How should H act if he wants a R ?

[ericmsant2]

C4

I think I’d like to call you C4 if that is okay? C4 reminds me of the military explosive stuff and c4 you seem to pack quite a bang. That said here would be my advice..

1) Sit down and figure out what you really want and IF you really can do this. By this I mean go thru a process of looking inside yourself to find things about yourself that you want to change. Change YOU and maybe your H comes back. Remember no one here can guarantee that your M will be saved. What I think many will say to you is that YOU will be different if you put in the work.
2) Tell me what complaints your H had about YOU.
3) Tell me a little bit about yourself – what hobbies do you have, what dreams you have, etc.
4) Ask yourself if you love your H enough to let him go for now.
5) Can you manage to keep your emotion under control and as punkin said…remove that chip from your shoulder.
6) Have you read the MLC resources? If so, what do YOU think your next steps are?
7) Do you understand what detachment really is?

BUT, never ever did he do anything to prove to me he wanted me back.

What does he need to do? How long are you willing to wait?

he would stand by me thru our long hard journey called reconciliation BUT as soon as I had a meltdown, BAM he was gone.

Would you consider yourself needy?

He kept saying, " I want to take it slow because I can't take all the negatives about how I hurt you. I can't live like that anymore."

What do you think he is telling YOU with these statements? Can you see how your insistence on getting what YOU want when YOU want it may have pushed him away?

He says he loves me but just wants to be friends.

Can you live with being just his friend for a period of time? And I mean Friend…not your H acting as a friend..I mean friend.

All the books I read and therapists I saw said he should have promised not to cheat on me again.

Personally, he could have promised you the world. His ACTIONS will need to speak and they just MAY BUT it will be in HIS time NOT YOURS. Once again, can you wait?

How should my husband act towards me if he wants to reconcile?

Can you ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND that RIGHT NOW he may not want to reconcile and really just wants to be friends? Do you consider yourself strong?

Shouldn't he be spending more time with me than with his buddies?

Not if you give him a reason to WANT to spend time with his friends. Can you give him the space he needs? Can you set aside your feelings and wants for a while? AND in that time focus on fixing YOU?

How can I tell if he really wants me and the marriage we had?

He doesn’t and he said as much when he said….

" I want to take it slow because I can't take all the negatives about how I hurt you. I can't live like that anymore."

Am I right to expect him to change those behaviors ?

Is he wrong for EXPECTING YOU to give him space? Once again, this is what YOU want…it is not respectful of WHAT he wants and right now, he is thinking about HIM.

You have been married 29 years, and while he is hurting you like a stomach full of borken glass, 29 years should be worthy of some time invested by you to read up.

I could not agree more with Jack statement up there ^^^. However, this is YOUR decision to make. You should not want to go through this process because I tell you too. It is your call.

I am so far from being the perfect DB'r,

Punkin is wrong – she is an excellent DB’r – cause DB teaches you about YOU…and Punkin…has learned about herself. Do you want the same? Up for the challenge?

I would really like to know, should I call my H and say I was wrong about what I said, how I reacted ?

You want the truth…you can’t handle the truth (sorry I had to repeat one of my fav jack nick movie quotes)…seriously, do nothing right now. Nothing. Why?

You are operating from a place of fear and utter panic.

You are shi!ting brinks right now.

You still think that YOU can fix him

Let focus on YOU for a bit…then we can talk about YOUR h.

Answer the questions that I posed to you. I will check on you tomorrow and DO NOT call YOUR H. Not NOW…just wait C4…just wait.

Patience…my dear is a virtue that you will come to learn here…

Your M did not fall apart overnight and no matter what YOU do it will not get fixed overnight.

God Bless,
Eric