Hang in there Dad!! Stay strong and don't cave in. You are doing well.
Once you are finally separated it will become easier. The first week or two after separation were really hard for me, but it has gotten much easier 6 weeks in and I am mostly happy now. Unless I drink too much.
Take care of yourself, have fun with your kids and make choices for how YOU want things to be going forward. Set some goals, make a plan and then stick to it.
I cannot follow this thread b/c it prints out weirdly on my Mac. Can't track it. Looks as if the lines/sentences go on forever. Sorry...yours is the only one so it's your thread, and not the site, as far as I can tell.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmic... I figured out what I was doing wrong... I was writing things and pasting to the reply section here. You just have to write here and post here for it to appear normal from what I can tell. Sorry about that.
It was her day with the kids last night, so she was here all night... I hope she would stay elsewhere. Very clear that she doesn't want anything to do with me... has such an angry lookon her face when she's near me. I can actually see her getting aggitated by my presence. I was doing dishes when she walked in. Of course the first thing she asked was are you gonna be here all night? I responded yes, I do live here. I started to make dinner and she comes in the kitchen to take over (she rarely cooks btw). I didn't want to fight and thought it was a nice gesture to make dinner. She comes into the kitchen and starts harping about how it's her day with the kids and she wanted to cook for them, so I wouldn't use it against her and call her a bad parent. I told her I was just trying to be nice that's all. She goes back in the living room apparently steaming. I heard her tell the kids, hurry up and fo your homework, because were leaving. It really hurt me to have her be so rude and have her moving the kids around like pawns. I'm disappointed to say I cried. I told her that her presence and actions hurt me, and I wish she would just stay gone. She went on about how it's her house too and I have not paid her anything yet. I am just so amazed how concerned she is about money now, and how she could care less how much pain she causes me, how devestated she's leaving me.
I told her I didn't understand how she could treat me so cold when I am the one who was wronged. She again brought up my infidelity, which happened over 10 years ago now and over 2 years before our marriage. Then she started going on about his I was never there for her and that's why she kissed the first guy during our marriage. I guess she felt she was justified. There were times I wasn't there for her, but I was working alot to pay off our house. I was not out on the town, but I did let her down. There were many time I was there for her, many times I was the only one there for her. Plenty of times she was unavailable to me, she doesn't see that snd refuses to acknowledge it.
In the past 3 years I made many changes and worked hard to make her happy. She claims I only started making changes the past year. Absolutely untrue, but another way for her to discount my efforts. I told her after nearly 12 years of being together and 4 kids, I was hurt that she couldn't even treat me with sone dignity... She chimed in right away, "we've only been together 11 years!" of course we've been togeher 11 1/2 years... Another way to take away from me.
She said she is only sad about the kids, not sad for me. She had cried a few days ago, and said it was remorse. She explained lash night she cried because she feels she is not there for the kids. Since she works 2nd shift, she has not been home for them for years... Not a new change.
I asked her if she would find somewhere else to take the kids when she has them. She got an apartment, but can't move in until the 8th of next month for some reason. She started snapping about how she didn't have to talk to me anymore, how controling I was, that our relationship is over (she loves saying that even when it's not the topic) At one point she went on about how she's talked to people about me and they agree with her decision. I told her I did not appreciate her telling everyone how "horrible" I've been to her since it was not at all true. I told her she she can leave this marriage and I wouldn't stop her, but she didn't have paint me as a monster to justify it. Was I perfect... No, but it is WRONG for her to blame me for anything when I was the ONLY one who tried for the part 3 years. When I've asked her what she did to work on our marriage, she always gets angry and says, "me just being here was trying".
So she packed up the kids left and then returned a bit later saying she wanted to feed the kids. We did try to discuss some money issues regarding the divorce, but mainly she was texting on her phone instead of talking to me. So rude this woman, so hostile. She didn't say much and clearly was repulsed by my presence. She asked if I was going to bed, it was early so I said no. She sleeps on the couch now, so she wanted me to go. I wasn't about to go to my room, so I told her if she was tired she could go to bed on the couch in the basement. Of course she just wanted to text whoever obviously. I did go into the basement and she quickly rolled over in the dark with the light of her phone gleaming as she tried to hide it under her blanket with her glasses on. Whatever!
It's hard to believe there is any light at the end if this tunnel.
She just came home from dropping the kids off (her only real parental obligation now... School Drop Off and having the baby during until 2p). I asked her a couple days ago to move all her stuff from the basement out to the garage, so she is doing that now. Never saw her move so fast!
This is your idea of NO contact? On her days, quit doing things for her. Go out and get a life. She needs to see that you are happily moving on even if it's just painting on a smile and going out to Starbucks for a few hours.
