Always and Forever??????

[glamgirl]

Thank you B or BM for thinking of me. I have found myself in a new realm. My h returned after 3 yrs and 9 months, not that I counted or anything. Ha Ha!

It was an unexpected return and certainly not the fairy tale ending that I would have liked. It was God's love and constant prayers for my h that brought him home.

It was also at a time when I had decided my life was going another direction and I had accepted that he was never going to come home. Funny how that happened! Who knew, drop that rope and he comes home.

If you think the standing is difficult you have no idea how difficult the piecing is. What little did I know. I can very easily see how I could end up with an MLC of my own.

The old M is dead and gone. The new one is a rocky road right now with a ton of wreckage. I am not even sure of my own thoughts and feelings right now, but if there is one thing I did learn, don't make a decision when you are emotional.

So for now, we are moving forward and hopefully on the recovery path to a better and beautiful M. The jury is still OUT! Ha Ha!

I still read now and then, but don't post much since I have my own issues to deal with. Thanks for thinking of me though! I can appreciate the thoughts!

[punkin]

Irish,

Now you're talking. He makes his bed, let him lay in it. You are not required to pull down the covers for him. No leg work on your part. Also, don't be bullied into rushing into anything. Take your time, pick out your lawyer, let him see the papers. In my state, you have to respond within 20 days. I don't know about yours.

Time is on our side. Always has been. We just need the patience to take our time on our decisions.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you B or BM for thinking of me. I have found myself in a new realm. My h returned after 3 yrs and 9 months, not that I counted or anything. Ha Ha!

It was an unexpected return and certainly not the fairy tale ending that I would have liked. It was God's love and constant prayers for my h that brought him home.

It was also at a time when I had decided my life was going another direction and I had accepted that he was never going to come home. Funny how that happened! Who knew, drop that rope and he comes home.

If you think the standing is difficult you have no idea how difficult the piecing is. What little did I know. I can very easily see how I could end up with an MLC of my own.

The old M is dead and gone. The new one is a rocky road right now with a ton of wreckage. I am not even sure of my own thoughts and feelings right now, but if there is one thing I did learn, don't make a decision when you are emotional.

So for now, we are moving forward and hopefully on the recovery path to a better and beautiful M. The jury is still OUT! Ha Ha!

I still read now and then, but don't post much since I have my own issues to deal with. Thanks for thinking of me though! I can appreciate the thoughts!

Glamgirl,

Been there, done that. Try Retrovaille. It does wonders for piecing. Only then did I feel we'd busted it.Seriously.
j-

[irishblessings]

25 -

I think that is AMAZING advice for piecing! I have read quite a bit through the Catholic Church I belong to - wish I had found it earlier.

On another note - I can't thank you enough for taking your time and advising me through this crap time! Even as a highly educated woman - I become a mess thinking of my life moving this new direction. But I know these feelings are temporary.

[irishblessings]

No papers served today. Met with my IC - I hope one day this heavy heart is relieved. Need to have better plans for how to handle low days.

[25yearsmlc]

you're cycling downward again. You have to stop that disordered thought pattern and redirect it. Seriously. You need to go re read the posts that you say helped you. I posted to you on the 20th so please go see that as well as other posts.
You can do this.
Good luck,
J

[irishblessings]

OK 25 - you are right. And I did re-read. I'm really not this much of a slow learner. I have been dark from H since July 30th. No visuals - little to no interaction at all. No stalking...just working, parenting, trying to heal. Yes I do backslide. Not proud of it.

I do feel as if I am navigating in a foreign land. I am extremely self-conscious and nervous about doing or saying something "wrong." I do a lot of things with the kids and with some close friends - I am struggling to define who I am.

If I can ask - how did you overcome your grief?

[ericmsant2]

Irish

Yes I do backslide

We all do...just be gentle on yourself. The peace you seek will come. It already is inside you.

I do feel as if I am navigating in a foreign land. I am extremely self-conscious and nervous about doing or saying something "wrong." I do a lot of things with the kids and with some close friends - I am struggling to define who I am.

Stop worrying about everything you do or say. Just live your life the best way you can.

If I can ask - how did you overcome your grief?

You do NOT overcome it YOU go through it. You feel it. No way around it. Then when you really drop the rope, you will feel a lot better.

Eric

[dl443322]

Sweetie, we all backslide. Dont be too hard on yourself.

And Eric is right, you deal with the grief by going through it.

But you can also find ways to handle the low days. It helps to keep yourself busy, keep your mind, busy. Pray, walk, read, join a group, volunteer, pick another project to do at home.

