Anyone who is criticizing or blaming is unconscious. If they were conscious, they would express what is going on without name-calling or blame.
Originally Posted By: Frank V
If the person is "unconscious" enough to hurl abuse at their spouse what on earth makes you think that anything that is said will make a dent...?
When it happens and I approach it in the way described in the previous post, it inevitably has a remarkable effect. The one hurling abuse is in pain, and validating them helps bring them into consciousness.
Curious - How would you validate someone calling you a idiot?
See below. The 'why' is a better question first.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Why would you?
Good question!
Any one of a number of reasons, including:
This is a person you care about and with whom you have a relationship you wish to continue. This is a person you care about and with whom you have a relationship you wish to continue.
In this moment, they feel they have no other way to express themselves.
You want to communicate to them how you wish to be spoken to, which means that they must be open to hearing you. Since they are unconscious, they are not able to hear you, and anything except validating them will keep them unconscious (and even make them more so).
You want to deepen intimacy and trust so that future conflicts have a better chance of being addressed in a more comfortable and effective manner.
You do not want to criticize or make them wrong, since that will only provoke more defensiveness and be a barrier to an open channel of communication.
Although they may be expressing it in an unacceptable and ineffective way, there is usually an important message that you want to hear and understand. (Which of course doesn't mean you have to agree.)
There's a lot more, and I hope you get the idea.
Originally Posted By: Coach
"Listen to what you are saying? Is that how two adults talk to each other?"
Is that what you mean?
No. This is actually making both wrong, and is calling them childish.
The context of the statement is crucial - what was said or done just before Person A calls Person B an idiot? These statements generally don't just come out of the blue - and even when they do, there is always a precursor to them. That is the key to validating.
Tone of voice and body language is also an important element (since most communication is not in the words but is non-verbal). As a result, I may not be able to convey the full impact in the words alone.
Assuming that Person B has just said something that has triggered Person A into calling them an idiot, possible responses include:
"So you strongly disagree with what you just heard."
"So you are not okay with what was just expressed."
"So you are uncomfortable hearing that."
"So it's hard to hear what was said."
"So you have a different point of view."
"So you would rather something else had been said."
I could go on, and I hope you see where this comes from. It typically takes a few iterations, of course, depending on the depth of the other person's pain. One continues the process until the other person becomes conscious. At which point they are open to hearing a gentle, but firm, limit.
Psychobabble and gobbledegook!
Boorish behavior is boorish behavior, whether it's someone I "care intimately about" or not. In fact, I hold those who I care MOST deeply about to a HIGHER standard than I do the average stranger, and I would not accept an average stranger calling me an idiot.
Oh, of course. They would have to be "unconcious", not literally but spiritually. It's a good thing that we are so much more evolved than they are so that we know that when they call us names, rob our homes, and sometimes rape our children... they are really just in pain, and we are smart enough to validate them.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I can't believe this unconcious argument stuff myself... I just can't buy it at all... Sorry Arnie...
I am not gonna validate anything, i am just gonna walk away from it...
I can't believe the horrible treatment some spouses on this forum get from their wayward mates - spat on, cat sh!t thrown at them, beer poured over thier head, robbed of money, children terrorized, lies, abuse, blame, and betrayal and you are worried about correctly validating them?
I think we are turning the escapists as the victims here and this I think is unfair to the people who are at home tryign to keep the ship afloat... Those are the people I think deserve validation... Not those trashing five, ten, even twenty years of marriage for a quick fix...
I think this "take the time to validate the waywards" stuff is a bit lopsided... My older brother was a drama queen so maybe I am biased... But It's been my experience that just because someone acts out more, blames more, and complains more doens't mean they are hurting any more than the one who's remaining calm and collected...
So why does the ABANDONED spouse have to do all this validation nonsense?
I think you are asking these LBS spouses to do no less than humiliate themselves... And that's not worth any marriage... Not even if she's Uma Thurman! lol
