My H had an EA. He never apologised for it and sees as if he did nothing wrong. He even says hurtful stuff about it. He says he has ended the A but I am not sure. His phone and laptop are now off limits and password protected. If I touch them he gets into a rage, and it creates huge fights and problems with us. We have been married for 5 years and have a 1 yr old S. I found out about the A end of September and it had been going on for over a month. They were texting and calling each other saying how much they were both trapped in loveless marriages and how much sex they wanted to have with each other. So many things they said to each other. He spends most of his time on his phone when he is at home....probably smsing...don't know to who. If I ask him if he is talking to the OW he flies into a rage and says I should be able to trust him. I tell him trust is not imposed but earned and he tells me to get over my insecurities and stop being paranoid. If I can't trust him he says we better seperate. He wants me to act as if nothing happened and does not see how he betrrayed me. It hurts. If anything he points out incidents that happened before we were married. And something that happended immediately after we were married...I received a messege from a friend which said 'good night' and no matter my explanations he accuses me of having an affair. Which is not true of course. And now he brings it up and says we are even and the same coz he only did something that I did. He blames me for everything and uses double standards. What applies to me does not have to apply to him and vise versa. Anyway I decided to work on this marriage but what do I get...an unwilling partner. He does not even want to go for counselling or accept were he has erred and how much he has hurt me. If anything he blames for it all and says I should be the one to learn how to treat a husband. He says I do not respect him. (As if he does respect me). Whatever I do is never right and I am being constantly critised for evrything. This last month was not easy with so many things said between us esp from him. I am at my wits end and really thinking of leaving him I have found a place were I can go with my son. All I have to do is to pay my rent and go. If only for a month then I will move back home. But I feel if I do that it gives us time to think things through away from each other. He is always complaining about wanting his space. Maybe I should give it to him. The place I found is only for a month. (As I do not intend to stay there long term....I want to get back home afterwards) I really wanted to make my marriage work but my husband is kind of derailing every effort that I make. Maybe I fuel it by asking him all kinds of questions about his A and our relationship, as well as snooping...something he does not like. But I can't help it I need to know. In the past 2 mths he has opted to sleep on the couch in the lounge rather than our bed, despite me asking him not to. He says that's what he wants to do. I am sure he did or does it, to give him an opportunity to sms his OW. It really hurts me and I do not know what to do anymore. I want my marriage but as it is now I do not think I want it at all. It's too stressful and painful. My counsellor says I should not leave and try to work on things but how do I do that by myself. By staying will I not be smothering us to death. If I do not mention anything to do with our relationship we can talk about everything else....but is it that important. If anything, he tells me that talk about our relationship is stressing him. I try to create an environment were we speak harmoniously but sometimes we end up shouting at each other and we never reach any solutions but blaming esp from him. He never takes any responsibility for his actions and blames for it all. Somebody please help what should I do.
My H had an EA. He never apologised for it and sees as if he did nothing wrong. He even says hurtful stuff about it. He says he has ended the A but I am not sure. His phone and laptop are now off limits and password protected. If I touch them he gets into a rage, and it creates huge fights and problems with us.
Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? They have great advice about how one person can turn a M around. And one of the central themes is working on you. Establishing your goals and following through. I wouldn't move out yet, I think you are making the decision based on emotions and that isn't always the best idea.
If he is hiding things, chances are it is going on. But, it isn't about them, it is about you. Believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. He is putting the blame on you, he can't handle it.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Me moving out would not be permanent. Just maybe for a month, to give us space to think and prioritise our goals. He is always complaining about wanting some space and needing a break from all this. Maybe I should give it to him and be away for maybe just a month. I also believe it will help me in giving me strength to stop pursuing and let him pursue me instead.
It's hard staying under one roof with someone who is so emotionally abusive.
let me get this straight, his phone and laptop are off limits to you, he cheated and he probably continues to talk to her, he flips the script and tells you that you're insecure, he thinks you should be able to trust him, even though his actions show that he can't be trusted?
