It takes time for me to give a thoughtful response to some questions. Ineeded to process the evening's event in a way to get myself some balance. I wasn't ready to address your question. I also have limited time to respond to posts during a work day. There are times I may not post for several days. You did deserve some sort of response, even if it was simply I'll get back to you, or I'm thinking about your question. Please give me some latitiude with a response time, and that I'm taking care of things in ways that I need to.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
One of the things dancing does, is create an opportunity for my W and I to reconnect. In the past I probably would have kept a distance from her. On the way to the dance venue last night my W mentioned that she is intimidated by the weeknight dance venue. She is uncomfortable not having a network yet. Could she be handling it better? Of course.
I think a balance between love and boundaries is needed. What is the best response I could have had when she walked off the floor? I'm open to suggestions. I chose to take off my shoes, and end the evening, since we had been there for some time.
I think the plan for next time will be to continue to give her most of my dances, keep the evening short, and encourage her to break the ice and ask guys to dance. I also expect her to not yet be comfortable there, so not to take poor behavior personally. One can call it "walking on eggshells" but I think I need to give her latitude and be supportive. If I give her grief over her behavior, she may not take it well and stop going.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It takes time for me to give a thoughtful response to some questions. Ineeded to process the evening's event in a way to get myself some balance. I wasn't ready to address your question. I also have limited time to respond to posts during a work day. There are times I may not post for several days. You did deserve some sort of response, even if it was simply I'll get back to you, or I'm thinking about your question. Please give me some latitiude with a response time, and that I'm taking care of things in ways that I need to.
CL
Understood -- thanks. I was a grouch myself last nite. I understand that not everyone is online all of the time, however when I see a poster respond to someone else who posted AFTER me, and then respond to me in a day or so, I wonder if I came across wrong or if my words were unwelcome. Everyone's thread should be their own "safe haven," and so I'd never want to cause undue angst or be an unwelcome guest.
One of the things dancing does, is create an opportunity for my W and I to reconnect. In the past I probably would have kept a distance from her. On the way to the dance venue last night my W mentioned that she is intimidated by the weeknight dance venue. She is uncomfortable not having a network yet. Could she be handling it better? Of course.
I think a balance between love and boundaries is needed. What is the best response I could have had when she walked off the floor? I'm open to suggestions. I chose to take off my shoes, and end the evening, since we had been there for some time.
I think the plan for next time will be to continue to give her most of my dances, keep the evening short, and encourage her to break the ice and ask guys to dance. I also expect her to not yet be comfortable there, so not to take poor behavior personally. One can call it "walking on eggshells" but I think I need to give her latitude and be supportive. If I give her grief over her behavior, she may not take it well and stop going.
CL
CL, I don't disagree with any of that. But it's a question of DEGREE. I think the balance you speak of should be "50/50," and I see you doing basically "90/10," and I think -- over time -- your wife loses respect (and therefore love) for you when you do that. She seems to respond to you when you take a SLIGHTLY firmer stance, and stand up for yourself.
Now, this "50/50" doesn't mean it should be manifested 50/50 in every situation -- that's an average. Some situations call for 90/10 or 10/90, depending on the situation. For example, if your wife's parent passed away, you would be right to give her near-total latitude in her behavior for a period of time.
Personally, I think when she walked off the floor that you should have continued dancing, and not responded to her rude behavior. It shows you VALUE yourself, and that you are enforcing your boundaries.
Balance of love and boundaries ... YES. But in what MIXTURE -- that is the question.
I would also add that there's nothing UNLOVING about enforcing a boundary in a calm, civil way. In fact I would contend that you do NEITHER yourself nor your wife any favors when you tolerate (and -- worse -- enable) her boorish behavior.
Go back thru your own thread and look for the times she has responded positively to your boundaries. Did she not go get the job, for example?
But it's a question of DEGREE. She seems to respond to you when you take a SLIGHTLY firmer stance, and stand up for yourself.
Balance of love and boundaries ... YES. But in what MIXTURE -- that is the question.
Starsky
I like how you're articulated this problem and framework for solutions. It makes sense to me. I agree that love and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. The difficulty as you suggest is making a decision as to the ratio of allowing versus boundry-setting. I would also add that the question is not only deciding on the mixture but the form the boundaries should take.
I think one of the resons I put so much emphasis on love , is because in the past I would react out of self-centeredness, and be passive-aprressive or withdraw, and then carry around resentment. I've learned that anything I say or do has to come from compasssion, otherwise we'll just go in circles.
The situations I have the most difficult time with are the unpredicatable ones, where I don't have time to think, and get caught up in my own embarrassment or other emotions. I think I'm better at setting boundaries with her in private versus social settings. Maybe that's where I need to do some planning.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I dunno, CL, your wife seems to me, at least, to be fairly predictable. Do you think it might be reasonable to look at some of the above situations that you struggled with, and have better predicted how she would behave ahead of time?
We learned this in a parenting class once, about how to deal with our kids. The instructor was saying that "If you think about it, I bet most of your kids -- especially the 'problem child' -- behaves in a way that is VERY predictable. You as husband and wife should have a plan ahead of time, that says 'What is (child) likely to do if we do (ex.: assign a chore, enforce a punishment, etc.)?' Have a plan ahead of time of HOW YOU ARE GOING TO RESPOND TO THAT." He suggested that when you and your spouse have your "date nite," that you spend some time planning maybe over a glass of wine of how you're going to deal with the problem child.
Well, I've learned that I can do the same thing in my marriage. My wife (and she says the same thing about me -- in SPADES!) is VERY predictable as to how she is going to behave under stress and in certain situations. I, like you, like to use e-mail, and the written words, b/c I can't always "think on my feet" fast enough and say what I want to say. But if I THINK ABOUT IT AHEAD OF TIME, and PLAN OUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY, AND EVEN MY BODY LANGUAGE AND TONE OF VOICE that I want to use . . .it's very effective.
I dunno, CL, your wife seems to me, at least, to be fairly predictable.
Have a plan ahead of time of HOW YOU ARE GOING TO RESPOND TO THAT."
But if I THINK ABOUT IT AHEAD OF TIME, and PLAN OUT WHAT I WANT TO SAY, AND EVEN MY BODY LANGUAGE AND TONE OF VOICE that I want to use . . .it's very effective.
Food for though, CL.
Starsky
This excellent advice. Your are right in that her behavior is predictable. She acts up in dance situations where she feels insecure--not dancing enough, a dance that didn't go well, doing dances she is still new at. She also likes to pull our dance teachers into her problems, and "tell on me" about how I've "mistreated " her.
I'll need to plan for when she is in a poor mood at the dance venues, or when she makes public comments about me, or complains to the dance teacher. I think the first step is maintaining composure. When I lose my composure, I either want to escape, or get embarrassed, or hold it in and tolerate it, or suffer silently. I think the plan for the dance venue is to have a good time, no matter what kind of mood she's in. I think the plan for her negative comments at the dance studio are to express my disagreement calmly, without arguing, and trying to redirect us back to the dance lesson. I'll keep percolating ideas.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You're obviously very good at planning, CL -- I can see it in how you plan your lessons, your vacations, and stuff for your wife. Put some of that energy into planning your "Anticipated Negative Reactions From My Wife" with her, and how you'd like yourself to handle it.
