What is and is not DBing

[flowmom]

I've been on both sides of being in a relationship without healthy boundaries.

On my part I've put up with contempt, rejection, mean-ness and rage from STBXH for years. Obvious why that hasn't worked for me.

STBXH has boundary issues too though. There were many things that weren't working for him in the M...obviously. The problem is that he couldn't clearly communicate what his boundaries were, except in an attacking, angry way when his boundaries were violated. Or complaining to others behind my back.

IME, setting boundaries in a M is not that simple, especially when strong personalities are involved. I am not convinced by the idea that it's as simple as setting the boundary and enforcing consequences if the boundary is violated. I think that the process of setting and respecting boundaries requires more than that if a connection is to be maintained and enhanced.

What would have worked for me from my STBXH would have been hearing clearly what his boundary was -- expressed in a calmly assertive way. I wish he had been a little more vulnerable when I screwed up...letting me know how it was affecting him. Instead I was dealing with WWIII -- which didn't trigger my empathy, just my defensiveness because his reactions violated my boundaries.

We talk about the importance of boundaries here, but IME, many spouses don't even accept the concept of boundaries, or even being able to listen to their spouse saying that something isn't working. When that paradigm isn't present for one or both spouses, it's an uphill battle.

I agree that setting boundaries is very important in life. But setting boundaries is a skill, one that many of us lack. IME, ineffective boundary setting actually creates more harm than good. It concerns me that the process is often oversimplified.