K - I am so sorry you have going through this - sexual addiction is insidious. The Carnes books have been very helpful to me. I agree with Snodderly - center yourself first to ensure your own strength through the situation.
Definitely praying for you.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Thanks to all of you. But I have had my enough. The emails were too much. I could not stand to be around him anymore. He is gone. I told him to leave. I packed his things and told him to find somewhere else to stay.
This will never work as long as he has the need for sexual attention from other women.
Weird though, what you thought would have happened didnt. He was in shock when I told him. I sent it in a text. He wanted to talk. He got off work and tried his hardest to find me. I avoided him for the most part. Told him I had had enough and I deserved to be treated with respect as his wife.
Of course he begged me not to throw him out on the street. He begged me to do this a different way. I did tell him what I had found. Of course he had an excuse for most of it...but admitted to a few lies...then starts blaming himself. He hasnt blamed me yet. He said it was all his fault. That he has problems. He needs help. He isnt a happy person. He NEEDS that attention from other women to make him feel better. HE was selfish and irresponsible. He is sorry he hurt me. He even wanted me to just cuss him out...
It hurt me alot to do this. But Im being honest with myself now...it was never going to work. HE had no respect for me and I had lost all respect for him. I trusted him not to hurt me again...and he did. He lied, he wants me to believe he is telling me the truth now about everything, but I cant. I want too, but I just cant. I can not live with him like this and I told him that as long as this was who he was going to be, it wasnt going to work.
I told him that IM sure he could find some place to stay tonight, that he seemed to have plenty of friends and if any of them were his true friends they would help him....then he said that was just it...he didnt have any true friends. That I was for the most part his only true friend. I dont know if he was looking a pity party or what.
Im standing my ground. I have changed the locks, told him I dont want to see him. He isnt begging me to take him back, just for a place to stay.
He needs to figure out why he is like this. He needs to find his happiness and figure out that he is in charge of making himself happy, that depending on others for it will only let you down, because people will let you down. Im only there to share in HIS happiness, but if he cant find it, he will never be happy.
Im so sad for him. Im sad for me. This is hard. BUT this is the decision I have made for me and my children and I have to deal with it. God is with me.
My kids are taking it better than I thought. My daughter is relieved he is gone. My son, well he is missing him, but understands that he cant be there. They have felt the tension as well. My daughter told me she hated her daddy so much the other night...well, she shouldnt, but that is how she is feeling right now.
We will all be ok. Trying to fight back the tears today. But for the first time this morning i woke up feeling better.
I may not have gone about this the way some of you would have, but I have to stand up for me. If I keep letting him treat me this way, well, then I have NO respect for myself.
Pray for me...I need it today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
(((K))) If you are finding peace, you have done the right thing----and I think you are. YOU are more important than saving your M at all costs, and I think you were losing YOU. It's ok to release the floodgates - it's ok to grieve. YOU can do this!
"Do not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness." - James Thurber
Thank you. I do have peace...yet I still question if what I did was right, then I keep reminding myself of WHY I did it. THen I feel peace again.
The floodgates are about to break....just reading that made me tear up. I will save that for when Im alone and not working. I about lost it this morning because my H asked to come by and get something out of one of his vehicles...All I said was "NOW?" he got it and was gone before He said anythinge else, but just seeing his truck pull up into my driveway hit me...I was about to blow when the phone rang and it was my friend reassuring me that I did the right thing and it was gonna be ok.
I love my friends.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My only advice would be to simmer down before you do anything else. Not so much for him but for you.
Your hurt right now and really angry. IMO, the peace you feel right now is due to YOU making a decision for YOU. Once again, is it the right one - time will tell. I believe that right now it was the right decision to ask him to leave. I believe that right now you need to really focus on just you and kids. Healing yourselves, learning more about yourself, finding your strength and really just being the true Kissak.
My other advice would be to not sin in your anger. Many times when we are hurt we want to strike back at the person that hurt us. Yes we "feel" better after the initial response but then afterwards we begin to question and challenge what we did and said. Please do not make that mistake. I am not suggesting standing, divorcing...my only suggestion is healing.
Your H has some issues that he needs to deal with. Can he deal with them - only time will tell...only time will tell. Personally, i believe that all of us have the ability to change to grow it is up to each of US to take that step. You have just taken your first step...a step whereby you stood up for YOURSELF and your beliefs and what you want in your life.
The next steps will be harder Kissak - i sh!t you not - the next steps are looking at Kissak and I mean really looking at Kissak.
Take some time and cool off, then Kissak take your next step!
What you may see inside yourself may hurt, may inspire, what I am sure it will do is show YOU.....Kissak....
And
That
Is the gift that you give yourself!
Never strive for perfection....strive to be the real Kissak - no mask, no nothing...just you.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thank you Eric...I do strive to be myself everyday. Trying harder now than ever.
I wont be making any more decisions right now about anything, just taking care of me. Funny, my H asked me last night if he had to fear for his life, or anybody beating him up, had I taken out revenge on him....I was seeking revenge at all. OF course thoughts did go through my head of what I could do, but Im not like that. I did feel bad about throwing him out on the street, but he has to learn that he needs to live with the consequences of his actions.
I was cooled off before I did anything. Yes, Im still angry and I still doubt myself, but I know deep down I did what was right for me. Still hurts though. After holding on for sooo long, it hurts.
But time for the healing to begin. H has been left to deal with his choices and what he has lost. In time I believe he may see that...maybe years, but I think he will see it. I know change wont happen over night with him, he may say he needs help, but does he really believe it deep down?? He needs to dig just as deep as I do.
Thank you Eric...I appreciate your thoughts and help, as do I appreciate all my friends here. I have the best support line on here and also with my friends and family on the outside....I love them all and they all support me 100%....even my inlaws support me and that says alot.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
That was supposed to say I WAS NOT seeking revenge at all! It wont let me edit today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Just got an emaill from my sister in law today. She informed me that my H went to talk to her mom (his stepmom) about staying in their camper again (where he stayed before). She also said that she told him that he needed to grow up and if this made our daughter start pulling her hair out again his a$$ was grass! They said they stood by my decision and that I did the right thing. That if I needed anything they would be there for me and the kids.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Your welcome BUT really YOU are doing this. You are making the choices. You are living your life.
You are correct that your H needs to do some serious work and you do as well.
As a man and former ch!thead H I can tell you that your H may come crawling back claiming change, claiming he has done the work. IMO, this becomes a very fine line that you MAY have to walk. How can you still show him some "hope" (assuming it is what you still want) yet not allow YOUR own in securities push you into a decision one way or another.
This could end up being a rocky road for you for a while especially if your H finally comes to the realization that he needs to do the work on himself and begins the process. I guess my point is this...
In your anger NEVER underestimate the human spirit and commitment that a person can make to change, when they finally reach "that" point.
Never - there are many examples of LBS's that have made significant changes in there life on these boards. If they can do it so can your H.
Whatever you decide and whenever you decide - make sure that you are at peace with your choice.
Finally, life is fluid, it flows and it changes! Change can be take place on many things....
People
Homes
Jobs
And
Even marriages! You can decide your done today, tomorrow, next year and you change your mind the very next day. Why?
Cause it is YOUR life Kissak!
Now go live it to the fullest and see where you want your life to go.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
