SHould I say I love you?

[Grocerykartman]

JS,

Been following your posts here and couldn't see the right time to chime in.

Here's the problem. You are uncovering these things that APPEAR to be as if she is having trouble with the OM, but, there are two extremes(well at least 2) to an EA. Not only has she been too happy with him, but in an EA she will also find times to get too MAD at him and SAD towards him as well. When my XW was in the thick of her EA, I think it actually angered me more when she would get MAD at him. So, just because it appears at times "they" are having trouble, that's just it, there's still a "they" with very strong emotions involved. So what I'm really telling you is, don't automatically get your hopes up whenever you uncover something like this...because it's just another emotion she is trying to figure out in her "relationship" with him. Just because they may have a fight, that does not mean you are now the front runner in her eyes.

Back to snooping overall, my therapist actually told me that once I had been snooping for a while, it really was time to stop. Because you know she is up to no good, what more do you really need to know? You are only going to find out more and more things that will anger you and make it very hard for you to overlook, forgive, forget, deal with, etc. I ignored that DB tactic which said to not snoop, and as a result, I found out so many more things that I doubt if I'll ever be able to overlook now when I think about her overall. I may get shellacked on this board for saying this, but you almost have to go on with your everyday life telling yourself, "ok, she's probably going to continue to do things that I will never approve of, and I will probably go to my grave not knowing the full extent of her affairs." You almost have to decide for yourself that you love her enough to let her make those mistakes and set her free to doing so. You are not detaching or setting her, or yourself free by snooping, you are only obsessing more and getting further invested.

I know it's hard not to. I couldn't stop. Finally, I got to a point where I told myself, "I'm not wasting one more second worrying about what she's doing or what she or I think about our relationship, as long as there are three of us instead of two of us. I will better use that time doing ANYTHING else."

You CAN and WILL get to that point, as eventually you just can't take anymore of the obsessing. Try to at least cut back a lot of it, even if you can't stop snooping cold turkey right now. And especially, don't let her find out you know these things...problem is, eventually you may uncover something that makes you so mad you won't be able to hide your knowledge anymore. You could very possibly have all this anger and hurt bottled up inisde you, weeks worth of snooping, that can make for an ugly situation when you finally let the cat out of the bag.

I urge you stop. For you!