Do you feel like you are making progress saying "wife" out in public?
The progress that is being made is being seen in public as a couple on a regular basis. Some people know we're married; many don't know what our status is. Some people know that we travel together. I've had comments or questions by certain people who are noticing that we are acting like a couple again.
Thank goodness my W found a job. The financial stress, and lack of activity during the day were taking a toll on her. I think I handled her umemployment well this time--I kept her busy with exercise classes, swimming, dancing, dance lessons, and agreed to go to a dance convention to perform, and to Puerto Rico. I didn't nag her about finding a job and let her go at her own pace, even though I would have approached the situation differently, and with more self-initiative.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I kept her busy with exercise classes, swimming, dancing, dance lessons
Bad, not so bad that you did it per-se but these are her issues. Some how she acts up and either she puts this stuff on you, or you take it upon yourself to deal with it for her (with good intention to be sure). The fact that you do it though, conditions her that you solve her problems. It is a recurring theme that your problems are your problems to solve and her problems are your problems to solve.
She is a grown up and needs to deal with this stuff. For it to be on your shoulders does not help her to mature or make your relationship healthy. To much egg shelling.
Quote:
I didn't nag her about finding a job
This is good I think. Though if you read the paragraphs above, it takes a heck of a lot of nerve for her to treat the guy who is paying her way, the way she does.
Boundaries in Marriage is a good thread title, you are baby stepping in the right direction, but you still need more of them.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Some how she acts up and either she puts this stuff on you, or you take it upon yourself to deal with it for her (with good intention to be sure). The fact that you do it though, conditions her that you solve her problems. It is a recurring theme that your problems are your problems to solve and her problems are your problems to solve.
Saying I kept her busy is probably not an accurate way of describing things, because she wants to do all these activities. She's not good at self-initiative, and prefers to have a partner. I'm a willing partner who would do these activities anyway.
Your point is well taken, and I think your description of the R dynamics is accurate. I do get pulled into trying to influence her to getting committed to fixing her problems (smoking, exercise, job-hunting). I did make the choice of not doing her job hunting for her, and let her suffer the consequences of being unemployed for four months. I think partnering with her for dance lessons and outings, and exercise classes is fine and helpful. I think I'll back off on trying to get her to attend the smoking cessation class at our fitness center. I sent her an email reminder, and haven't heard from her. The other thing I'm better at is not being negative with her because she has these issues. I'm better able to hold onto my positives better, and am not as influenced by her negatives.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm looking forward to her working again next week. She is so eager for stimulation and companionship when I get home. I have little latitiude to take a breather, and she gets upset with me if I'm less than the perfect companion.
It continues to be an adjustment taking her to my weeknight ballroom venue. I made a point of dancing with her often and early, so I could later be free to network. It worked until the end of the evening, when she wanted to perform our choreography on the social dance floor. I wasn't used to doing it as a social dance and got lost, and stopped. She walked off the dance floor, and complained about it all the way home, as if I did it to humiliate her. She isn't patient with me sometimes, or empathetic.
It's frustrating because I want my evenings to be a respite from the day, but I keep "stepping on land mines" around her. Love will allow me to relax and accept her imperfections, and boundaries will remind me to accept what is mine and let the rest go.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I wasn't used to doing it as a social dance and got lost, and stopped. She walked off the dance floor, and complained about it all the way home, as if I did it to humiliate her. She isn't patient with me sometimes, or empathetic.
I'll need to think about if there is something I need to communicate or do to help move us forward as dance partners in new dance settings (we seem fine in the Salsa community where she has a network). The problem is in settings where I have a network and she doesn't. She says that I'm having more fun dancing with other woman. Is this my problem or hers?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Love will also help me to let go of frustration and my own self-centeredness, and help me to slow down and not speak with my W about these conflicts until I'm able to do so constructively. In the meantime, until I get constructive feedback from her, I can only do what I did last night--give her a good number of dances to keep her busy, until she builds her own network. Most of our dances are fine, and it's rare for us to have to abort a dance. I don't want to stop going to my ballroom venue because of her poor behavior.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I wasn't used to doing it as a social dance and got lost, and stopped. She walked off the dance floor, and complained about it all the way home, as if I did it to humiliate her. She isn't patient with me sometimes, or empathetic.
So how did you handle that?
Starsky
Looks like I'm talking to myself, so I will bid you adieu and good luck, CL. You seem to not welcome posts from people who don't validate your existing point-of-view, and I don't want to make myself a nuisance.
