Ok Eric Here goes...and thanks for getting back to me.
First, did you read my WHOLE story? I have a link on another thread about contradictions and my first posting was in Infidelity. This way you would get my background.
I am constantly introspecting and reflecting, always listening what others have to say. Mind you, everyone has an opinion or perception. I will say this, the professionals over the years and currently, said to me that H wasn’t willing to compromise, acted stubborn, never wanted to “ be in my shoes and think how I feel” , it was all about him.
The impression that I get from many of you on this forum is that the person in MLC is exonerated for their actions because of something that happened to them in their childhood or from an negative experience. I am not sure if that describes my H, a lot of his behavior is his personality but it has gotten worse AND I am not sure I agree with that. I had an alcoholic mother and maybe that is why I feel insecure at times since his affair and why I became a little needy. Although I can’t complain about my life, it would have been nice to have a mom to talk to when I needed her the most. My H was my refuge back then. H was always my best friend. So I wasn’t losing my husband, I was losing my best friend.
I realize how what I said over the years could have hurt him BUT he did a lot of hurtful things ever since we have been together and I mean major issues. Neither one of us was perfect. We have both agreed to that. He has said many times over the past 30 years, “ we are basically good people but we are not good for each other.”
Yes, I was telling him after each incident how upset I was. What, I wasn't supposed to ????
Over the past 20 years, I have had 2 of his female coworkers tell me to my face how they would treat my H if they had him, that I don't treat him right, I don't appreciate him. Funny, none of my female friends ever had this happen to them. I have had it twice. H was getting quite chummy with these women. When I mentioned what they said to me, he got angry with me and stopped talking to me for a week. The last time it happened, it was at a Christmas party in a fancy place in NYC. He got so hammered, he walked out of the place without me. His co-workers had to go after him. As we walked to the train station, he walked a block ahead of me.
July 1st he apologized about his affair but hadn't broken up with her. Said he wanted to reconcile. From all the books I read, including Michelle's DR, I told him what I expected. He was very reluctant not to have contact with OW. He didn't want to share with me where he was going, didn't want me to see his cell phone. How was I supposed to trust him again ????
His complaints about me were: my temper, arguing and bringing up old hurts. I realize I shouldn't do this anymore. I have been working on these negative aspects.
During the summer when he said he wanted to come back to me but take it slow, I felt like a car being taken for a test drive. “ Let’s take it slow so I can see how it goes.”
He never made plans with me but was making plans with his friends. Meanwhile he told me that he doesn’t make plans, he lives day to day.
I will admit, H has many good qualities. He is an excellent father and always helped me with raising our sons, helped with chores around the house. He was helpful to neighbors, family, friends and strangers. We always shared the same values on different issues. We were never jealous of one another. We each had our time with going out with friends, called each other when we were going to be late. When he traveled for business esp. out of the country, he called me every morning and every night. This dramatically changed since June 2009. He complained about having to call me, email me yet he was the one to set this precedent over the years. Now it was a problem. I didn’t change, he did and now it is my fault.
I guess neither one of us accepted each other for our negatives. We did love conditionally. I found a great article about that.
I always complimented him on so many things but all I ever heard was how pretty I was.
Over time I realized it just wasn’t his character to be the kind of guy who was going to dance with me, throw me a surprise party, plan a vacation or make a date. I did all that.
Yes, I do love my husband enough to let him go. He has been gone since March 20th. BUT that was because of this drinking and my car insurance company said if I wanted my own policy, someone had to move out. I never told them about his drinking.
I suggest you read all my threads. I feel like I keep repeating myself about reading up on MLC, detachment, etc.
How long am I willing to wait? Good question. This has been going on before he moved out. There are days when I have said I would wait, but then again, there are days when I say I won’t. At this moment, I am taking one day at a time. Patience was not in my vocabulary but now it is.
What do you think he is telling YOU with these statements? Can you see how your insistence on getting what YOU want when YOU want it may have pushed him away? YES, I do and I have been trying to work on that. But when is he going to work on himself ?
Can you live with being just his friend for a period of time? And I mean Friend…not your H acting as a friend. I mean friend. Good question, I thought I could but it is difficult. How do you go from being lovers for 34 years, being married for 30 and then just be friend with no commitments? You tell me.
