I could be wrong, but I can't imagine coddling people, which is what this validation is starting to sound like, is going to have impact Arnie thinks it will... Certainly doesn't help children...
And these are highly destructive adults... Many of them are addicts.. Coddle an addict?
Seriously?
Sorry, I wanted to tag out.. I am still in shock.. maybe some post traumatic stress disorder...
If the person is "unconscious" enough to hurl abuse at their spouse what on earth makes you think that anything that is said will make a dent...?
When it happens and I approach it in the way described in the previous post, it inevitably has a remarkable effect. The one hurling abuse is in pain, and validating them helps bring them into consciousness.
OK, I want to apologize. I should take this more seriously than I have been. I am going over this more carefully now.
My problem is a lot of the posters on this forum are dealing with addicts in affairs...
If validation worked on addicts I think it would be in use now... Because interventions and recovery programs are terribly expensive.
I really am having trouble believing that simply validating someone who is abusing you will turn them around.. simply choosing the right words... will turn an addict around to cooperating.
And no, interventions aren't validation driven, the addict is confronted, lovingly, given an ultimatum, and a choice...
End the addiction, go into recovery now, or you are cut off... zero support anymore...
And many, are brave enough to take the offer...
It's not validation as much as it is just a no nonsense heart to heart with the panic of abandonment thrown in for good measure...
Wise words ABG...I couldn't agree more. Non-violent Communication is a very helpful resource for learning about peaceful communication where the intention is to truly share and not just approach communication as combat.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My understanding is that you validate feelings, not actions or opinions. This is particularly important with women as they process their feelings/thoughts by talking about them. When you validate their feelings, it allows them to process them instead of having to stop and defend them, which reinforces them. Same applies when dealing with children.
How and when you confront their behavior, conclusions, depends on where you/they are in the relationship and your goals.
In other words, "I understand that you were feeling ignored, unloved, etc.," not "No wonder you had an affair, you poor thing." Being able to get past validating feelings in order to deal with actual issues is the tricky part. John Gray suggests that in the ordinary course of a relationship couples should be clear as to whether they are discussing feelings or trying to address issues. I think it gets much more complicated once you reach the point of a WAS.
I'd add that if at any point somebody is hurtling insults at you, that they aren't interested in communicating. They are attacking you. Why in the world would you try to validate that?
It's OK to have even passionate discussions and even validate negative emotions, but you don't validate bad behavior, and that's what name calling is. Once somebody makes it personal and attacks you, communication has already stopped, so don't fool yourself into thinking that walking away isn't appropriate, and if it is continual... something more drastic to end the abuse is needed.
That's just how life is. No magic words are going to make somebody who is being abusive stop being abusive if you've already asked them to stop and they continue, and it's codependent magical thinking to try to find the right combination of words to change somebody else's behavior.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
