Me:48 H:48 M:23, T:27 DD 24 Bomb 1 07/27/10,IDLY,moved out without notice while I was at funeral Bomb 2 09/30/10, "I can't return home, I want D" Found out OW in picture since 07/09 D'd: 04/01/11
What happens when you are still sitting there 5 years from now "hoping" that today is the day she comes seeking repentance and forgiveness?
She may not be doing things she is proud of, however you can't know that for sure. She may appear to be unhappy to you, yet skip off with a giant smile on her face once your back is turned.
I never abandoned hope, but on the journey, my hope in him and our M was slowly changed into hope for myself and what I will do in this life.
I am a realist as well and the reality is we only have one life and I choose to not sit around "hoping" that today is the day.
This is why I think addictions are handled differently in db.
When you are addicted the "high" of dopamine or whatever from the addiction leaves friends and family thinking that the WS is happy... Addiction when in high mode can look very much like "happy".. But it really is more aptly called "excited".
It's a risky situation... And makes it very difficult to diagnose the situation accurately...
You know what else can happen an lead to sudden changes in a person's behavior?
A shift in perspective. And anything can lead to this.
It could be just getting older and realizing you have little or no time to realize your dreams and goals.
It could be acheiving all of your major goals and realizing that they didn't make you happy.
It could be a sudden illess that makes you realize that your time here is limited, or the death of somebody close that does the same.
It could be a slowly, suffocating focus on past regrets and a fatalistic idea that this will never change.
It could be a lot of things that cause a shift in perspective (and addictions will do this to you too).
And if that shift is a bit unbalanced toward living and experiencing stimulating or pleasurable things in the present... to the point that consequences aren't always taken into account (or risk assesments aren't made), a person can very well be happily chasing things that make them happy at the moment but continually running into unpleasant consequences that make them unhappy, only to redouble efforts to be happy right now
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
And if that shift is a bit unbalanced toward living and experiencing stimulating or pleasurable things in the present... to the point that consequences aren't always taken into account (or risk assesments aren't made), a person can very well be happily chasing things that make them happy at the moment but continually running into unpleasant consequences that make them unhappy, only to redouble efforts to be happy right now
That behavior is what addicts do when they come down - they try to get high again.
And if that shift is a bit unbalanced toward living and experiencing stimulating or pleasurable things in the present... to the point that consequences aren't always taken into account (or risk assesments aren't made), a person can very well be happily chasing things that make them happy at the moment but continually running into unpleasant consequences that make them unhappy, only to redouble efforts to be happy right now
And on pp 230-31 of Divorce Remedy MWD addresses this. She points out that addicts need to experience their destructive behaviour causing them inconvenence.. And that that must "suffer some loses" before they even consider looking inward to change.
That behavior is what addicts do when they come down - they try to get high again.
And if that shift is a bit unbalanced toward living and experiencing stimulating or pleasurable things in the present... to the point that consequences aren't always taken into account (or risk assesments aren't made), a person can very well be happily chasing things that make them happy at the moment but continually running into unpleasant consequences that make them unhappy, only to redouble efforts to be happy right now
That behavior is what addicts do when they come down - they try to get high again.
And on pp 230-31 of Divorce Remedy MWD addresses this. She points out that addicts need to experience their destructive behaviour causing them inconvenence.. And that that must "suffer some loses" before they even consider looking inward to change.
Note : sorry, i messed up my earlier post and you aren't allowed to edit on this forum.. so I sent a redux.
Sometimes, the spouse just doesn't love you anymore.
Accept it, forgive and move on.
Honestly, that is the advice that I want to give 90% of the posters here. I hurt for the children and the innocent bystanders, but the LBS can move through the grief stages then start a new life...a happier one IME.
Unfortunately, this is the myth that is antithetic to DB, as I understand it. See p. 54 of DR (for those who require references).
MWD recommends the LRT for those with a spouse who want a divorce and/or the couple are separated (including in-house). That applies to the majority of folks in this forum IME. This is what MWD says about the results of using LRT (DR p. 129):
Quote:
One of three things happens when you use the last-resort technique. The first is, nothing. Unfortunately, there are times when, no matter what you do, your spouse has firmly shut the door on your marriage.
That is the first thing that she says about the effectiveness of LRT. She also is careful to not give false hope to those dealing with infidelity, MLC, depression, etc...common sitches.
So ABG, I respectfully disagree with your statement that I have propagated a "myth that is antithetical to DB".
And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank CityGirl, who joined my thread early on and who helped me to face the reality that my marriage was over. I DBed for six months, and I'm proud of that. But IMO MWD never intended DBing to involve living in denial or having false hope. I'm glad that you're quoting from MWD because I think that her actual writings are far more helpful than some of the distorted ideas of DB on this forum. I actually would be curious to know what proportion of forum participants have carefully read DR.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
This, plus GAL, are the most important challenges of the LBS IMO. All too often, it's the LBS who is living in a fog and refusing to confront reality. That includes some who are "bo-peeping" and some who are "busting affairs".
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
All too often, it's the LBS who is living in a fog and refusing to confront reality. That includes some who are "bo-peeping" and some who are "busting affairs".
AMEN.
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
