Wasn't clear about your comments to h regarding saving money and the holidays and house improvements, and what it had to do with his sending divorce papers to you & you not signing. You discuss your beliefs and vows, and then talk about money and the house and seem to imply the expenses are related to why you won't sign the papers... but what does that change? Can you see how that might look to him? Just asking.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 - I really wasn't trying to "stop" the divorce. He and I both know that in our state I don't need to sign. He can have a divorce by default. What I am really trying to do is not lose my faith/values through this process. It's important to me.
I agree with you about the "tone". In his crazya** mind - he is trying to be kind or soften the blow. But to ask me how I would like to be served - give me an f'ng break.
I have been dark now since July 30th. I have not been in his way. I do not "stalk" from afar - I have honestly been trying to heal. I have a few years worth of exposure to sickening sexual addiction behaviors that I have repressed in order to move forward in the marriage. The last few months have been a "purging" if you will of the grief, shame, etc. that accompanies it. I am proud that I have missed one day of work through it all. Yes, my S and Ds have seen me inconsolable - but they have also seen me get up from the floor and move forward - we have held each other - grieved together - laughed together. It's been quite a ride.
I guess I know I sound defensive - but I admit I have not handled things perfectly and who knows if I have blown any chance of H respecting me or missing me in the future. I can't worry about that any longer. I am finally getting to the point where I feel as though I don't deserve this. I want to get as far away from it as I can. I want to heal. I want H to get well - that's the bottom line.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Regarding the money - in hindsight yes I can see how it seems contradictory. I really meant I don't have time, energy, resources to spend on the divorce. Oh well...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish although you may not be trying to stop the divorce, your email to your H was in a sense a plea to have him stop it. IMO, you were hoping that your email gave him something to think about and maybe you did, maybe you did not; give him something to think about that is.
Right now, your H is dead set on divorce. Will he change his mind? Only God knows sweetie. In his mind this is the answer to all of his problems. You and I (and many others here) understand that getting a D is not the answer BUT your H will need to figure that out himself.
No attempt to talk, guilt or plead will change this.
One big lesson I learned through out this process is about LOVE.
Love in it’s truest form….is the ability to let go of something so that it has the capacity to live it’s life. It is freedom. The freedom to live and enjoy life, the freedom to make mistakes, the freedom to learn or even NOT learn from it’s mistakes. To truly love something is to give it that freedom.
So as hard as it is….love your H by letting him go. Love him enough by respecting his wishes, while at the same time as loving yourself enough to live your life.
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What I am really trying to do is not lose my faith/values through this process. It's important to me.
Your Faith is YOU Faith. Yours to lose, yours to grow and nurture…all YOUR. Since it is YOURS, it is YOURS to lose or give away – Your H really plays no role in YOUR faith. None.
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he is trying to be kind or soften the blow. But to ask me how I would like to be served - give me an f'ng break.
Believe it or not he is trying to be as civil as he can. Your anger right now is not allowing you to see this. Oh, and you have every right to be angry (I just had my own battle with it last night). Irish, try to look at things from his perspective and trust me when I tell you that it is hard..very very hard. Consider this…
Your hurt He’s hurt (although he does not really know why) He feel guilty cause he knows that he is hurting you
So
In his own fuc*ed up MLC way, he tries to be as nice as he can be at this time.
Sucks? Ayep, big time BUT it is what it is. In order for you to get to the right place emotionally, you will need to fee the anger and then let it go..let it go…just like you need to let him go.
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I have a few years worth of exposure to sickening sexual addiction behaviors that I have repressed in order to move forward in the marriage.
Move forward in the marriage OR not face some of your own fears? Think about that for a sec and read your own comment. “Years of exposure to sickening sexual addtictions….”
Do you think that was healthy? Do you understand why you did not do anything about it? Dig a little here Irish ….I have said many times…look in that mirror and face it. Once you see something about Irish YOU don’t like – kill it!
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But I admit I have not handled things perfectly
No one does. Your not perfect Irish – never were, never gonna be (that is unless your me – just kidding)
You should strive to be better …not perfect…just better.
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blown any chance of H respecting me
Fu*k him respecting YOU…how about we start with Irish respecting Irish? Respect YOURSELF enough to say to yourself….my H does not even warrant a phone call, a response to an email, not even a look from me.
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or missing me in the future
How can he miss something if he know it will always be there. Knows that he can have it, speak to it, manipulate it to respond to him, he can control it….sh!t he has not even had time to miss it.
Irish – become someone that he would be a fool to leave. Give him the space to “miss” and the way you can do that is NC, dark, dim, whatever ya want to call it. This period is also good for you. It allows you to heal.
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I can't worry about that any longer. I am finally getting to the point where I feel as though I don't deserve this. I want to get as far away from it as I can. I want to heal.
This ^^^^ is the best section of your post.
No you can’t worry about HIS life and HIS issues and who is going to fix them.
No you did not deserve this.
Heal Irish….
Take all the time in the world….
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You'll get no 2 x 4 from me because I know how good it feels to finally just let a stream of your feelings out on the person that initiated them. You may not have helped, you may not have hurt, but at least you let it out.
Sounds to me that, like my H, he 'taking things into his own hands'. To me, that means there is an OW pushing in the background. I think most H's want wives to file so they feel less 'to blame' about the whole thing if it turns out they were an a$$.
I want you to take one thing into account. You have done a tremendous amount of growing over the past few months. Don't think that went unnoticed by H. Probably put a scare into him. By filing, he could be trying to 'rein you in'; or 'put the fear of God into you'. My advice, FWIW, you had your say, now go dark. Do nothing. Say nothing. Let him stew. Saying and doing a thing are two different things. Just sit back and watch. Ask Seeking for more popcorn, with butter please.
I think it's all been said by people here who express themselves very articulately. I just wanted you to know that I am reading along and continuing to keep you in my thoughts.
Just reaching out to say "hi" and that I feel your pain.
You say you want to heal...............Continue to allow yourself to heal. You say you don't deserve it...........Let go of "it". We hug onto "it" too tightly. Let "it" die a natural death. You say you want your H to get better..Let space,time and God work. His getting better is beyond your control. He may or may not. It may be sooner or later. Who knows? Doesn't stop YOU from getting better. You say you have blown any chance of your H respecting you...The WAS/MLC doesn't seem to worry about LBS respecting them. Don't worry about the wrong things. Respect yourself. That is the number one respect issue to focus on. We teach people how to treat us. Calm,dignified,resilient,at peace with life and yourself,able to smile and enjoy life. When we reach this point, that is what we project. Who can disrespect that?
Sorry IB that you find yourself on the divorce path. You can't change or stop what your h is doing. It will help if you can accept that.
This is a very tough journey to be on. We are tested and pushed to the limits. We find ourselves questioning who is this person we stood before God and married.
The best advice I can give you, is to focus on IB. You are in complete control of who you are and what you do.
Really the best way through this is to give your h the space to think and grow. I know that it is very difficult to accept that, but there really is NO other answer.
Regardless of D, S, or whatever situation is presented to you in life, nobody can take away who you are and what you stand for. Nobody, not even your h.
You will find that you will be ok with however your situation ends.
I hope you can find some peace with your current situation and please remember this is all about your h and what HE needs to do.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
