About your name and the whole MIL thing-- I read back on your old posts b/c the screen name is so confusing and frankly, alarming. I'm not positive it fits either. There's not much data about it, so I can't really know. And as for your h lurking here, I don't believe after this long, that he'd still be reading posts here that would somehow sabatage your DB efforts. Seriously, either give some details or explain why you aren't.
More importantly, is your mil's data about you even real? If it's not, then who cares? IOW, if she believes the earth is flat and you're a purple lesbian frog, does it really matter? Oh, wait, you fear your h thinks what she says is true? First, I'd counter any negative images she's feeding him, OR he's feeding himself, with positives to contrast. (180's...If they say you're stingy, be generous. IF it's a true statement).
Second, if he's the type to believe whatever his mother says, at this age, and or is so co-dependent on her for major life choices, then I guess you aren't losing much...maybe he'll grow up and call you, or maybe she'll pass away and he'll 'graduate' to adulthood and call you,. Or maybe you can move forward in your life regardless of whether he calls you. But you will have to let some of this stuff slide off your back like water on a duck.
I think your real fear, which is universal and makes sense, is that you let a guy into your heart and he rejected you, and therefore, something must be wrong with you. But is that really true?
Were you human? I mean, Did you have flaws, some of which were changeable? You did??? Okay, so you change those flaws that you want to change b/c YOU want to (which means marriage to you NOW would be different and better than before, which is good--because if your m is going to be the same as before, why would he want back in? Why would you?) It has to be different. Which means you have to be. Okay so you're human and you had some flaws and you are working on them...fine. That's done. Next...
OR the flaws he claims are not even valid, in which case you know his data isn't real so it cannot matter to you. Chalk it up to the "earth is flat & you're a purple lesbian frog" rumors and let it go. Reality will catch up with him in time. For most of us, it's a combination of real flaws or traits that we decide to change some of, and BS stuff they convince themeslves of to justify leaving. There's not a lot to do with that but stay calm and do the opposite of. You can't spend emotional energy on it for sure. It usually backfires anyway.
The more you argue with his choices, the more he'll defend them. The more you worry about what his mother thinks/says/does, the worse for you.
I know you think your sitch is 1 in a mllion but that's b/c most people thought your h was having an A with his mother, which is what your screen name implies.I realize it wasn't that way but that your mil was a bad factor in the m. Well, I had a similar issue with my late mil. She was not a stable woman and I was often the target of her illness and anger. She blamed me for some non events and for ANY troubles between her sons. She even blamed me for her mother, the 96 y/o grump for making our infant son cry at the time. As if I had coached him....huge scenes..But When she got cancer I went out with my d21 to assist her with chemo and help her to die with dignity. She came out to our home where I cared for her almost 24/7 and She did die with dignity. I rose to the occasion and have no regrets. There was no awareness on her end and no apology. I'm fine with that. She's gone now. Your mil won't be around forever so it's sad if your h "obeys" her at this stage of life.
I don't think your sitch is very unusual at all. MANY inlaws are not helpful in these situations. Many of them are poor dysfuntional influences in their adult children's lives, OR are trying to repair bad R's they had with their children & see supporing their choice to leave as now being "supportive"...)
What I never found in any of your posts are reasons he gives for leaving. What is it that he feels is missing in the m? What would HE say are the reasons he's leaving or what he'd like to see change in you? Is there any validity to any of what he says? If so, what are you doing to change those things?
If not, so be it. Then It's his journey and there's nothing you can do to steer him a certain way.
So you're facing the question of whether You do have flaws b/c you're not Mother Teresa (and hey,she wasn't perfect. She wasn't very sexy). But there are also likely to be pieces missing, or false claims of fault, that are all your h's responsibility. For those parts, which may be the bulk, you do have to let go. I mean, my h went nuts for living on the tundra where he was convinced he'd earn gazillions of dollars and we all would love it there, and we'd "see the light" etc. None of us wanted to return there, as we'd live there previously and only h had liked it. There was nothing I could say or do to show him that it wasn't going to go as he thought. He put his wants ahead of all ours and ahead of our family and at one point I asked him if he understood that this was essentially going to threaten our family for a JOB...to which he said "I'm willing to take the chance of losing our family for this job". To this day he has NO recall of saying that and I believe him. Strange, but true.
His mother of course would never dream of saying he was being selfish or being odd. He seemed to need to go and could not or would not be stopped, So he did go and I stayed with our children. And he wasn't right. And it did not turn out the way he hoped at all. And he did a lot of R damage and financial damage, and it is taking a long time to recover from that and I cannot say the Rs with our kids are all repaired, but he's working on it.
My mil was glad he returned but never expressed regret about her own commentary. It would never occur to her that she helped him to do the damage he did. She didn't protect her only grandchildren and sadly, at her funeral, our older children gave eulogies in which they both admitted they did not know her well. This shocked my h. THAT SHOCKED ME...(I mean, how could he think they were close?? But I digress).
My point is that inlaws are all around and we deal with them well, or half decently, or we move away (yep, done that!) or they die (eventually it happens) or we set healthy boundaries. Without some real details, I can't offer specific advice on that but maybe you'll be comfortable with a mc or a DB coach and can tell them. They're really very good. Also, fwiw, I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried their exes, so it happens.
Change what you can. Be the best you can, (as in, BE A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE), and leave the results up to the big guy. Good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
