What is and is not DBing

[flowmom]

ABG, no sting taken from anything you wrote

A few years ago, however, there was a study done for couples who had attended Retrouvaille in the San Francisco area, and 5 years after the weekend about 85% of the couples were still together. Couples coming to RV are in a lot of similar situations in their marriages; however, the fact of them having chosen to attend together means that there is at least some desire or hope for the marriage for them. So they may be in a very different place than those coming to this forum.

That is a very encouraging track record for Retrouvaille. But your speculation that those going to Retro are in a very different place in their M than the forum members is entirely correct. Going to Retro requires that the WAS is willing to put some effort in the M and has a tiny bit of hope of reconciliation. Unfortunately, that is generally not the case for marriages that are posted about in this forum.

Having seen firsthand what is possible for healing marriages, I am convinced that most marriages can indeed be saved.

I agree with you, but timing is everything. Perhaps my marriage could have been saved IF I had made crucial interventions...a few YEARS ago. That would have required:
* a full recognition of the seriousness of STBXH's marriage dissatisfaction (which he didn't communicate about)
* an awareness of DR and Retro (which I didn't have)
* a willingness to issue a marriage ultimatum to force STBXH to deal with the issues (because he wouldn't have done it with gentle coaxing on my part)

It sounds like you have a lot to offer the forum. But unfortunately I think you'll find that marriages can't be saved past the point of no return, no matter what the LBS does.