Do you see how OM does not chase her and she pursues him? That is why the H needs to back away from his WAW.
When snooping gets to the place it is controlling your life and keeps you upset, then you need to stop. Be careful that you don't accidently let something slip when talking to her that would alert her as to how you got your information.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dammit she talked to a womens advocacy group for 1/2 an hour today. I hope she doesnt try to get a protective order. Its been like 8 days since the incident and we havent so much as argued once.
Been following your posts here and couldn't see the right time to chime in.
Here's the problem. You are uncovering these things that APPEAR to be as if she is having trouble with the OM, but, there are two extremes(well at least 2) to an EA. Not only has she been too happy with him, but in an EA she will also find times to get too MAD at him and SAD towards him as well. When my XW was in the thick of her EA, I think it actually angered me more when she would get MAD at him. So, just because it appears at times "they" are having trouble, that's just it, there's still a "they" with very strong emotions involved. So what I'm really telling you is, don't automatically get your hopes up whenever you uncover something like this...because it's just another emotion she is trying to figure out in her "relationship" with him. Just because they may have a fight, that does not mean you are now the front runner in her eyes.
Back to snooping overall, my therapist actually told me that once I had been snooping for a while, it really was time to stop. Because you know she is up to no good, what more do you really need to know? You are only going to find out more and more things that will anger you and make it very hard for you to overlook, forgive, forget, deal with, etc. I ignored that DB tactic which said to not snoop, and as a result, I found out so many more things that I doubt if I'll ever be able to overlook now when I think about her overall. I may get shellacked on this board for saying this, but you almost have to go on with your everyday life telling yourself, "ok, she's probably going to continue to do things that I will never approve of, and I will probably go to my grave not knowing the full extent of her affairs." You almost have to decide for yourself that you love her enough to let her make those mistakes and set her free to doing so. You are not detaching or setting her, or yourself free by snooping, you are only obsessing more and getting further invested.
I know it's hard not to. I couldn't stop. Finally, I got to a point where I told myself, "I'm not wasting one more second worrying about what she's doing or what she or I think about our relationship, as long as there are three of us instead of two of us. I will better use that time doing ANYTHING else."
You CAN and WILL get to that point, as eventually you just can't take anymore of the obsessing. Try to at least cut back a lot of it, even if you can't stop snooping cold turkey right now. And especially, don't let her find out you know these things...problem is, eventually you may uncover something that makes you so mad you won't be able to hide your knowledge anymore. You could very possibly have all this anger and hurt bottled up inisde you, weeks worth of snooping, that can make for an ugly situation when you finally let the cat out of the bag.
I urge you stop. For you!
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
GKM makes some very good points there. Read them carefully and follow them. You KNOW she is doing things, all that you're verification is doing now is just upsetting yourself.
Next item. Did you press charges on her? If it goes to D, she has those charges to use against you in a custody battle.
@SHocked - No I haven't and I dont intend to my lawyer and 2 cop friends of mine think it'll all get dismissed anyways.
COmpleted most of my goals today. She was pretty negative to me all afternoon. I tried my best to ignore it. Hung out with son for about half an hour and played ball with him. Went to a buddist learning center for a class and that was awesome. I think that going to help me let go of this compulsion.
We had one moment where she was iterested in me. One of my 180s is to discover music and enjoy it. he heard me playing the bravery and she was really suprised and asked me to burn it for her. I'm not going to this time. I've dont it a few times already.
The music thing has really helped me connect to her over the last month. Most of my other 180's and self imporovemnt stuff has only sort of interested her. I'm going to count the music thing as a victory for the day.
I am going to let go of my hope, accept that my intense desire for her to return to me is causing me anguish, and try to continue on with the desire she returns, but with out the hope thats causing me to compulsively check on her for signs and what not. I have to accept the moment.
JS, you've gotten some great advice. I just have a couple of observations. You need to proceed very carefully with the DV charges. Let your L know about the interaction with your W the other night and her talk with the advocacy group. Do not under any circumstances talk to her about it! This is very important. She might be trying to get you to say things on purpose to incriminate yourself. On the surface it already looks pretty bad for you...altercation, cops, you into martial arts, presumption of male guilt in most areas. Be careful.
With regards to the "snooping", if that's why you're doing it, then, yes, you need to stop doing it. However, there is a difference between gathering information and snooping. Gathering information is tactical and used for advantage. If there is new information to be gained, it could be necessary. Just be clear on why your doing it. I gained a lot by tactically gathering information from time to time.
We woke up this morning and it started with her being very angry at me.
She says she talked to a advocacy group yesterday ( which I knew ) and that me taking over the finances was a "Financial Abuse". I tried to reason with her a little bit but she just kept repeating that's "Financial Abuse" like a 5 year old. At that point I just said I am sorry but I don't want to argue with you and stopped engaging.
She then said she wanted it to be like its been before for the past 10 years. I told her that our circumstances are not like they have been for the past ten years anymore.
So now she has it in her head that I am abusing her. I'm not giving her back the bank account though.
Our current arrangement ( set by me): - I pay the bills, shes never told me the schedule though so I am screwed here. - I put money into joint account to take care of groceries, gas, and stuff for her. - I told her after the bills are paid I'll split money with her.
I don't see how she can believe she can tell me she wants a divorce, starts seeing OM, and everything will be the same.
Small victory this morning: Playing music in car from my phone, she asked me again to burn her a cd of it, and then we started to talk about the music that was on. It was pretty positive overall. Once I got out of car though I could tell she was still fuming over cash.
