Ominus Bonus

[steady]

From Susan Campbell:

To really meet another person, to experience true intimacy, you must enter a realm of uncertainty together.

You are most lovable when you are most transparent.

You can only be honest about yourself.

You can only be as honest as you are self-aware.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to hide.

Basing our self-esteem on the ability to control people and events actually keeps us feeling out of control.

Withholding feelings is a way of giving them more significance than they actually deserve.

By placing more value on staying out of trouble than on speaking your mind, you keep yourself at the mercy of your environment.

A complaint is a want in disguise.

When you identify yourself as the noticer, you do not identify the ego’s pain as your pain. It’s simply a pain in the ego.

We often need to get our buttons pushed so we can notice what they are.

“Shoulds” prevent us from seeing how our life really is--and from taking appropriate action. Shoulds are pretenses.

When you act like you can’t handle the unexpected, your ability to do so dwindles.

Get comfortable with discomfort.

Fear is simply a sign that you’re moving into unknown territory, not a signal to turn back.

It takes more than one blind man to “see” the whole elephant.

All attempts at controlling others eventually backfire. (one of my favorite truisms)

Through learning to notice your mind chatter or self-talk, you always have a way of getting back into present time.

Being honest is the best way to stay connected to others, to your own flow, and to the constantly changing movement of Life.

When you are open to experiencing and learning from everything--every disappointment, every surprise, every piece of feedback, whether laudatory or critical--then you cannot be threatened.

When you blame another person for your pain, it clouds the truth and makes corrective action less likely.

Life becomes a painful battle when you struggle against what is.

The belief that knowing is better than not knowing is one of the fundamental dysfunctional beliefs of our culture.

Every human interaction entails a large measure of uncertainty. Each time you express yourself, you take a step into the unknown, into “empty space.”

Leap joyfully into the unknown.

There may be times when honest self-expression would be truly dangerous to your well-being, but more often than not, most people assume danger where none exists.

Spiritual freedom comes from participating in the moment-by-moment flow of life, not by getting things to be just right once and for all.

Telling the truth speeds up evolution.

[CD Bear]

Hey Steady.

Was just reading that one myself.

Thanks for the "Coles Notes"

[steady]

Sitch is still the same. Working on the D stuff. The court date for oral arguments to her Pendente Lite motion is November 8.

Two weeks ago I saw her on a Sat at my son's psychiatrist appointment. She started in with me and I completely ignored her and walked away. This email I sent her explains it all - I really don't feel like typing it again.

After the meeting with S's psychiatrist we went to my vehicle with the kids. As we were walking to your vehicle you started complaining to me about how I handled coming to S's appointment. You said, "Why did you say a number of times you would see the kids on Monday and then just show up here unannounced?" I decided to ignore this statement and continued walking toward your vehicle with our children walking in front of me and you walking behind me. You continued to talk but I did not pay attention to what you were saying.

When we got to your vehicle and you opened the back hatch you said, "That was a really bright move. Really good going." Again, I chose to ignore that statement and continue interacting with our children and putting D into the car. Both children were saying 'I want to be with you Daddy' a number of times. This is nothing new and happens any time we are in a situation where one of us is leaving our children. When I said goodbye to our children I then started walking to my car. You followed behind me and began talking again. As I recall you said, "I had a whole plan to keep this very thing from happening and you ruined it..." (I'm assuming you were talking about D fussing about me leaving) There were other things you said but I did not pay attention to them. Rather, while still walking away, I said, "I can't hear you. I think you're talking about D fussing but that only lasts a minute or two and I can't hear her still doing it so it must already be done." I then got into my car and drove away.

Your statement you made about 'a really bright move' was a disparaging remark made in front of both S and D. I understand you said it in a lower than normal tone but it's inappropriate to say in front of our children.

On Sunday I walked into Office Depot and saw you and D standing by the copy center. I walked toward the ink aisle and D saw me. I decided to walk over to the two of you. After a brief encounter I went to get the ink I came there for and D came with me. You decided it was time to leave and came over to get D who was in my arms at this point. I handed her over to you as D was fussing and saying she wanted to stay with me. I told her I was going to work and said she would be bored there. As I handed her to you I said, "She's fine. It's part of life." I turned to walk away and heard you say, "This didn't have to happen if you learned how to control yourself." I ignored your statement and walked over to the register to pay.

At 12:09 I sent you the following text: "I can control myself perfectly fine. You seem unable to control your need to criticize me in front of the kids. Two days in a row. It needs to stop."

