Journaling,

It's been a very busy weekend. Attended a gamers convention this weekend which is something I'd never thought I'd do. The play that D and I were involved in was part of the convention. As a result, we ended up attending various other events. My H has always had a mild interest in gaming and used to have a circle of friends when we lived in the midwest that shared a similar interest. When we moved, he lost touch and never made another circle of friends. So when he attended the play that D and I were in, he also ended up staying and going to various events with us. It has definitely re-energized his interest and he's been looking at buying some games and even joining the same group I already joined to meet some new people. Very interesting.

As a result, we spent nearly all weekend together. Friday night was the performance and then we went out for a late late dinner and got home about 1 am. Saturday we spent the afternoon at the convention. In the evening, I took D to her first formal dance, and so was solo until midnight. H didn't really formally ask but talked about the evening as our "date night". We had discussed going back to the convention later that evening, but when he came over to the house, he wanted to try a few more of his drink concoctions. Well one thing led to another and continuing with my previously used baseball analogy, he hit a hell of a homerun. I didn't really plan to go there since I know that OW is still mildly in the picture, but I honestly didn't fight myself too hard. I kind of knew, the way the R has been progressing, that it was probably going to happen. I'm not sure about the wisdom of it, but the fact that he can't easily pop back into bed with her without hopping on a plane first, makes it slightly easier for me to deal with. The strange thing was though, that we spent a great portion of our "baseball evening" discussing our R. He told me a lot of things he continues to mull over in his mind. He's still very conflicted and I know that. One of our biggest R issues was sex. So to have this animalistic attraction to one another now is quite a change. I think a lot of it (at least on my end) has to do with my inner peace and confidence with myself.

When we went to pick D up from the dance, he continued to kind of worry about the M "returning to the way it was". I told him flat out, my job was not to convince him of anything. He looked shocked at me and said "that's extremely profound". I didn't ask why (partially because I was still metabolizing alchohol). But I meant it. He's conflicted. I get it. I am sorry about that. But nothing I say REALLY matters. If it takes my CONVINCING him to come back, I'm not sure I really want him. I want him to WANT to come back.

Sunday was another day spent at the convention. H and I spent most of it just talking while D was enjoying some games. By the end of the weekend, I almost felt like I was starting to overdose on H. It actually got me wondering how I managed to live with him 24 hours a day without feeling suffocated. The answer is that he's a workaholic. Even when at home, he used to stay in his office and work so I don't think we ever really had that problem. I find it interesting that not ONCE during the entire weekend did he opt OUT of doing anything using the "I have to work" excuse. And I might add that at no point during the weekend did I INVITE him to anything. He decided to join us. This is all quite a new situation.

So he's seen IC twice now. I'm not sure if he's scheduled to see her again or not. He hasn't told me and I'm not asking. Tonight is sushi night so I was expecting to see him for dinner. But he already told me that if D was done with her homework early today, he wanted to take us both to a music store, prior to her martial arts class and dinner. So it may be another busy afternoon/evening with H.

Overall I'm feeling more stable with myself. I'm happy with myself. I can see how the changes I've made have benefited me. I can see how the changes I've made have made me more attractive to H even though they weren't done for that purpose. And most importantly, I can see how the changes I've made NECESSITATE certain changes in H in order for a reconciliation to occur. I'm not forcing anything. But I now function in a very different way and as a result, H will have to change. I think he's starting to see that. There have been numerous occasions where he's asked (in a good way) "who are you?!". Perhaps bringing sex back in to the R was a mistake. But I can honestly say I don't regret it. And I can honestly say that it will probably happen again. I may get 2 x 4s about it. If so, that's fine since I always welcome opinions/discussion. But as Eric once said, I at least get to say "I got some!!"


"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"

M18
Me39,H42
D16
Bomb 1/10
Moved out 3/10
OW 6/10
H wants to R,OW gone 11/10
H moves back 5/11
H wants to wear rings again 9/11