"W, I really am sorry you feel that way, it sounds awful, like no fun at all. However, I can't have you talk to me the way you are talking to me. And I am going to the next room to watch D5 dance now. I would be happy to TALK later with you about what's bothering you if you like."
Nicely done. The results were perfect.
Originally Posted By: bustorama
I think I am getting what you are suggesting? Given that I have clearly apologized, and she knows I am remorseful, I can VALIDATE and and continue to behave well, but if I apologize every single time she brings it up that I am relieving her of her role and responsibility to confront/process her own feelings? Is that part of your point?
Yes
Are you relieving her when you are apologizing? Not really. She's going to feel whatever and whenever she wants. Your actions are the only thing that will really show her you are sincere anyway. She has a decision to make as to whether she can trust you. You made the decision she CAN trust you by how you are working on yourself to be the best Busto ever. Does saying sorry over and over seem necessary to you?
You're doing a good job. Keep doing what is working.
Her feelings of anger will bubble to the surface unexpectedly. Lead her in dealing with them by being calm, listening, but just like you did at soccer, not putting up with CB. Be the rock.
Expect her to pullback like she has in the past when the idea of reconciling came up. Remember the squirrel analogy. She's scared sh#tless right now.
Keep doing what you've been doing to make your life better. Keep being a great father to your kids; that's obviously very attractive to her.
Fun morning and lunch with D's and W (swimming lessons, then went to restaurant/bar to watch football game). At restaurant, W shared more stuff about the psychic she had seen and her feelings about the whole thing. I listened and asked her more things about it -- interested and thanked her for sharing it all with me. She said the psychic did readings about the past, present and future and the first time she had seen her the psychic told her there had been a brunette haired girl between me and my W in the past. My W told me to her this meant my stepdaughter, and then my W said that this was something from the PAST (meaning I guess she doesn't feel that way anymore?). This had definitely been an issue between us. I will keep listening to her and things the psychic said that resonate with her, because they seem to be meaningful. She showed me some more funny facebook videos. We actually spent almost no time watching the game and just the two of us talking and laughing with kids coloring next to us.
After lunch, went to bar and watched football games with friend. Got propositioned by barfly girls to have a 4-some with opening line of, "Do you guys like to eat pu$$y." WTF, is that how singles talk/flirt??? REALLY, WTF?!??!?! Scene devolved into theater of the absurd, but managed to avoid getting myself into trouble.
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Don't tell her how she feels. For all you know, I know, and the rest of the community here knows... she could be doing it because she's just flat pissed off. Mind Reading.
I don't know about the "How can I help you heal and move forward part". It sounds too much like a FIXER.
If I was in your shoes without any particular attack coming my way, I'd probably say "Is there anything you want from me to help you figure this out or do you just want me to listen?"
Idk, if I'm right or wrong on that one...maybe an expert could enlighten us. Without being LIVE on the scene, it's really impossible to know what to say at that moment. Active listening. If you are coming from the confident Busto, you will do it well however you choose. Just don't tell her what she feels even if thats what you are discerning from what she says.
Not much going on. Went spinning this AM. Hope to find time to lift later today. This evening going on planning meeting for wknd camping trip with D5 and D9.
W called me last night asking me to come over and check out the Halloween decorations she got with the girls over the weekend. I go over, and she'd just made dinner so we all sit down and eat together. After dinner, I do an arts and craft project of a haunted house with D2. W seems to love it and gets camera and takes picture. I think it's the first picture she's taken with me in it in quite awhile. D2 and I had alot of fun doing it.
At some point I tell W she looks super cute in her sweater dress. She says thanks, but she feels gross and bloated and fat. I also tell her later she did an awesome job picking out Halloween decs and the place looks great, that she's always been awesome making things festive and fun. I used to not give enough words of affimation and appreciation so something I've been working on.
