When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[mishka422]

BAD BAD BAD night with mom last night.

I left work and went straight to the hospital with the plan of spending 1 hour there and then heading home to make a healthy meal and a bit of veg time to relax. That was blown apart after I had been there 10 minutes. In a nutshell she had all the symptoms of having a heart attack without the electrical readout of one. They believe it was a combination of acid reflux, a lot of excess gas from a medication they had given her earlier in the day and her inability to change position on her own. I was there until after 11pm and then couldn't sleep last night because I was expecting my phone to ring any minute with bad news. UGH. We'll see how today goes. They are trying to get her blood thicker with vitamin K so they can do a procedure. It's almost to the right number but probably a few more days before they can do it.

Gabe had me book an airline ticket for him for 1DEC-8DEC to go visit his mom. I'm trying not to have anxiety about it but I am not succeeding. My insides are in knots over it, my thoughts keep repeating "So how many ho's is he going to sleep with while he's there?". None of my business. He has no commitment to me. That doesn't mean that my heart and head aren't at war over that but there is nothing I can do about it.

Trust me, 2x4's are not going to help here. We have a sick, twisted semi-relationship with no direction and that is my own fault. He supports me and helps me with Marc and mom. He hugs and kisses me and that feels so nice. Always living in the moment with no future is becoming exhausting as I feel like the next thing I say, the day that I get cranky, the time I am too tired to accommodate his sexual needs will be the end of the road. I have too many other people that need me at the moment to be dealing with this though so I just keep sweeping it away. It will catch up with me and I'll completely come undone right in front of him. I know that. Again, no need to slam me upside the head with it. There is just no way to approach this with him. When and if I do, he will walk. Maybe that would be for the best. Maybe I'm just to exhausted to care.