At 12:10 You responded - "Learn some boundaries."

At 12:13 I sent - "And what boundary is that?"

(After 10 minutes of you not responding)

At 12:23 I sent - "Baseless criticism with nothing to back it up"

You saying, 'This wouldn't have happened if you learned how to control yourself" is another disparaging remark made in front of D where she clearly heard you. This is two consecutive interactions where you felt the need to express your dissatisfaction with me not doing things as you think they should be done and did not control yourself from saying derogatory things about me in front of our children. What D needs to hear in that situation is she is fine and it is a part of life. Physical swaps and all kinds of separation situations will be unavoidable and they will be part of her life. Rather than trying to shield her from it, I think it's more prudent to teach her how to go through it in a healthy way. What she doesn't need to hear from either one of us is a statement like the one you made.

On both occasions I chose to ignore you rather than engage in an argument which is not healthy for our children or either one of us. There are better ways for us to get rid of any underlying anger, bitterness and resentment we may have toward each other. I would be willing to pursue any avenue which would make that possible. It would make our relationship softer and less abrasive, help with co-parenting and avoid any negative effects on our children. That's a goal I would like to reach.

I understand walking away from you is a rude and I myself don't like to be dismissed (as you already know). It is a better choice than the alternative which is to get into an argument with you in front of the kids (I'd rather not argue with you at all whether the children are there or not. Having a discussion about a disagreement is what I would rather have). I am working toward the point where I can stand there and listen to your complaint, or whatever you have to say, and then decide if I need to engage you in conversation or excuse myself. I'm sure I will be at that point soon. I've been working through therapy and my own self-work to remove the triggers which cause the defending and explaining which lead to arguing from my end. I don't want to teach our children to rudely dismiss people but would rather them have the ability to stand with balance and decide to engage or not. They will model our actions regardless of what we say, so the only way I know of teaching them this is for me to be able to do it. I feel this is one of many healthy traits to teach them.

Since you didn't tell me what boundary you think I crossed I can only guess it was your expectation I should not have come over to D in the store. I will never run away or hide from our children or ignore them when I see them in a public place or at any time/place for that matter - especially if they see me as D did. If you have an expectation that should happen, it's an expectation I won't fulfill. A boundary must be clear and stated to the other party in order for it to be a boundary. You did not state any expected boundary to me so it's impossible for me to judge if it is acceptable to me. Not expressing it to me is opposite of what a boundary is - instead it is a covert contract. Not expressing our expectations had been a big problem in our marriage from both our parts and I don't want to continue having it in my life. I'm only guessing at what I think the boundary you referred to is. If I am incorrect, please let me know.

As far as your remarks made on Saturday about me just 'showing up unannounced' I have the right to be at any doctor appointment scheduled for S and D. I also do not have to do things the way you think they should be done. I will often do things against your expectations - especially if I find your expectations unreasonable or you never express them to me. (I have zero ability to read minds)

I would like any criticism we may have about each other be expressed in private away from our children, or better yet, in a text or email. This will save all of us unnecessary aggravation and stress.

My goal is to have a smoother co-parenting relationship between us which has minimal conflict and no conflict when the kids are present. I think with some adjustments and a little bit of work on both our parts we can attain that.

[steady]

9 days later she files a police report that I was stalking her. This woman is nuts. So she manages to slip a reference in an unrelated email exchange:

From my W to me:

Your response is confusing considering on Friday night (9/29) you texted and stated in a voice text "See you Monday" to D and then proceeded to surprise all of us by showing up at a doctor's appointment for S the next morning. Not only did you show up unannounced when the kids were to be mine for the weekend according to our current arrangement, but you showed up again at D's therapy the next morning. While it was still my time with the kids, one hour after her therapy you followed us into the mall and surprised us again. You have shown total disregard for our arrangement resulting in unnecessary pain for all of us.

(there was more to the email but I cut it out. My beginning stuff addresses the fact she decided to take my D to therapy on a day when I had both kids in the evening. Usually whoever has them in the evening takes them to their appointments)

So I responded:

Ok I'm a little lost here. I never said either of us couldn't attend any of the kids' appointments. Just who was responsible for taking them where. Of course we can both attend any of their doctor's appointments whenever we want. Neither one of us needs permission from the other to do that - regardless of whose time it is with the kids.

I just see it would be the same thing as me telling you I would be picking up S and taking him to group on a Tuesday you normally would take him. You would then meet me there to pick him up. I think such a move would surprise you and have you ask me why I would be doing that since it was different than the norm. The whole setup you were arranging did not make any sense to me and is completely opposite of how we handle S's appointments.

