I can't do this alone

[Dagny-2]

When the boards went down I was in a middle of a crisis (and sadly I don't remember which one), but I made it through, though I have found myself retreating into myself. At some points I had previously thought that I spent too much time on the boards, but after almost a month off, I have found that these boards keep me focused on moving forward (with some steps backwards), but there is a sense of accountability here that doesn't exist to the same degree in the real world.

Brief Summary: Sadly I am listed as a success story on one of the threads, 9 years ago my H moved out and we were separated for a period of time, I worked hard on myself and H “came to his senses”. He had done IC and then invited me along and we did some MC. We had a happy marriage (so I thought) until the day of bomb #2. H was offered a job 1000 miles away, we decided to take it and I stayed behind to sell our home and help the boys finish the school year. We then moved down and I was told that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Little by little the full story came out that he is in love and has asked someone else to marry him. He moved out and the kids and I live in our home. As time progresses, I don’t know if I want him back. Last time he wasn’t in a PA (EA, yes), it is different this time. I have not closed the door on that possibility, but I don’t have that desperate need to have him back that I did a few months ago. So I struggle, do I belong here? If I’m not trying to actively save my marriage, is this the place for me? But I think the DB principals save ourselves and can keep the door open and I know I’m not doing so well without DB, so if you will have me, I will stay.

I am fearful of many things: financials, loneliness, raising children on my own, becoming bitter, battling through the divorce (I am horrible at conflict – I usually turn to mush) the list seems to keep growing. But I do know I can do this, it just sucks at the moment. I want to re-read my last thread and take notes of the pertinent points, because I know there was some excellent advice. I need to GAL, this moping around the house has to stop. I need to pull out my DB book from under the pajamas and read it, somewhere I even have a list of 180s that I should start reading and doing.

Thanks, my cyber-friends, for helping me get through this.