Always and Forever??????

[25yearsmlc]

So so Sorry you got that email. In his mind, I think, he was being as kind as he could be. I have to say, despite the content, his tone was not cruel. It was as warm as it could be, given the givens. He even apologizes and it sounds credible.

Your response has already been sent, so there's no point in me commenting but I hope you know you can NOT stop the divorce. He seems to be divorcing you. A divorce not something YOU "give" to him, as the old laws and some TV shows (out of date shows like Dynasty wherein Joan Collins screams to her TV h that she will "Never give" him a divorce....) say. Today, it's the states that grant marriage licenses and divorces, not spouses...sorry.

So now he may serve you papers at work, in front of your co-workers? Or at home in front of your kids? I mean, you CAN make this a tad easier on yourself without feeling as if you've "caved in". You may even be able to "waive' service and simply acknowledge that you got them without the formal process.

Standing for your marriage does not mean standing still or pretending it's not happening. I understand you want HIM to do the div work. But well, he's trying. I'm not sure what your goal was with the reply or refusal to answer his question about service of papers. (Yes I'm a L so I want you to think about that part sometime soon. Do you want the kids to see it? Or workers? There's NO "good" place to get this type of letter but there are worse places so think of which is less horrible).

I could be wrong, but I want to toss out an idea. Why not get out of his way so he can stop blaming you for stopping his happiness? The more you question his choices or make him think you are slowing down HIS happiness, the more he defends the choices and projects his misery onto you. What if you were not "in the way" of his happiness, and yet he wasn't suddenly deliriously happy? Gee, what then? Might he get a tad reflective? Might he finally look in the mirror and say "where's all the joy that I expected?"

Just a short while after I got out of my h's way, within a few months of his absence, it seemed, he wondered where everyone was. And he began to call me...daily, sometimes more than daily. Lots of things finally seemed to occur to him after all my resisting. I recall that cliche, "what we resist, persists"....perhaps you could Stop resisting. See what happens.

It's Just a thought. Again, sorry for your pain. A second idea-- THE 100 DAY PLAN....
What if??? What if you Try to do 100 days of GAL/PMA and just getting thru it. Then you can see if there's any change on either end, or if you even want to do another 100 days in increments. 100 days is a manageable amount of time, for you, and enough time to assess things. So, Support your son as best you can b/c HE is hurting and if he sees you GAL thru all this, HE'LL be able to better do that and not lose a year of his short youth, in pain. (Just went to my high school reunion and met some people who said they partied too much in high school b/c of what their parents were going through...who knew? They became drunks, then recovered if they were lucky and many are in their 2nd or 3rd marriages. ALL of them say that the divorces affected them but they also survived. One good friend said "my parents div and it was FINALLY the best thing that ever happened to my mom. She went back to school and got her master's and became an ABC and now has her own business and ..." happy ending... Hey, it happans. It's up to you, honestly. We're not lying.

You'll be teaching your son that when he faces his own heartbreak or setback, which he will, he'll know that the pain is deep but not fatal, and lasts awhile but is not eternal...don't you forget any of that. You can do more than survive but happiness is your choice. Don't give your h any more power over your happiness than he already has had. Please....life is too short. Do the 180s that make you happy. GAL, call a DB coach, see your T, whatever it takes. But do not despair. It helps NO ONE, least of all your marriage, and it hurts you and your son even more. Your Life will get better. This, I know for sure.
j