Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

W went to visit family with our youngest D while I was camping with my 2 older D's. Camping trip was a blast all around. Fun time with girls, fun time with other dads.

Horrible day of return.

When got back, W and I got in a fight while in car driving somewhere. We both lost our cool, and it escalated to the point where I said I wanted a divorce (this hasn't happened in forever). W got upset. I said, look, don't you want it, you're not wanting to work on anything let's move on with our lives. After some anger, W shook her head no and said, I had taken time and fixed myself, that I was ok now, that I was being selfish in wanting her back now, wanting things my way on my schedule, and not giving HER the time to fix HERself. That she was still broken and a mess and didn't trust anyone.

I dropped her off. Called her about an hour later after I had cooled off, apologized for blowing up at her, and asked her to talk to me about what she was feeling/thinking. She talked about lots of things she had not liked about our past relationship. Ways she had felt inferior, unappreciated, not smart, controlled, nothing she ever did was good enough, subordinate role. I validated, told her how I really felt about her and had failed to communicate it to her before. Told her I can imagine how bad it felt for her. Told her I also hated the way our relationship had been. We talked for about 30 minutes or so, much of it her talking about things she hadn't liked and her uncertainties, and ways she still felt 'broken' (no trust for anyone).

I wrote her an email the next morning thanking her for opening up and sharing to me, that I imagined it had been hard for her. I told her that I was taking my ring off as a rejection of our past marriage/relationship. That I considered that over, never wanted to go back to that, and didnt want her to think I wanted her to go back to that. Told her I hoped she could heal and move on someday. That I only wanted happiness and the best for her, whatever that was.

She called me later that morning asking me something about D5, then told me got the letter and thanked me for it. She called me 3x yesterday about various family-related things (if we were going to a costume-bingo at the school, if I was coming to carve pumpkins at her place on halloween) and then chatted for 15-20 min when she got home about misc stuff.

Not really sure what to make of it all. I need to do a lot better job controlling my emotions than I did that night. I guess it is good that she sees me as 'fixed,' but very sad that she still feels as broken as she does. I clearly need to back off any semblance of pressure or pursuit. I hope that my taking my ring off and letting her know I just want her to be happy, however that is, makes her feel free to move forward one way or another.