You are running away when she's point blank telling you what she wants and needs.
You almost sound like you are trying to punish her for not being where you want her to be RIGHT NOW. I see you not getting your way, so you are giving up.
Why do you spend so much time on these boards? Just for $h!ts and giggles? Or to save yourself and your marriage?
I do not see you getting YOUR desired results/expectations met by physically moving out.
And like fb2 said.....You can change your mind.
Anytime you change your mind because of your self respect and your values you do it from a place of strength. That is a good thing and it's going to be hard for her to not respect that decision.
PH, don't move out. And you mentioned dating? In your sitch, you might as well just light your marriage certificate on fire and file divorce. Based on that email from her, you are obviously doing something that is working...why would you sabotage all your hard work now?
I'm not trying to punish her at all. I have no doubt about that today. And I don't feel like I'm running away. I feel like I'm giving myself the space to continue GAL and working on my issues, while also giving her what she is explicitly saying she needs right now.
I'm on these boards to save my marriage. Plus to heckle John when he makes a pinheaded move.
Part of DBing is trying something, watching the results, and when something isn't working, stop doing it. Then trying something else. I see this as more of that. Staying in the same house isn't working right now. It might work in two months; it might never work. But it isn't working right now. She's feeling more and more pressure by my presence. Feeling more and more expectations from me.
If everyone could have heard her voice on the call this morning, how she sounded when I agreed with her, when I said I had a glimpse of how she's feeling. One conversation can change a lot. I might have undone several weeks worth of damage in that one phone call. And we've both agreed not to date while separated. If I go out, it'll be in groups, just fun, no "dating." Social stuff that I've always felt awkward/shy around.
And I disagree about her email being proof that something is working. I think it proves the exact opposite. Everything I've been doing the last 3-4 has been an abject failure, from a DB standpoint, and from a personal growth standpoint for Pinhead.
You also both agreed to be committed to each other til death do you part when you got married, just because you made an agreement you don't have to believe she will hold true to it.
Sometimes past records are indicative of future performance.
My two cents, never move out when a spouse wants out of the marriage, if she wants out so badly, let her find her own way, all you're doing now is enabling her at your expense, what goal does that serve, what benefit is achieved by this?
You want to GAL, great, do it while living in your own home.
Bro, in my own sitch, my wife asked me to move out and I did it, hoping that she would see how dedicated I was to her and our relationship/marriage - it did not help anything. In fact once I moved out, she became horrible and increasingly disrespectful to me, however she is now, expect her to be several times worse towards you as she gets used to a great life with out you.
When did my situation change? When I moved back home. When I said enough is enough. When I told her that if she wants out of this marriage so much, that she can move out, she can file for divorce and I will sign any divorce or separation document she throws in front of me because I was tired of the whole situation and wanted it to be over soon. I then proceed to box her stuff up, loaded up her van and sent her to live with her parents. I then filed for joint custody of our children and i got it. I then limited my interactions with her, while living in MY OWN HOME with my children. I found my friends again, I got involved in sports, the gym, my work, my children, you name it, I was too busy.
As for her, having to fend for herself and take care of herself without me being there to be her safe cushion to fall on and rely on was the wake up call. She wanted out so badly, I showed her the door literally, I gave up, I assumed it was over, I stopped caring, what finally stuck in my head was that I was putting her on a pedestal, thinking that if I continued to show her I would give her the world if she only gave me a chance that it was the wrong thing to do. You need to let go of someone who doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you, not feed them, clothe them, house them and make agreements not to date others, blah, blah, blah.
You drop the rope, cut the rope, throw the rope out the goddamn window and assume married life is over and move on, that is what works more times than any other method here.
Guaranteed?
No.
But nothing is guaranteed.
Would I employ the same method again instead of wasting time doing other things?
You KNOW it!
Do what works, not what you feel you should do because you think you are listening to her.
You really want to listen to her? "Wife I've listened to you, I'm thinking separation is a good idea and moving apart and living separately is a good idea but I've changed my mind, I like our home, I want you to move out, it seems only fair considering the fact that you've been unhappy and wanted out for so long, I won't hold you back, I'll help you pack and move. I've made up my mind, this is what I want, I want you to leave."
Regardless of her reaction and what she says, she will get it, she will finally see that you understand, not only that, she'll fight moving out more times than not, because in her mind, the idea will be triggered that you've finally realized your personal value, and it's important that this concept is communicated. Right now you're communicating that you have no value and you should be the one to move out and make everyone else happy. Wrong move. You should have the "awakening", you should be the one to realize that you shouldn't move out if you're not the one asking for a divorce and uttering crap like "I can't love you the way a wife should love a husband" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "us getting married wasn't a good decision", etc.
Just because they follow their script, doesn't mean you have to follow their script and listen to what they want you to do. Listen to them by doing what you want to do which includes wanting out of the relationship as well if they want out so badly, you want out even more.
Just my 0.02 cents but I'm telling you, it worked for me and a few others that had the balls to implement a plan that was counter-intuitive and didn't feel like the right thing to do originally, but now looking back, it is something I would recommend to anyone in the same situation.
Those who will say this solution doesn't apply to everyone and you can't assume that "one size fits all", haven't actually tried it and confirmed this.
