Thanks v1olin. I really blew it, but I learned, so that's ok. On the [--edited by dbmod: advertising], there is a list of things the wayward spouse needs to do in order to successfully reconcile:
1. Be totally honest with you about everything (She was honest, I'll give her that) 2. Answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. (Nope) 3. Do everything in her power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with. (Not even close) 4. Prove her love to you...she must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding. (Not even close) 5. Feel your pain. (Not even close, whenever she got close to it, she blamed me) 6. Fully understand the devastation she caused you. (I wish) 7. Accept full responsibility for her actions. (Not even close) 8. Stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them. (Nope) 9. Reassure you that it is OK to ask questions. (She often led with "I know this will hurt you") 10. Reassure you that you will not drive her away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. (She bolted as soon as I showed her even a glimmer of what I needed) 11. Recognize when you're struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. (She did actually try this a little, and I appreciated it) 12. Be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. (Tell yes, show no) 13. Reinforce to you, that you are not responsible. (Just the opposite, although I do see glimmers of self loathing in her) 14. Put her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. (Is this a joke? She effectively said she doesn't want to try to reconcile UNTIL I've fully healed) 15. Reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. (Ah... no) 16. Work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. (Not near enough) 17. Be willing to seek counseling. (She is in counseling, and it is helping)
So she got couple full yes's, and a couple halves, out of 17. Not too good.
I agree this might not be over yet, and I agree I do need to leave her alone. If and when she indicates she wants to try again, and if I'm in any way available and open to it, I'll have to see 17/17 before I drop my guard again.
Truthfully, I'm glad to be away from her, because I really am having quite a bit of fun, and the thought of getting back into it with her just isn't very appealing right now. We'll see how I feel as time goes by. Right now I want to explore other options.
