It was about drinking. She has been very good in a past few months and I totally screwed up my delivery. She went to a whole day golf outing about hour drive away from home.
She told me in the morning that she may crash at the hotel nearby instead of driving back home. I told her that it's a good idea to be safe.
For some reason it urked me later. When she texted later last night to confirm that she was not driving back I should have thanked her for being responsible.
Instead I went against my own advice and typed up a text and hit the send button before getting up and taking a break.
I said "You made a right choice for staying over but I don't like when you get so wasted from a day of golfing that you can't drive 50 miles back home."
She called me at work this morning and very politely told me not to say that again and that she has been very good and working on getting even better. She said "Your text last night was pressure and that would not get US anywhere."
Pookie, Your wife has been studying our playbook. Cheers to you Mrs Pookie!
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I've been on both sides of being in a relationship without healthy boundaries.
On my part I've put up with contempt, rejection, mean-ness and rage from STBXH for years. Obvious why that hasn't worked for me.
STBXH has boundary issues too though. There were many things that weren't working for him in the M...obviously. The problem is that he couldn't clearly communicate what his boundaries were, except in an attacking, angry way when his boundaries were violated. Or complaining to others behind my back.
IME, setting boundaries in a M is not that simple, especially when strong personalities are involved. I am not convinced by the idea that it's as simple as setting the boundary and enforcing consequences if the boundary is violated. I think that the process of setting and respecting boundaries requires more than that if a connection is to be maintained and enhanced.
What would have worked for me from my STBXH would have been hearing clearly what his boundary was -- expressed in a calmly assertive way. I wish he had been a little more vulnerable when I screwed up...letting me know how it was affecting him. Instead I was dealing with WWIII -- which didn't trigger my empathy, just my defensiveness because his reactions violated my boundaries.
We talk about the importance of boundaries here, but IME, many spouses don't even accept the concept of boundaries, or even being able to listen to their spouse saying that something isn't working. When that paradigm isn't present for one or both spouses, it's an uphill battle.
I agree that setting boundaries is very important in life. But setting boundaries is a skill, one that many of us lack. IME, ineffective boundary setting actually creates more harm than good. It concerns me that the process is often oversimplified.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
We talk about the importance of boundaries here, but IME, many spouses don't even accept the concept of boundaries, or even being able to listen to their spouse saying that something isn't working.
Agree. Too often, contemporary society sees healthy boundaries as "you're controlling." "Controlling" is a buzzword that just gets thrown around, without a lot of thought, and is WAY misunderstood, IMHO. In fact, I think most relationships need MORE control (including SELF-control) ... not less! But that's a topic for another day.
The point is that you have a variety of tools in your DB/DR/KLA arsenal. If you aren't setting boundaries, it doesn't mean you aren't DBing. And if you are setting boundaries, it doesn't mean you are DBing.
DBing...is trying something...monitoring results, and adjusting accordingly to meet your goals. If you achieved your goal (provided it is small enough), bingo!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
DBing...is trying something...monitoring results, and adjusting accordingly to meet your goals. If you achieved your goal (provided it is small enough), bingo!
Ummm.. I think this is a tad bit of an oversimplification don't you?
The text is over 200+ pages... I hardly think this is even a halfway fair summary of the db process...
