like it is greatest irony of all. I can remember telling my ex that we only had sex 2 times a month and we were 20 & 22 years old at the time what would it be like in our 40's? Well here I am in my 40's and a sex problem has cropped up!
I am so sorry that you are having this problem. It does make you feel so alone. Keep your chin up and don't "own" this problem. Try not to take it personally. It sounds like you have so much going for you. At a young age you seem to have accomplished much. A good job, a new home.
Focus on your positives and don't feel like his problem is because of you. His problem is just that - his.
of course this all sounds familiar...though my h never bothered to talk to his doctor about it and was always content with the "that's just the way I am" technique.