Quotes found on Divorce Busting Forums (4)

[Ready2Change]

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Hi Deployed...(sigh). I've been on this site now since I found it in 7/06. My posting has diminished tremendously but I still carry a thread. It's still painful, even to me, to read these new posts. In fact, I stopped looking up new posts only because they can open old wounds.

However.....

Since this is all new, my advice is to try and give this a certain amount of time and effort to save your marriage. The best way to do this is straight forward:
1) Do NOT discuss the marriage and issues per se with your wife. You will only hear things you don't want to hear
2) Do NOT beg her..plead with her...try and sell her on the marriage or sell her on a 'new you'. You'll push her away
3) Start reading and working on yourself. Try 'For Men Only', Dr. Grey's Venous and Mars: Starting Over.' 'The Five Love Languages'.
4) Honestly, the best way to win this, which is stacked against us all, is to accept the marriage as over, and grieve the loss. By doing so, you give her space, leave her alone, focus on yourself and THIS causes change that MAY draw them back. The only M's I've seen saved here are those that 'drop the rope'.

Honestly, this forum is a double edge sword. The good edge is that you will receive a great deal of support. You'll get great recommendations on books to read, websites to go to, etc.

The bad edge is that this site will ALSO keep you holding on forever, waiting, hoping, etc and ofttimes this leads to enabling her behavior. You'll be kept in a state of 'hope for reconciliation' which is the ultimate form of denial here. Read Gray's description of this.

I was where you were once. The best I can tell you is hold your head high. Give this a shot but give yourself a timeline. Realize that you are NOT a victim. The greatest gift you have is that you were able to look inward and see your faults. The tools you had, perhaps, weren't the best and now is your chance to trade up to better tools.

Walk a line between hope and reality:
1) Realize that everyone should try and save their marriage
2) Understand that when a woman separates, the majority of the time there is a man lurking in the background. IF she said she thought about cheating she probably has and threw this out there as a shot across the bow
3) Understand also that a separation is NOT a positive thing. More than 90% of marriages that separate go on to divorce.

So...although my message may have a negative tone, I am TRULY telling you to do your best to try and save it. In so doing you will become a better man and you can look in the mirror when you get up in the morning and like what you see. However, it takes two to want to save a marriage. After a time, it is YOUR responsibility to NOT let your spirit be destroyed.

Finally, NEVER....EVER....no matter how bad things get.....denigrate the children's mother to them. It will only work against you and it is like stabbing a knife into them.

Stay strong. Don't talk about the marriage/R. Don't beg. Open the cage door if she wants.

Strength and honor.
FIB