WAW 20 Years. Divorce to maybe possible R

[TimeHeals]

I'm lost.

Your boundaries and this Relationship are on HER terms?

I don't get it.

[Starsky309]

The boundary is not a 5 minute or 2 hour 4 day boundary. IF the results are not monitored and acheived the boundary is enforced.

Your boundary seemed very straightforward to me: "End all contact with OM; I will not live in an open marriage."

The "results" were that she refused.

And you're not enforcing your boundary, other than with WORDS (which actually WEAKENS your hand, not strengthens it).

"Losing weight" is an incremental goal. "I will no longer eat ice cream before I go to bed" is a DECISION, and either it's done each day or it's not. Your wife is refusing to stop eating her ice cream (cake), and thus violating your boundary.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

It has to be on her terms with her choice.

This is foolish, and dangerous. You are allowing the one person in the marriage who DOESN'T have its best interests at heart, to dictate the terms of its potential reconciliation or demise.


What kind of a strategy is that???


Starsky

[TimeHeals]

And I don't think you should misread anything any of us have posted here to mean that you need to be some kind of an anatomy part (like a butt).

You can be pleasant, charming, and firm and make a decission on what YOU are going to do with YOUR life.

[TimeHeals]

And one more thing... controlling comes across in the tone of your posts here.

This is my boundary and you will obey or I am done... again!


Compare that tone to this one:

"Look, you have some great qualities, and we have had some great times, but this whole business of you dating other men just isn't right, and I won't do it anymore, so I took the liberty of getting some boxes and packing some of your stuff up, and ...".

"Anyway, thanks for being so understanding about why this isn't working for me anymore".

[Steve McQueen]

Hell 1 week ago there was zero chance today there is a definite maybe possible..

when's the next black belt class?

[Starsky309]

And one more thing... controlling comes across in the tone of your posts here.

This is my boundary and you will obey or I am done... again!


Compare that tone to this one:

"Look, you have some great qualities, and we have had some great times, but this whole business of you dating other men just isn't right, and I won't do it anymore, so I took the liberty of getting some boxes and packing some of your stuff up, and ...".

"Anyway, thanks for being so understanding about why this isn't working for me anymore".

YES! THAT'S IT, EXACTLY!!!

[Pensacolabroken]

Time,

I have been kind in my tone with her. I also have told her it isnt punitive, it is just my respect for marriage.

I HAVE NOT CEDED MY BOUNDARY! The point is she KNOWS what the boundary is. I CHOOSE when to enforce it. I am also being patient as a few wise people have recommended and allow the WAW to KNOW I am not controlling her. IF I control her and she senses control... it will be be just like Serenity and Sandi point out, she will simply hide it and go underground. She is doing her Cost/Value/Analysis and if she senses Value and she sees that I am the package like Pookie said, she will come willingly. IF NOT I Force the Boundary. What is a week?

So Time Starsky, and Steve MC, what is the harm in a week? What? Why the alacrity? thoughts? And where are you with your Sitch?

[Pensacolabroken]

Um Starsky reread what I wrote... she is not dictating the terms of Reconciliation... she is using her choice to DROP the OM.. that is all.. that is the only thing I am prepared to allow a small amount of time for...

[Pensacolabroken]

Starsky,

you dont bake a cake in 5 minutes at 500 degrees.. you bake it for 30 minutes at 350... see the point?