You have to really try each day to have a positive outlook. Soon, after some time, it becomes reality.

You have so much in your life to be thankful for. Concentrate on those.

It really is a choice. Your choice.

[25yearsmlc]

OK 25 - you are right.

I do feel as if I am navigating in a foreign land. I am extremely self-conscious and nervous about doing or saying something "wrong." I do a lot of things with the kids and with some close friends - I am struggling to define who I am.
When you say you have no contact since July 30, other than the email I assume, who are you afraid of making a mistake in front of whom?

As far as defining who you are. We all have to do that. In your case, I think that means you have defined yourself thru him, I guess. As you train yourself to think of your h being in the Australian bush and not being reachable, OR yourself as a widow who is now on her own, you start to flesh out that image with details. I said it in an earlier post. Fact is, you would NOT shrivel up and die if your h had been killed in an accident. You'd grieve and then at some point, you'd choose to LIVE. That means getting up, out of bed, dusting yourself off and FORCING yourself to do activities that don't "feel right" b/c what "feels right" is curling up in bed with ice cream and crying...and that is NOT "right"...it's just easier in the short run.

If I can ask - how did you overcome your grief?

Sure you can ask. As I said above, what "feels right" won't feel right at first. It's MORE painful to shrivel up and cry, over time, than to face things and move forward. It seems harder to face things but only in the short run because what is harder than being miserable FOREVER? (Nothing).

Your options are Feeling like crap forever, (or backsliding frequently and without end), VERSUS moving through your grief and getting to a happier place.

Ya know, there's a reason that Aristotle said "Happiness is a virtue". It does not just happen. You have to choose it and follow up. But no one else is in charge of your happiness and it was always up to and only YOU.

I suspect your identity was far too connected with how your h felt about you, or acted toward you, than it should have been. In this regard, his leaving is going to help you grow in a good way. Remember that if your h had died and you were eventually happy, it would mean finding out who you are without him. So now you have to do that. NOW. Plus it means you are bringing something to the table. I think most spoues who revolve their lives around their WAS's tend to lose their spoues b/c they don't bring much to the table except a mirror for the wayward spouse. You have qualities unrelated to your h. Show those. Discover them if you don't know what they are and that means exploring new things.

Read above and start getting OUT. The only times I ever "felt" like going out was when I was so tense and obsessive, that I took long walks, (aka "fury marches") with an Ipod that played whatever I needed at the time. If I needed music that was uplifting and reminded me of good times in the past WITHOUT h, or could enable me to imagine good times with another man in the future, I'd listen to that.

I had to imagine myself attractive as well, and I sure did lose weight! OR I'd listen to Marianne Williamson's "The Gift of Change" OR her book on "Handling Anger" and "Return to Love"... or Eckart Tolle's "Power of Now" to calm and reassure me of the big picture. ALso It would get me outdoors in the sun and that ALWAYS helped me feel better. It's physiological. Get outside in the sun. Seriously. Gimmicky and over simplified? No. It helps. So does a new thought pattern and that means getting little "mantras" in your head or your Ipod and lsiten to them. I spoke into my Ipod with some short readings I found and they kept me focussed and stopped me from doing the obsessive stuff.
ALso Williamson's books have forgiveness exercises in them that helped me.
Forgiving means letting go (h doesn' have to know about it b/c it's not about him and I think you get that). I'd be in the shower and turn my marriage or my pain and anger (and grief) over to God b/c it was too heavy for me. If it means you say it out loud (in the shower or where your kids won't hear you) 100 times a day, do it. Saying it out loud has power. You're saying it, and hearing yourself saying it AND it's a prayer and there is power in prayer. IMO.

As for getting out and doing things, I NEVER ONCE "felt" like doing them. But I never once regretted it once I got out there. Starting an acting class up again
also helped me a lot as it was a safe place to channel emotions. I auditioned and got a role, and started renewing my interest in theater. All that helped.

I used the "Stop Sign" image to keep me from going down the road of catastophizing. I see you going down that road a lot. I see LBS Women doing it a lot with the whole "I'll die alone and fat and homeless..." but it's not real data! (And to me, LBS men seem to focus on their WAWs as having great sex all the time, with the OM merely touching their hands to achieve wildly satisfying sex.) It's not real data.

Re-read the whole "gratitude for being a woman today, here, with healthy children who love you". And your 180's? See, the program works IF you work the program. But you have to work it. You won't "snap out of it" without DOING something. So start now. HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE and you must teach your children that and you do that, by doing that. I sometimes used the "Fake it til you make it" approach, which also helped me.
Hope this helps.