Beautifully expressed, Coach. However, I'd offer the caveat that a person can only stand up for himself/herself, etc, AFTER working on himself to recognize what he doesn't love about himself (and how that has impinged on ALL his relationships), how he can become a person he'd respect, what his core values are, what issues he hasn't yet dealt with from childhood, etc. After all, a person can only set boundaries once he breaks free from what has (up to this point) been binding him.
Beautifully expressed, Coach. However, I'd offer the caveat that a person can only stand up for himself/herself, etc, AFTER working on himself to recognize what he doesn't love about himself (and how that has impinged on ALL his relationships), how he can become a person he'd respect, what his core values are, what issues he hasn't yet dealt with from childhood, etc. After all, a person can only set boundaries once he breaks free from what has (up to this point) been binding him.
I think it's SIMULTANEOUS, Cyrena. Don't you? I can be a seriously flawed person, but I don't feel I need to perfect all my flaws before I can insist on no "crap behavior" from those around me. I do think I would need to say something like "Look, I know my own role in the problems in our marriage, and I'm working on them," yadda, yadda, yadda. To be credible (and hopefully, you're SINCERE in that).
But I don't think you lay out firm boundaries AFTER you've cleaned up all of your own issues. I think you lay them out UP FRONT, as you begin -- also UP FRONT -- to work on your own.
But I don't think you lay out firm boundaries AFTER you've cleaned up all of your own issues. I think you lay them out UP FRONT, as you begin -- also UP FRONT -- to work on your own.
Agreed. How can you even begin to work on yourself unless you acknowledge that poor boundaries and not standing up for yourself in a calm, responsible way are probably part of the problem?
It's so common here that people have poor boundaries and codepenency issues, that I'd be suprised to see a healthy person with good boundaries and no codedependency issue register as a member.
And for some reason, that reminds me of a Laurie Anderson song called "Coolsville":
Hey little darlin, I'm comin your way little darlin And I'll be there Just as soon as I'm all straightened out Yeah just as soon as I'm perfect.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You could even argue that looking only internally to work on your marriage simply introduces another problem into it... Not speaking up is a serious problem in many marriages...
This is why, I believe, that the DB tack of working on oneself first is an effective one.
This is not the case when depression, infidelity, or other addictions are involved... The working on oneself thing is for the classic wayward... The text advocates confronting a spouse who has depression, is engaged in infidelity, etc.. That's not working on oneself first...
Retro I believe takes a similar position.. Classic waywardness is handled much differently than addiction or other obsessive behaviors.
