Darker days ahead

[25yearsmlc]

D4mil,

I've seen your posts elsewhere, with several arguments about the theory that women want financial security or men think we do, and how unfair it is that it's held against us as if we're "gold diggers", if and when we actually do want security. I think you reject it as a theory, totally. Then later you say your h is probably dating some ow and you yourself describe her as a "gold-digger...or...girlfriend..." Just noting it, okay?

I'm a professional woman and a mom. I read a study some 20 years ago that validated my personal experience, so perhaps it bears repeating. When asked what men & women most valued in a spouse, men reported "attractiveness and peace in the home" (I read that as "decent sex/looks good, and no nagging"). Women reported "Fidelity and security". To me, "fidelity" meant "don't cheat" and "Security" meant I want to feel safe. It's more than finances, but it included financial security too, and I have no shame in that at all. I have worked hard.

When we had our first child (surprise!) I was in law school so my "maternity leave" was without pay b/c graduation was delayed. I was SO GLAD my h could provide well enough for us for me to have that time off and not starve. By the 3rd child, born 12 yrs later, h earned enough for me to stay home for some years and I was and still am grateful for that. He owed the military a commitment for his med school so it wasn't as if he could stay home instead of me, but even if he could, my inclinations were more in line with it than his).

Maybe it's a biological thing for some of us, and I was surprised to feel this way frankly. But then I liken it to the caveman theory, and it helps explain.

I like to think if I were home in the cave with an infant, and my h went out to hunt & gather, that I could count on him to come back with some meat or berries and not empty handed, while our nursing baby cries from hunger. If there were scary noises at night, I like to think my h would not hide behind me, but would go investigate with his club, while I protect the child. I'd back him up to be sure, but I"d want him in front. As a feminist, a part of me feels a tad embarrassed, but as a mother, (& a smaller person than my h,) I'm more & more comfortable admitting it. I feel differently now than I did before I had kids. I never ever planned on being a sahm, but I'm lucky I could.

Charles Mee wrote a play called "Big Love" (nothing to do with polygamy) that encapsulates the demands on men and women better than anything I've read or seen elsewhere. Our son was in the play in NYC. It made me cry to hear his character describe how hard (and unfair) it is for a man to have to be "ready to Kill or die" and in the next breath, be "ready to make love or comfort a dying friend, tenderly"...yes we do expect both the "sensitive guy" and the "killer caveman" bringing home meat. Or at least almost all of my friends and I do. The piece the lead female had a monologue about women today too. It was well written and described our dilemmas about being strong independent modern women who aren't "needy", and yet how we somehow play the whole "make him feel like a man" role too. Expectations matter. But we have to know of them.

I've worked harder to express my gratitude to my h for staying in shape, being physically strong, and being a good provider. It matters a lot to him and costs me so little.

I think you're very hurt, and I understand that. Most of us have been there, and I am among them. But you seem to be trying to apply your sitch globally, almost politically. and though I don't think it works, the real question is, how does it help you at all?
[/b]
When you predicted that your h would leave you, do you see how that might have played out as a self fulfilling prophecy?

Why would you expect him to leave you anyhow? Why'd you want to leave him after a year, and why'd you stay? From this day forward, what do you want your life to look like?

I posted to you on someone else's thread unfortunately, (it was a long one) but, oh well... Have you talked to a DB coach? Of the many many good helpful things I did to be here, if I only had one thing I could do in the same sitch, I'd hire a DB coach. Their advice is specific and detailed and so helpful. I highly recommend them. They won't say "stay at all costs" even if it were an option, and they understand that you may simply need a new approach to your life as a woman without a h present. They get that. good luck,
j-