Curious - How would you validate someone calling you a idiot?
See below. The 'why' is a better question first.
Originally Posted By: Coach
Why would you?
Good question!
Any one of a number of reasons, including:
This is a person you care about and with whom you have a relationship you wish to continue. This is a person you care about and with whom you have a relationship you wish to continue.
In this moment, they feel they have no other way to express themselves.
You want to communicate to them how you wish to be spoken to, which means that they must be open to hearing you. Since they are unconscious, they are not able to hear you, and anything except validating them will keep them unconscious (and even make them more so).
You want to deepen intimacy and trust so that future conflicts have a better chance of being addressed in a more comfortable and effective manner.
You do not want to criticize or make them wrong, since that will only provoke more defensiveness and be a barrier to an open channel of communication.
Although they may be expressing it in an unacceptable and ineffective way, there is usually an important message that you want to hear and understand. (Which of course doesn't mean you have to agree.)
There's a lot more, and I hope you get the idea.
Originally Posted By: Coach
"Listen to what you are saying? Is that how two adults talk to each other?"
Is that what you mean?
No. This is actually making both wrong, and is calling them childish.
The context of the statement is crucial - what was said or done just before Person A calls Person B an idiot? These statements generally don't just come out of the blue - and even when they do, there is always a precursor to them. That is the key to validating.
Tone of voice and body language is also an important element (since most communication is not in the words but is non-verbal). As a result, I may not be able to convey the full impact in the words alone.
Assuming that Person B has just said something that has triggered Person A into calling them an idiot, possible responses include:
"So you strongly disagree with what you just heard."
"So you are not okay with what was just expressed."
"So you are uncomfortable hearing that."
"So it's hard to hear what was said."
"So you have a different point of view."
"So you would rather something else had been said."
I could go on, and I hope you see where this comes from. It typically takes a few iterations, of course, depending on the depth of the other person's pain. One continues the process until the other person becomes conscious. At which point they are open to hearing a gentle, but firm, limit.
Psychobabble and gobbledegook!
Boorish behavior is boorish behavior, whether it's someone I "care intimately about" or not. In fact, I hold those who I care MOST deeply about to a HIGHER standard than I do the average stranger, and I would not accept an average stranger calling me an idiot.
