We just told my little girl that mommy and daddy will be divorced.
The pain that I feel right now cannot be measured. It feels harder than the bomb. It sucks. It fuc*ing sucks. My D, Victoria took it well but has a lot of questions. I suggested to my W that we wait until we speak to a therapist before speaking to our D. She disagreed, since my D has been asking a lot of questions..
D to me - "daddy when are you going to sleep with mommy again - you said you were taking a break but it has been a long time"
D to me - "daddy do you still love mommy"
D to me - "daddy i want things back the way they used to be"
D to me - "daddy how come mommy doesn't make you breakfast like she does for me and the boys"
These are just some of the questions that my D has asked over the past few weeks. Each one is like a small tear in my heart. Though I have to say that my little girl is as strong as they come.
When we spoke to her I tried to be as positive as I could have. My W...was all grins. Like a none of this even phased her. Right now, I just can't stand the sight of her. Her little grins - I am so angry and sad right now. The indifference is amazing. I no longer know this woman. She is a completely different person.
After we spoke to our daughter, she gave me and her mother a hug. She held me very very tight. It took everything I had in me to hold back my tears...and so now I sit here...alone in the family room (aka my bed room)....tears...I hurt...BUT i will be okay cause I know that Toria will be. She is a strong cookie. She is like me!
Toria had some questions...
Toria - "daddy are you leaving"?
Me- "yes honey, daddy will be moving soon but the cool thing is that YOU will have two bed rooms. One with me and one with your mother"
Toria - "when are you leaving"
Me - "I am not sure yet honey - but just remember we both love you very much"
Toria - "will oreo (our dog) come to your house daddy"?
Me - "it will be our house honey and yes oreo will come too"
Toria - "so when we are with you daddy - mommy will be alone" (funny this is when W responded very quickly..."yes mommy will be alone" - I swear I wanted to respond...but I didn't)
Me - "yes honey mommy will be alone"
Toria - "will you be alone daddy?"
ME - "yes honey daddy will be alone but I will be okay - as long as you are okay - I will be okay"
She then said she needed to think about more questions....
I walked downstairs and into the family room. Toria who was with her mom came into the family room and said she had more questions for me.
Toria - "daddy....how will you be able to afford two houses" and "daddy your not gonna have enough food". These questions ripped a hole in my heart...here is my little girl, her life will change and she asked about me. Goes to show me how big her heart is.
Me - "honey you don't worry about daddy - I will be fine - we will be fine". "It will be different but different is not wrong - it's just different - but me and your mother love you very much".
Toria - "why are you and mommy getting divorced"
Me - "well honey, let me answer your questions with a questions....would you prefer that mommy and daddy stay married but be sad or would you prefer that mommy and daddy get divorced but be happy" - ya know I was not prepared for this question and since W decided to have the conversation I was so tempted to say go ask your mom but I felt i needed to try and answer all of her questions.
Toria - "but daddy why don't you stay living here"?
Me - "toria, when people get divorced they usually do not live together. Some do but really most people do not".
Toria - "daddy can you stay a little longer"
Me - "I don't know honey...but I will love you and so does your mom and you will spend the same amount of time with each of us".
Fu*k...typing this hurts....listening to my D ask the questions...hurt....all of this hurt...
The pain, the fuc*ing smirk on my W face...it is what i will remember. I will also remember that my daughter is strong, I will also remember that I am a survivor, I will also remember that I can CHOOSE to be the best parent that I can be. I choose to be the best man I can be - for me - for my kids. My W - fu*k her!
I just can't write anymore....
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
