Besides the friendlier and more uncertain attitude, there are a few other things. 1. H's spending has dropped way off. 2. H mentioned he was working this past Saturday at the restaurant instead of the store where he was scheduled to be, and where the OW also works, because of "some stuff" at the store. 3. H has begun volunteering more info again about what he is doing and when. H is also responding to my texts and emails again.
I was looking more for evidence that what she was doing -- her style, her pursuing, etc. -- was a turn-off for him, as you stated. E-mails, text messages, voice recordings, credible third-party witnesses, etc. How do you know she's turning him off?
Honestly, I have no way of knowing right now without doing some snooping. I know who she is, but have no mutual friends and no regular contact. His behavior is what tells me that his fantasy life isn't as great as he thought it was going to be.
Anyway, I have learned that snooping makes me crazy. I had to stop in order to preserve my own sanity and to function as a mother. Also, when I do snoop, I think it comes acreoss in the way I talk to my H.
Ultimately, I decided that what she does or doesn't do is unimportant. I have to be true to myself, the person my H fell in love with and stayed in love with for 14 years. Not to toot my own horn, but I am solid, steady, a great mom, patient, and kind. She is a party girl with little self control or sense of responsability. Great for an affair, but not someone you want to keep for the rest of your life.
One more behavior that is positive, is that H has started telling me things he admires and appreciates about me. Not a ton, but it is a big deal to me because of how he had laid all of the blame on me when this started.
You will find HFZ that waywards having affairs will be up and down like this. They will be complimentary one week and the next week they will blame you for the sun rising.
This is par for the course... ups and downs come with the territory of any addiction.
Seeing the down doen'st indicate that this is due to end. There are people on here who can attest to this... Myself included...
I think I get what you are trying to tell me - maybe that I shouldn't read into his behavior too much or get my hopes too high. You are right. It is just too easy to get caught up in the rollercoaster and obsess over everything.
For now I think the best thing is for me to sit back and see what he does tomorrow. If he seems to open up I will ask H again about setting up a one time appointment with my therapist. If not, I'm not going to sweat it. Ultimately he has to be the one to decide what he wants, not me.
All I can really do right now is hope he is coming home while I prepare myself for the possibility that he never will. I am doing that. I realized that while it took almost 2 months for me to pick myself up after H walked out, it only took a few days for me to start recovering when I realized he was probably in an affair.
Tonight I plan to go for a walk while my daughter rides her tricycle, eat dinner with some friends and their kids at the park, then go to story time at the library. It has become a weekly routine since H left that I really enjoy.
All I can tell you is what the divorcebusting text says.. on pp 231 it says outright that until the addiction or obsession becomes inconvenient for him and he suffers some losses it will continue.
The text is pretty clear on that. Unchecked affairs can run for years...
The downside of a roller-coaster does not at all mean the ride is over...
It may be ending, but it will be ending because the affair is an inconvenience... not because its boring.. What signs is there that the infidelity is now an inconvenience?
What obstacles is he facing that keep him from pursuing the infidelity further?
1. He is incredibly vulnerable to shame, especially around his family. His family loves me and wants me arround. He seemed to think I would step out of the way, and I did for a while. Not anymore. I visit with them regularly now.
2. Our daughter. She is 3 and it tears him up to see her hurting. I am also a great mom and he knows it. Keeping her from me only hurts her and ends up limiting the time he gets with her too. When he wouldn't spend time with me he lost all the dinners and home days he had participated in with both of us.
3. Money. I was a stay at home mom running a daycare out of our house when he dropped the bomb. I got a full time office job now that has slowed, but not stopped, our slide into debt. Every time we go through the budget it is also painfully obvious that it is his spending that is biggest the problem.
a. You be wise to be honest enough to disclose to his family he's two-timing you - otherwise he may spin a whole other yarn to them b. He would have only partial custody of his daughter c. Divorce costs $
Has he mentioned divorce? An ultimatum (see pp 230-31 of DR text) may just do the trick here...
a. You be wise to be honest enough to disclose to his family he's two-timing you - otherwise he may spin a whole other yarn to them b. He would have only partial custody of his daughter c. Divorce costs $
Has he mentioned divorce? An ultimatum (see pp 230-31 of DR text) may just do the trick here...