I know you have a problem with the 'unannounced' but I have no problem you coming to any of their appointments when I have them without having to announce yourself to me. That's your choice. I don't hold the same perspective about the children having to know everything in their future. Life just doesn't operate that way. There will be plenty of times in their life when they will see either one of us without having been prepped first.

I showed up at D's therapy the next morning because I can. I'm not sure why this is a problem for you. We both have the same rights to be at any of their appointments whenever we choose.

You said, "You have shown total disregard for our arrangement resulting in unnecessary pain for all of us." - I haven't shown any disregard for our arrangement. We have already agreed either one of us can come to any appointment, school function, etc our children have. So that part of your statement is not true. I'm not sure how it resulted in any unnecessary pain - that seems like a large over-dramatization of reality. Seeing me is not painful for my kids - quite the contrary. Transitioning is not painful for them - just a small blip on their radar which they quickly get over. I don't think the transitioning bothers S in the least so it's D who has a reaction - and quite a bit of it is behavioral. It's also reducing as time goes by and I'm sure with a little more time it will disappear altogether. She's at an age where children revisit separation anxiety - it just happens to correspond with a time in her life where she is having to make transitions opposite of what her real desire is.

Sorry W, but there was no 'following' you into the mall. After D's appointment I went to my brother's house and got ready to go to work. I grabbed printer ink I bought the day before which was the wrong one and told <brother> I'd be picking up the right one and bringing it back with me after I finished working.

I am allowed to enter into any public place I see fit. I saw your vehicle outside of the mall when I pulled up at Office Depot. I even sent you a text asking if you were there picking up a charm for D as was discussed in D's C office. If you were, I was going to get one also so D would have had them both.

I know you want to frame it that I'm somehow following you around, but my life is a lot more important and valuable than thinking about what you're doing. According to your logic I must have known on Saturday that you were going to be in Office Depot on Sunday. So I went there and purchased the wrong ink so I could then have a reason to go to Office Depot on Sunday. Then when I went back to B's to get my stuff for work, I must have known you would be at Office Depot and timed it perfectly to arrive there minutes before you were finishing up.

Desiring to know your whereabouts or what you're doing doesn't even enter my radar W. I don't think you realize where I'm at in relation to you, but I can assure you it is light years away from anything having to do with you. The only part of my life which is somehow connected to you is my desire and willingness to co-parent our children as effectively as possible and doing it in a way which will make it a positive experience for them. That's it - nothing more. Your life is yours and has nothing to do with me (except co-parenting our children) - it's what we both prefer so it works out perfectly.

I know the last two posts are long and winded but a lot of it is documentation I need to do because of the court situation. Some of it is defending and going into detail and once the court stuff is over the defending and detail are going to disappear. Much of the defending has already disappeared and I basically tell her - this is how I did it and if you don't like it that's fine, but according to my standard, I did it fine. I'll agree to disagree.

I'm also at the point where I don't even want to argue with her or entertain her criticism of me. I still bite the bait a little bit here and there, but I've walked away from a lot more than I have in the past.

It's a new boundary for me - don't need to defend nor explain my decisions unless I choose to. This doesn't mean I won't explain important decisions regarding my kids but the critical nitpicking is what I'm done with.

The other day she sent me an email:

"Why did S wear shorts to school on Tue?" <--- This is so passive aggressive and a totally dysfunctional way of communicating I let it go and didn't even bother responding.

I think that's long enough posts for today. Brings it up to speed a bit.

**** I'm definitely not happy they don't allow us to edit our posts anymore.

[CD Bear]

Wow, Steady!
I am certainly impressed with your strength, buddy.

I can honestly say I am noweher near the point where I could handle that much CB with such detachment.

I'll try to catch up with you this week.

[steady]

Hi CD. I'm not familiar with CB? What does it stand for? Constant Bull&*it?

Got more of it today regarding how we are paying the bills. My response was all business. I've gotten used to it now and it doesn't even get my temperature up at all. I just deal with it if I have to otherwise I just ignore it.

Every week there's some drama. Same as when we were married. She probably spent the weekend with OM and got all pumped up. Who knows.

Hope you a had a good time in NC. Maybe you can shoot me an email about it.

[CD Bear]

Hey, Steady!!

You are close enough. CB is an old RobX expression for Crap Behaviour.

I'll contact you later and offer you a better alternative than email, my friend.

NC was awesome! You'll be there next time.