Is this a pretty good summary?
The next time he's texting, ask for his phone.
tell him "Prove to me that I can trust you, allow me to look at your phone and who you are texting. If you allow me to look at your phone and go through your messages and if you have nothing to hide from me because there shouldn't be secrets in a marriage, then I will trust you but if you can't do this, then I know I can't trust you and I won't be married to someone who is cheating me and we will need to get a divorce. Don't worry about my insecurities, if you are secure in the fact that what you are doing is NOT wrong, you have nothing to hide from me. If you can't show me your phone and computer, then you do have something to hide."
Oh I forgot to mention yesterday i was concerned abt the OW. So I asked him if there was still anything going on he said no - somewhat angrily. And he said he was tired of being asked the same thing over and over. But later he said he was free to talk to whomever he wantedto talk to and I had no say over that. Kind of like he is free to do what he wants whenever he wants to.
Dagny - Thanks for the input. Will look for those books this weekend. Yeah I am learning not to believe what he says but it somehow pierces my heart so much. And it hurts. And he somehow could care less.
Robx. Thanks, in response: 'Is this a pretty good summary' Pretty much so.
'The next time he's texting, ask for his phone.' I have pretty much said the same thing to him, but he tells me to still trust him. I told him that his word has proven to be untrustworthy. And he says by me checking on him he feels like I would be controlling him. I also told him that I will not stay in a marriage where someone is having an EA. (The OW is in a foreign country) But the two seem to have a pretty strong Emotional bond. She is married, with two kids and we are same age. They have never met though but the times he spends on his laptop and on his cell worries me (coupled with the way he hides all his stuff). I still want to work on my marriage though, if it can be salvaged, but right now all my efforts are being ridiculed and he says I am pretending. He says I should learn how to treat him well....I thought I did though of course there is always room for improvement. That is why I was thinking of moving out myself.
Oh I forgot to mention yesterday i was concerned abt the OW. So I asked him if there was still anything going on he said no - somewhat angrily. And he said he was tired of being asked the same thing over and over. But later he said he was free to talk to whomever he wantedto talk to and I had no say over that. Kind of like he is free to do what he wants whenever he wants to.
"I'm tired of asking the same questions over and over again, I would love it if I could get some honest answers and be able to trust you."
"Look <insert husband's name here>, I want you to be happy. If you're not happy with me and our marriage I don't want you to feel like you have to stay. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and lately that's what this feels like. If you really want to be with her, go be with her, you have my blessing. Make a decision by the end of the week and let me know what it is. If you really want to be with her, you are free to leave because I want you to be happy and I want you to be where you want to be. If you want to be with me, then I expect you to start acting like my husband, someone I can love and respect, someone I can trust, someone that doesn't hide secrets from me, someone who is open because that's what I want. If my expectations are really that unreasonable and you won't be happy with me, then you are free to go. I have now given you all the power & control, you make this decision and you have plenty of time to make an easy decision. I can't remain married to you if you continue to act like this."
If he calls your bluff and asks you what you're going to do if he continues to act the way he is right now, you tell him that it means that the marriage is over and you're going to follow up on the legal consultation you've already had with a lawyer and start the process of separation and divorce.
Yes this is hardball, love must be tough.
Your husband doesn't respect you, he has way too much control in this situation, and he thinks he can do whatever he wants without any consequence and it's time for a wake up call.
You can either follow my advice or you can continue doing what you're doing and expect the same results you've achieved thus far.
[quote=WorkingItOutNow]I told him that his word has proven to be untrustworthy. And he says by me checking on him he feels like I would be controlling him. I also told him that I will not stay in a marriage where someone is having an EA.
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And yet, you have.
Your husband is judging you by your ACTIONS, not by your WORDS. He's learned to tune you out, and is not taking your ultimatums seriously.