We both wanted to grow old together. Not all our dreams were the same but we got along or so I thought. He never communicated.
Right now, I just want someone to be honest and loyal and make me feel like I am number one, a priority. I realize that many of my female friends, their husbands don’t make them feel that they are number 1. Isn’t that the complaint from most women? I guess if I saw that he was loyal & honest with me and just wanted to be with me after having his single life, I could forgo being a priority. I just didn’t see any real effort on his part and neither did the life coach and our sons, family and friends ( male and female).
When he was with the OW, I asked him a few times, who had more priority, me or her? He never could answer. OUCH!!!
I will admit, my emotions are all over the place. I am trying to figure it all out. My H was not into commitments from the beginning. He asked me to marry him in August of ’90 and by November we were married. I was afraid he would change his mind.
I love him but I know what I want out of a marriage. He said he can’t give me that.
I tried to take into account my husbands history, his childhood and the dynamics of his family so I could better understand him.
He was sick once back in May. He was with the OW but he lived by me. He only had a stomach bug. I had just read somewhere that I should be the best person I could be to show my H that I was a good person thus I took care of him.
June came and he shared with me that he wanted to come back but I would have to wait for him because he had to take the OW for a medical procedure. WOW!!! That hurt. Yes, it was nice he wanted to do that for her BUT do you know how my surgeries / medical procedures I had where he didn’t take me because he wasn’t speaking to me. Or He took me but never spoke to me since he was angry at me.
One time he didn’t speak to me for a month because I allowed my sons to get 2 kittens. He said, “ you didn’t ask my permission.” I didn’t know he was my superior. I tried to treat him as my equal.
Chip on my shoulder??? I never thought so but if you think I do, maybe you can understand why. Doesn’t everyone who’s spouse cheated on them ?
My life coach, therapist and psych MD said, “ no one put a gun to his head to cheat on you.” This is the man who preached his whole life how he hated anyone who cheated on their spouse. “ If you are that unhappy, tell your spouse but never cheat.” In his mind, he thinks he told me he was unhappy. He would say, “ I can’t take it anymore; all the negatives.” Then he would storm out of the house.
Of course I would want him to come back because he wants to be with me thru good times and bad.
I wanted both of us to go to counseling. He quit after the life coach told him he would eventually start having to move back home. H only went twice and by himself. We never got a chance to go together. He was lying, making up stories to the life coach. We saw right thru him.
I am very torn. I will admit. I love him but am I ready to give up and say “uncle” when he hasn’t done anything to prove to me that he wants me back and work on us.
We both brought this marriage to its current state of ugliness and sadness. The two of us should be working on it, not just me.
I have spent thousands of dollars on books, life coach, therapist, psych MD, meds, and private investigator. Most of my savings is depleted.
So if I seem to still have some resentment, yeah, I will admit it. We have an empty nest. The mortgage will be paid off in less than 3 years. Combined we make a good salary and I was hoping to travel especially since our oldest son lives in England. My lifestyle has changed dramatically, no less the hurt he has caused. I lost 17 lbs., I am on meds because I was headed for a nervous breakdown. He had a girlfriend for a long time and lied about it. He claimed over the years he lost his sex drive. HA!! He wasn’t smart, he had sex without protection.
I am trying to be strong and be happy and positive. My friends and family have seen the change. Heck, even H said he saw the change, up to a point. I am still entitled to my meltdowns according to all books about infidelity. This will be a long recovery for me. It doesn’t help that he ran out on me again when back on July 1, 2010 he said, “ I will never leave, I am here for you.” “ Even if the road gets tough ?” “ Yes, even if the road gets tough.” That didn’t last long.
He keeps saying to me, “ I wish you would date so you could see I am not that bad.” I will admit, I had a date. I am not ready for dating. I had to laugh, this guy was acting all romantic. This what I wanted but this guy seemed so fake plus he came on too strong. H knows that whole story. I have told my H about everything in my life. I had no secrets.
So in conclusion, needy, a chip on my shoulder, feeling insecure. Aren’t we all like that after what has happened to us?
My friends who have been down this road said it takes a year before I will start to get better and not feel this way anymore. Too bad H doesn’t understand that. I am supposed to understand him but not the other way around. I thought marriage is about compromise.
