Thank you so much for the advice! I ended up thinking a lot about your post last night and this morning. I also thought about what “worked” to make last Wednesday go so well. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks and his visit was kind of unexpected. I believe I will go this that again when he comes tomorrow and not ask him about talking at all. Here was my list from that day:
1. I worked hard to really listen as hard as I could. 2. I told myself that I am very strong. 3. I know I love him, and that I truly believe he still loves me. 4. I also told myself to remember to treat H with as much kindness and gentleness as I wish he would show to me. I know he is hurting just as bad as I am.
As far as asking him to see my therapist, I am going to wait and see how things go, but I think I will if the opportunity seems to come up. The script my therapist gave me is to tell H that “My therapist thinks it would help him (my therapist) to help me if you would come in for a one time session.”
My IC says this has been successful for many of his clients in the past. Sometimes it does no good, but he has never seen it hurt the situation. Just as some background, H has twice said he would do this for me, but has not made the appointment. I believe H sincerely intended to call, but with two jobs adding up to 70 hours a week and trying to spend time with our D, he never picked up the phone to call. I had planned to ask H if it is ok to give my C his cell number. Before, I was almost always the one who made appointments and scheduling happen. It just isn’t something my H does well. Recently he told me he nearly blew the engine on his car because he hadn’t taken it in for maintenance he knew needed done, and the car is even something he is good about keeping up with.
One other reason I still lean towards asking about him seeing my C, is my H seems to be a little desperate to do things for me. He has been fixing stuff around the house, wants to get me a new phone, doing whatever house projects are priority on my list (instead of his priorities as would be normal), and he is even taking off for my birthday to spend the evening with me and our daughter. I would also add that H has not taken off for my birthday in a few years.
As far as things I have done just for me, I am working on that too. One of the biggest has been keeping up with my facebook page (I have another post about my ulterior motives on that), going to church, spending time with my friends, playing on the floor with my D, and making my home an emotionally safe and comfortable place for my D and myself. My next item on the “me” agenda is to start painting again. I have not painted since my D was born and I miss it.
