Help!, back again after 4 years!!!!!

[soleil]

I order for you to work through this, you must become the WAH.

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

[WalkingMan]

DC,

I'm not trying to be negative, just honest. We all have been through this, in fact I said the same things you are. I said the same things you are. Thne truth is that if you are committed to saving your marriage, you need to look at whats working and whats not. Is what you are doing now working?

She must miss and respect you. Is what you are doing accomplishing this?

[PMA_Baby!]

DC - Sorry Bud. I know how you feel. Weve all been there, but someday you will look back and REGRET how you let her treat you. Mark my words!! Once the smoke has cleared you will resent her even more if you dont start standing up for yourself.

Right now you are ENABLING her behavior. Until you stand up for yourself and follow thru with your BOUNDARIES nothing will change. She doesnt RESPECT you. In fact she most likely hates YOU right now. The least you can do is VALIDATE those feelings of hate by ACCEPTING the situation as it REALLY is. ACCEPT her feelings and LET HER GO. This does not mean that someday if YOU feel like it you will DECIDE to take her back. For now the best thing you can do is ACCEPT that your OLD MARRIAGE is OVER and more importantly you WANT somebody that doesnt WANT YOU. Until you realize how devasting this is to your self-esteem you will continue this downward spiral. Until you realize that YOU are more IMPORTANT then HER right now and for your children you will be STUCK.

Today is a new day. Seize the moment to gain back CONTROL of your LIFE. Let her go find what she is looking for or you will never have a shot at any kind of R with her. Most likely once you DETACH and let her go you will get to the point that most of us LBS do and wonder why you even tried fighting for somebody like that in the first place. Then YOU become the WAS and can decide if YOU want somebody like that.

Godspeed. PMA

[DCSUK]

So let me get this right, its over move on,let her go ,get on with my life for me,yes?

So what do i do now, do i push for divorce, sell the family home i'm in, and get on with my life, or do I stay "married" and get on with things??

I don't want a divorce but all the advice is pushing me in that direction, let go, move on?

We have virtually no contact, so i may as well divorce her???

[Starsky309]

While I thank everyone for their posts, I think WalkingMan you are extremely negative.

If what you are saying is right, if your wife leaves there is little chance of her coming back, we all might as well give up?

I don't want to give up, I want to fight for my marriage

DC, I am not as wise as some of the others here, but I would tell you that the answer lies somewhere in this:

There is a difference between "letting go," and "giving up."

Starsky

[PMA_Baby!]

No. What we are saying is. If you love her, let her go... The old saying is true. Because until you do she will hate you for keeping her trapped. Open the door and kick her butt out. Let her find out that the green grasses she seeks are covered in manure.

To answer your question. Yes at this point since it's been 3 plus years I would file and get a custody agreement in place. You need to force your hand to get back the RESPECT. Once the D process starts it can take another year or two. Plenty of time for you to become the new, stronger, confident, not going to take your crap YOU!!

Hold the line. PMA

[Starsky309]

DC,

Check out Atossup's thread for a recent example of how this can work.

Starsky

[DCSUK]

We have not been split up for 3 years, it has only been 3 weeks!!

We have had problems though for about 4months, but I have not been the best husband for 2-3 years really, promotion, stress, drinking, etc

I have had the kids for a night and had the next day off with them, we had a great time, did loads of things together it was excellent!!!
Then about a few hours before I was due to drop them off, my w called to say that she had been in a car crash the night before, her car looked like it was a right off, and that if I could keep them a little later that would help.

I said that I will keep them all night and drop them off in the morning, I then asked what happened, etc, to which she said somebody ran into the back of her, and not to worry, when I asked where it was she said what difference does that make?

I just said fine, and left it.

I really cannot be bothered at all with her, I think there is an OM involved but I have nothing to base that on?
She is just so "closed" to any converstaion that I don't know if she is hiding something or is just closed to me in general.

Anyway took the kids this morning, they are great and really holding up well, but my son who is 11, is hurting, I can see it in his eyes, he is always telling me he loves me, and misses me, but he's trying not to show he is hurting, brave brave boy.

With the time we have been split so short do you still think I should push for D, or wait a few more weeks?

Also how do I tell her, in a text, phone call, in person??

I feel i'm back in limbo land, she has the control, and I don't like it, how do I take it back?

[Starsky309]

We have not been split up for 3 years, it has only been 3 weeks!!

I think that the principles at play in Atossup's sitch work whether it's been 3 years, 3 weeks, 3 days or 3 hours.

They are universal, they are Natural, and they STILL apply even if you don't believe in them.

Sorta like Santa Claus.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Also how do I tell her, in a text, phone call, in person??

I feel i'm back in limbo land, she has the control, and I don't like it, how do I take it back?

Definitely in person, and you do it with a "Robx speech."


He's posted about 200 of them in various places on this forum. They shouldn't be too hard to find.


Starsky