W shares more stuff with me about work and the psychic. I listen and share back. She also told me she told her BFF at work that she had told me about the psychic. Her BFF said NO WAY! And I asked why she said that she thought? And she said because BFF would never tell her husband because she'd be afraid of how he'd react or what he would think. W said she told BFF that I was real interested in it and asking questions. I guess this is good because W in some way was comparing me to her BFF's husband (still seeing me as husband in some way) and because W realized I was interested and she could share with me.
W tells me her other friend wondered if I had talked to friend's H about friend and H's marital issues. I told her I had hung out with friend over wknd. W told me she told her friend that I would tell things to H as it was and not pussyfoot around with him -- set him straight, and gave friend the example of another H I recently did same with. W also told her friend that even if friend's H told me something that I would not tell anyone else about it, because that's not how I was. So, I guess W still sees some integrity in me.
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Not much up. Had D's last night and this AM. They were super cute. D5 is getting better and better at reading. Fun to see, especially her feelings of pride.
Had contractor over on Monday to make some bids to work on house.
Caught up on bills, laundry and dishes last night after camping planning meeting. Usual work today. Ran with running group tonight. Met a couple of new people and improved my 5-mile time. We ran by bay -- killer sunset! Did some e-fundraising for my charity for the half marathon. College buddy of mine called to say that he's moving into town next week, so will be great to hang out with him again. Nothing R-wise. W called a couple of times but I didn't answer, and she left no msg.
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YES (with certain commitments from her -- attending retro, agreeing to regular date nights, attending MC on affair recovery, etc.)
Well I want to be married to my wife but only if she wears lingerie 24/7 and gets rug burns every night. And we live in a chocolate castle with ponys.
Yes or no?
For you? If she was sincere? If she is sincere then most of those things you want will likely happen.
Cause the other one, where you say, "I'm not sure." Only say that if YOU aren't sure. But if you AREN'T sure that means some of you is, and some of you isn't.
Do not say it as a trick.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
W went to visit family with our youngest D while I was camping with my 2 older D's. Camping trip was a blast all around. Fun time with girls, fun time with other dads.
Horrible day of return.
When got back, W and I got in a fight while in car driving somewhere. We both lost our cool, and it escalated to the point where I said I wanted a divorce (this hasn't happened in forever). W got upset. I said, look, don't you want it, you're not wanting to work on anything let's move on with our lives. After some anger, W shook her head no and said, I had taken time and fixed myself, that I was ok now, that I was being selfish in wanting her back now, wanting things my way on my schedule, and not giving HER the time to fix HERself. That she was still broken and a mess and didn't trust anyone.
I dropped her off. Called her about an hour later after I had cooled off, apologized for blowing up at her, and asked her to talk to me about what she was feeling/thinking. She talked about lots of things she had not liked about our past relationship. Ways she had felt inferior, unappreciated, not smart, controlled, nothing she ever did was good enough, subordinate role. I validated, told her how I really felt about her and had failed to communicate it to her before. Told her I can imagine how bad it felt for her. Told her I also hated the way our relationship had been. We talked for about 30 minutes or so, much of it her talking about things she hadn't liked and her uncertainties, and ways she still felt 'broken' (no trust for anyone).
I wrote her an email the next morning thanking her for opening up and sharing to me, that I imagined it had been hard for her. I told her that I was taking my ring off as a rejection of our past marriage/relationship. That I considered that over, never wanted to go back to that, and didnt want her to think I wanted her to go back to that. Told her I hoped she could heal and move on someday. That I only wanted happiness and the best for her, whatever that was.
She called me later that morning asking me something about D5, then told me got the letter and thanked me for it. She called me 3x yesterday about various family-related things (if we were going to a costume-bingo at the school, if I was coming to carve pumpkins at her place on halloween) and then chatted for 15-20 min when she got home about misc stuff.
Not really sure what to make of it all. I need to do a lot better job controlling my emotions than I did that night. I guess it is good that she sees me as 'fixed,' but very sad that she still feels as broken as she does. I clearly need to back off any semblance of pressure or pursuit. I hope that my taking my ring off and letting her know I just want her to be happy, however that is, makes her feel free to move forward one way or another.
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