Snodderly says to be patient with MLC's , We have to remember to treat them kindly and with compassion during this time. have patience and respect their wishes to be alone, and above all else, when they do make contact, be a true friend and not make demands upon them.Please remember to just be a friend for now. It will pay off in the long run. BUT then Michelle's book says to stay away, you know the Last Resort Technique. So, what should I do? Be compassionate, patient and be a friend OR stay away ? Then if he wants to R .....how should I expect him to act towards me? No one has answered this question. Should I expect him to show remorse? If so, how does one show that ? My husband wasn't exactly calling me, emailing me, etc. He really didn't want me around all the time. He kept saying, " let's take it slow and see how it goes." Meanwhile he was out with friends drinking, out to dinner etc. He wanted his single life more than me, at least that is how I perceived it.
what does that have to do with my questions ? No one is still answering them. Besides, I am following the suggestion made to me that maybe I should switch to MLC thread instead of infidelity.
The reason why it is best to stick to one thread is so that we can see your story from the beginning and will be able to help you better!
You are welcome to start posting in the MLC section and you will get a lot of help here by lots of wonderful people! The best thing to do is to post a link to your thread(s) in the infidelity section here and then put this link on your first thread(s)and then give us a little background about your situation and we will do our best to help get some of those questions addressed!
Patience is the number one thing to learn when it comes to MLC!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hello and welcome to the MLC Board. Yes, this whole thing is chock full of contradictions. No two of us has exactly the same scenario in their situations, so you have to use some intuition here. Read the posts of others here. Find people who seem to be going through similar stages as you. Follow, no, Stalk those people. Even if you are not participating in the conversation, you will be learning. The same goes for advice. What works for one doesn't always work for another. Only you know where you are at in your R. Lots of times it is hard to get our emotions in check and make proper choices. That's why there is an unspoken 24-48 hour rule before a response if you feel provoked by your spouse. Give your mind time to compose and articulate.
Patience is a virtue, and a necessary trait here. Nothing about this goes fast and furiously. It is very, very slow. Some will make it, some will not, but not for lack of trying.
Read what others here have to say, and apply them to your own sitch.
Again, welcome.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Of course I wanted my marriage to work. I have been working on myself since Jan. 2010. I was seeing a therapist Jan.- April but quit her because she kept telling me to leave him. Then I started on meds since I was heading for a nervous breakdown. The psychiatrist told me I never should have married my husband. I finally found a Life Coach who helped me to be happy. He has helped so many but most importantly, people I know who were in the same boat. Mr. M. ( the life coach) is all about putting couples together esp. after an affair but he will tell the truth if he sees it isn't going to work. He told me to leave H. H was not willing to work on himself and us. H quit after 2 sessions by himself. Claims it wasn't going to work, that I didn't change. That I keep bringing up my hurts. I informed him, " how can you say it didn't work since we never went together? You were not willing to do the things that Mr. M told you to do like start seeing me more regularly, slowly start moving back into the house with me." He was lying to Mr. M, just like he lied to me. My H is very stubborn. The way I see it, Mr. M sees it, and all our friends and our sons, he is a quitter. That I did 100% or more to work on us but he did nothing.
So, does that help with any questions you might have about us?
I am still working on me and making myself be happy. I am trying to be patient and let time heal all wounds.
It is difficult for in less than 2 weeks it would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. Then Thanksgiving, then Christmas & New Years. My sons are grown and live away. One in England and the other about 30 miles away. The oldest is a lawyer and the 2nd is in law school.
I thought this empty nest would be a happy time for us. It wasn't. Our mortgage will be paid off in 2013. We both make decent salaries but it will be a struggle for me. I am staying in the house so far and he pays for the mortgage besides his rent. I can't save that much to afford the vacations that I dreamed about. I love traveling and this should have been the best time of my life with my oldest living in England.
I will admit, I am upset about that. BUT I realize I can't dwell on that and just move on.
I really don't know how to treat my H - kindness and compassion says snodderly..yet, Michelle says do the 180. My friends and Mr. M. (Life Coach) say " Stay away from him. You wanted him more than he wanted you. You made it too easy for him." Of course my H doesn't see it that way. My personality is to be kind and compassionate. I will admit, one night the H came over because I asked him to. I was crying and upset because my 91 yr.old father was sick and I was scared of losing him. H hugged me and we laid on the couch together. We didn't talk about us. Just talked. Then he said to me, " I have a lot of things to apologize for but I am not ready to do that." I kept quiet. A few days later I asked him what he meant by that and he said he doesn't remember ever saying that to me. My friends swear he is bi polar. I really don't think so, I am a special ed teacher and minored in pysch., but I will admit he talks out of both sides of his mouth. He does contradicts himself at times. He is a mystery to all.
Should I spend the holidays with him ? I would like to BUT I know it will be hard on me and I will start crying then that will start an argument with us.
esp. after an affair but he will tell the truth if he sees it isn't going to work.
Does your life coach understand MLC? You will get a lot of well meaning advice from friends, family etc. At the end of the day no one can really understand what you are dealing with because they do not have the experience of what you are dealing with.
YOU have to make a choice here.
I asked you a question up there ^^^^^^
If you let others decide for you based on what THEY think is best for you
Well then...
You'll be living their life NOT yours.
This isn't easy stuff Cat45. It will take every shred of your resolve and being to become the person you want to be.
Originally Posted By: Cat45
I had a good life but now it has all changed.
Who needs this at 56 ?
You have been very blessed if I may say so in your M till now.
Now it is time to discover what you meant all those years ago when you said I will love and honor you all the days of my life, for better or worse
We decide what to do with the worse.
Originally Posted By: Cat45
Claims it wasn't going to work, that I didn't change. That I keep bringing up my hurts.
MLC (if you believe he is) will blame everyone BUT himself. You were responsible for his happiness all these years and now that this schidt has come home to roost...
Guess who gets blamed? Not fair right?
This isn't fair. Deserves got nothing to do with it (nickel Clint Eastwood)
Originally Posted By: Cat45
My H is very stubborn. The way I see it, Mr. M sees it, and all our friends and our sons, he is a quitter. That I did 100% or more to work on us but he did nothing.
Martyr?
You mean you did all this work and you got nothing back?
That's not fair is it?
How would you want to be loved?
When you are quiet and peaceful?
Or
When you are so scared you lose your way, when you are so scared you RUN away?
You got some thinkin' to do and I have given you enough to chew on for now...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I thought so. But we are not sure if H is really having this. H doesn't think he is. H was never there for me emotionally in the past, always ran away from things he never wanted to deal with. his whole family is that way.
He cheated on me and I was willing to take him back. I do love him and realize he is unhappy and I was willing to work on us. But he wasn't.
He keeps saying there is no future. He only wants to be friends. I believe him.
So now what ? Again, how do I act ? 180 or being a friend?