Stop talking R to her. She doesn't get it, won't get it and any convo will just leave you feeling like roadkill. Leave the money talks to your L. You are letting your emotions dictate too much in that area. You really need to reconsider HER plan of you being the primary parent, doing all parental duties and yet, you pay her child support. The only thing you will be supporting is her single lifestyle. You need to do what's right for your kids. Fight for them, not her.
I do think the single life will be tough for her regardless. On her off days she will have all 4 kids, so unless she gets a sitter, which I suspect she will, the possible OM won't be too interested in hangin out. The only way to get time for a date is to go out after 1130pm, but she'll have to pickup kids at 7am... Still tough to find someone interested in that setup.
The only way to get the kids is to accept the deal... The alternative is to still pay her the same amount and then lose time with kids by having to drop them off before bed so a sitter can put them to bed at her new place (probably without the kiss and affection I provide). It's best for the kids if I accept the offer... It's best for me too. I don't think it matters what happens, she will still be looking to live that single life, bit this way my kids won't be in her path.
Tonight I'm gonna stay away from her by cleaning up the basement, now that her stuff is outa there.
I was cleaning the basement, she kept coming down, asking things about her stuff, I just shrugged or answered with short responses and continued on. I was cleaning and whistling lol... I'm sure she heard me upstairs and was wondering what thevheck was going on. I went upstairs and she went to basement to sleep. I only asked her how our oldest daughter was doing in school, since went to PTC today. I had to ask because our son has been having issues, not sure if it's due to D. I then watched a movie, which was quite funny, the laughing much needed.
re-read Bluestar's post please. You are NOT in any form of "no contact" at all. You have more contact than 99% of people.
Also, do you have a good L? I am one, (no, I'm not volunteering OR advising) but please have a L with enough resources (not a solo practice without enough support employees) to fight for your kids AND your future, That means that you don't pay child support for someone who doesn't have the children. That money could be used for their lifestyle with YOU or their college. Why give it to her? I'm not saying be punitive and "show her the consequences" but I have a hard time believing you'll have to pay her alimony (ONLY 11 year marriage, per HER) AND child support AND have the kids that much?? Your L told you this? What state do you live in?
And regardless, I agree her work hours and vision of her future is delusional. A new man is not going to be turned on by her choices. But you know what? Only ONE thing will reveal all of that to her...so let it. Let the truth be revealed, so she can find it out for herself. Nothing you say will convince her like reality will.
As Bluestar said, Drop the rope, stop ALL R talk, let the money talk be the L"s job b/c that IS THEIR JOB!! Keep your distance from her and for lack of a better phrase, MAN UP...
Stop letting her tell you to leave the marital home when SHE already left it. Her lease terms are not your problem. Why would you cook food for HER? Pursuit...and Feed the kids before she gets there OR assume she'll bring food for them. If she forgets, They'll tell her they're hungry, right?
Why do you try to read her mind AND then choose to see it all negatively? You assume she's repulsed by you. Don't bother spending an ounce of energy wondering what she feels or thinks. Focus on how YOU feel about YOUR LIFE and what you are creating. Be there for your kids which means no more worrying about how she sees you or thinks the world is flat or the sky is brown...she's not relevant and she's not healthy enough or objective enough now anyhow. It's alien spew. Ignore that.
Just be an upbeat well dressed man, with a new fragrance on, going somewhere and if she needs you she can text you (as can the kids at any time they need to of course). No reason to tell her where you're going or with whom.
Take a class or activity (ballroom dancing often needs more men in the class) you've always wanted to take. GET OUT and GET A LIFE...asap. You have to do this no matter what. She has not had the space or time to reflect on her choices as you are constantly attacking her choices. No woman can handle mommy guilt for long so they either return to the home (WHICH SHE WOULD HAVE DONE BY NOW) or she'll turn the guilt into anger at YOU...
Expect that. Don't take it personally or believe it's justified. But expect it. Like it's from a script. B/c it is. And in time, memories of good times and loving moments will resurface. she'll hear a song or see a place or the kids will mention a memory of theirs, and she'll be moved. IT WILL HAPPEN.
You don't need to push the memory thing at all. Back off Big time. Blessed, there's no other way for us to say that & how many times have we?? Can you do it?
And did I read that you have not read the DB books yet? That explains a lot...sort of....I mean, this site is based on "solution therapy" (Ie do what works, Relationships made up of 2 people change, by definition, when ONE person acts/reacts differently. Don't focus on your childhood or the 'why's' of it all, but NOW do what works and do more of it, and don't do what does not work. Simple in theory. Revolutionary in practice...READ THE BOOKS....) Back off, etc BE A MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I should mention there is a woman that is interested in me. She recently ended a relationship. We have met as friends and discussed our relationship issues. She has been asking to meet up, but usually I'm working. She just bought a house and invited me to hang out with her for a Halloween party. I don't know if I should... it just feels a bit out of line still being married. I have to admit it feels good to be wanted again.
