I hear you, and appreciate the advice. I'm asking opinions, because this is obviously a big decision, there are people with different opinions/advice, and I don't think it hurts to get a second opinion when it's easy to let your emotions sway you from your goals.
She's made it really clear that she doesn't want to do anymore counseling, whether it's with a MC, Retro, or even MWD herself.
I don't see leaving the house as giving up on my marriage, or abandoning anyone, or my vows being conditional. Being together isn't making my R better. In some ways it's making it worse. Yes it's better now than after she dropped the bomb. But that's like saying your cancer isn't killing you quite as quickly now that we've started chemotherapy.
This is a chance for me and her to see what life is like without each other actively involved. It doesn't mean I won't keep GAL, or doing DB things to make our R better. It just means that I've accepted that I can't change her; I can only change myself.
Last night we spoke more about separating. And I realized one really important thing: none of the changes I've made in myself are helping her to see me differently, to feel differently towards me. She's happy I've made the changes, but they haven't helped her out of the fog.
She needs to do that. I can't help her, guide her, nada. And if me staying around is a part of the reason she's in the fog, then moving out will remove some of it.
I've stopped trying to figure out why she's lost her way. Whether it was my neglect, or her childhood issues, or that she got married before really knowing herself, or if there was another man. It doesn't matter.
She's responsible for finding her own way in this life. I'm responsible for myself and my daughters. I'm responsible for helping my W when she asks for it, providing it doesn't interfere with my other responsibilities; I have to be true to myself.
