You detach from his pendelum swinging, and detach from your over-analyzing him and his reasonings.
I honestly believe that if you can succeed better at these two things, it will matter less what he is saying and doing that chips away at your self-confidence and happiness...and you will find that you feel less like relying on him and whatever he might be saying/doing. This is a very long, long process. You will drive yourself nuts trying to dissect it all.
The one question you could ask yourself is if this is the type of person he has always been, can you or would you want to stand and wait to see if there will be a change? From what you've said of your positive past together, he sounds like he was once quite a great partner...if not perfect (none of them are, and neither are we) Do you love him unconditionally enough to wait and see if he ends up being a more the type of person you'd want to share your life with in the future...not now, but in the future? Also...can you live your life without incessantly bringing up the past, no matter how much you were hurt (he already knows he hurt you) He might not express himself well, but he's dealing with the guilt and shame..whether it seems like it or not.
My xh , in hindsight, was more than I could have asked for in so many way, but was never what I thought he was in other ways. Hurts through the years...you bet. And once you truly forgive them, and they repeat the bad behavior, it seems like you'll never be able to trust them again...and would you be willing to try? I took alot for granted over the years, but I was also wearing rose-colored glasses in other areas of the relationship.
A crisis truly opens your eyes about the marriage...and even more, about yourself. You need to start there. And perhaps a good start would be to quit getting so many opinions from friends, family, co-workers, coaches, etc. At some point, it's all going to come down to YOU..not them. They can't help you make the decision, and you are the only one that will have to live with whatever decision you make. Only you...not them. Remember that. Sometimes the best way, is the silent way. You know what I mean?
My H was the same way...was ok at first listening to my hurts, etc...but after awhile he warned me it was wearing on him (which pissed me off even more). I wish I would have listened to him. He did not deserve the ear chewing he received, and did damage a fragile relationship at the time even more. Please don't keep bringing up the negatives...for your sake and his. They will keep him away, and they will make you bitter, and eat you from the inside out.
Our divorce happened at the 'empty nest' stage too. It's been horrible dealing with alot of different changes in my life. It's not the life I envisioned at all. I've lost alot. An intact family, a home, a partner to share these years with. But I've learned alot about myself, I've survived many years now on my own, and I've learned I still don't hate him, and really, now, feel very little anger towards him. It was 4 years ago, last month, since the divorce. No contact, but he has gotten better with our adult sons and his relationship with them, which is a positive. He doesn't get very involved with them, but I guess it's a start.
I guess what I'm saying is there is much to be learned, and alot to work on. It doesn't matter if you have the 'right' to be angry and have a chip on your shoulder. He!! we all feel that way at some point. It's all about getting past that point, to see where we are, and where we want to be. Whether the spouse ever wants to be part of that, to any degree, will be up to them, not to us. We'll have to make the same decision about them, and they'll have to deal with that too in time if they want to reconcile.
Learning to be 'friends' with him again is not a bad start. And you can still do that while being detached. No expectations, no comparing, no bringing up history, just light good natured fun in safe settings to start. Can you do this? Is he the type of person you'd want as a friend right now. And if you're not sure, then that tells you not to push him about being a 'partner' again.
Sorry I got so long-winded. I just wish I could stress to you to let go. I feel so much pain in your post.. The sooner you can let go of what you're feeling, and expecting things from him that he's not able to provide right now ( or maybe never) the sooner you'll find yourself again. You'll be happier, and it will bug the he!! out of him wondering how you're doing so well on your own. Don't date others to try to ease the hurt, or to 'show him'. If he still owns an important part of your heart, don't try to give it to anyone else. That's not fair to anyone.
I'm off my soapbox now. Again, my apology for my fingers diarrhea.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
